It's not physically possible to study in my room. There's just way too much distraction. Everywhere. It's like, when you turn on a TV and it's got white noise covering the whole screen. That's how much distraction is in here. This is one of those distractions. I mean really, just my computer in general. I'd say the computer makes up about 35% of the distraction ratio in here. Then my guitar takes up about 56.97% of it. That's a pretty big part. Oh, and then there's my phone too, ya know texting and whatever, so that takes up about 20.43%. But then that follows me around anyway. So whenever I'm walking around in the world, I'm always carrying a potential 20.43% of distraction with me. Hmm, my bed is also in my room (no shit), and that can be a distraction too. Especially when it hasn't been made, so it's all inviting and ready for me. So I'd give that a 12% because I don't really nap that much.
Now if you're one of those people who actually bothered counting up all those percentages, you may find that they don't add up to 100. That's because, I just put up random numbers. I had the good intentions of trying to make them all sort out neatly, and they're all crazy fractions, but no. Just no. Not this time. No effort from me. I'm just far too distracted. Ooh look, a text.
So today was the first day of mocks. WOOP WOOP. Not bad, not bad. I normally do pretty terribly on exams when I think they're "not bad", but oh well. I'm just gonna go with it. I think Spanish is gonna be the hardest. And that's on Friday. That's also the day I'll be getting my haircut. I'm thinking of getting it exactly how it was last time I got it cut, because I'm a creature of habit. Terrible. What a terrible attitude! I need something different. Something to reflect my mood of late.
Woah I just realised something. Why is the g in sign silent, but in signature it isn't? I just love all the inconsistencies of this language. Well, of any language really. I think it's kinda endearing. Okay I'm not going to go more into that, because I tried to just then, but I bored myself to sleep.
Holidays are dangerous for people who live in their head I think. It's mainly because, when you're away from the schedule you're used to, and the people you see and interact with daily, it's easy to forget who you are, and how you are in reality. It's really easy to remember yourself differently than how you actually are. So you're able to build yourself up in your head, thinking you're this totally different person inside, but then when push comes to shove, and you're put back into that same groove you went away from for 3 weeks, you suddenly smash into the brick wall of reality. All that mental preparation you've done is pretty much flushed away, and in the end you are who you were three weeks ago, except you forgot to manage your expectations, and let yourself forget who you are. And yeah, yeah, I know that all this mental change stuff is only able to be possible by the individual in question and no one else, but it doesn't change the fact that it can be hard readjusting yourself. I'm assuming this really only happens to people who live in their head, because they'd internalise everything, reflect on them, and then as a result make weird expectations that, when you look back on them, seem pretty ridiculous.
But that's just how it goes sometimes.
Tuesday, 8 January 2013
Wednesday, 2 January 2013
Neg
So I haven't shaved since the holidays started. Hasn't really felt like I've got a reason to. So now I've got this pretty wicked moustache that makes me look like an aficionado of something. Maybe fine wine. Or comic books. Hahaha, yeah, I think a slimeball's moustache better labels my facial hair. Like one look at me with this on, and you KNOW I'm gonna rip you off. What a scumbag.
You know, I think lately during this holiday I've been putting my self in a sense of false security. Like I've been really positive and happy. And when a bad thought does come around, I'm able to catch myself out on it, chalk it up to a negative thought distortion, and actually get rid of it. But I think I've been forgetting on important fact:
The world is a sick machine breeding a massive shit.
And really, it's only a matter of time before another big piece of shit drops out of nowhere. And it's always around this time too. Like just after the holiday. I think it's because I'm away from everything in normal life during the holidays. So I'm able to recuperate and gain some kind of positive outlook. But then I forget another simple fact. Once I'm back in school, everything will be exactly the same. Any kind of development I think has occurred normally always disintegrates, sometimes in a couple of days!
Now that I've written this out, I realize this is obviously a negative thought distortion. But I can't help feeling it sometimes. It's not like there's any way i can really know what'll happen. So I gotta sink this sinking feeling.
Okay, there. Bye.
You know, I think lately during this holiday I've been putting my self in a sense of false security. Like I've been really positive and happy. And when a bad thought does come around, I'm able to catch myself out on it, chalk it up to a negative thought distortion, and actually get rid of it. But I think I've been forgetting on important fact:
The world is a sick machine breeding a massive shit.
And really, it's only a matter of time before another big piece of shit drops out of nowhere. And it's always around this time too. Like just after the holiday. I think it's because I'm away from everything in normal life during the holidays. So I'm able to recuperate and gain some kind of positive outlook. But then I forget another simple fact. Once I'm back in school, everything will be exactly the same. Any kind of development I think has occurred normally always disintegrates, sometimes in a couple of days!
Now that I've written this out, I realize this is obviously a negative thought distortion. But I can't help feeling it sometimes. It's not like there's any way i can really know what'll happen. So I gotta sink this sinking feeling.
Okay, there. Bye.
Real Reality Realty
It's good to have a reality check every now and then I guess.
What's my reality?
School starts in 6 days.
I haven't remotely properly studied for anything.
I may or may not be too late for applying to my Uni.
I'm in the Cameron Highlands now, and couldn't bring any school work. (Not that i'd really do anything anyway; let's be honest here)
I really like Muse. Never really took the time to listen to them before, and I'm impressed. It's really obvious they've got some Classical inspiration in their music. I think I want to end up making music like that. But maybe more jaunty, kinda cutting yet bouncy? Maybe.
I have actually fully composed a group piece of music with 2 friends, and finished it. Which means it IS possible to actually do it. Good to know. Hopefully it won't be the last song I finish.
I've finished a book today called "The Game". It was about the secret (not so secret anymore) lifestyle and community of PUAs. And it got me thinking. I'm an AFC. And I've definitely got one-itis. The PUAs look down on that kind of stuff, and try to help "cure" guys like me. Well that's what the community was like when the guy who wrote the book first got into it. It quickly evolved into something a lot more different. At first it was about camaraderie and helping each other out, but then it was quickly enterprised. There's a whole ton of companies out there now that specialise in teaching the art of pick-up. Not something you hear everyday, huh? But it's a real thing. The book was very similar to Michael Ondaatje's Running in the Family actually. Like, I could see this book becoming a recognised IB study book in a couple of years. Damn. I would have loved to do my IOC on it.
I'm not nervous about the mocks. Calm before the storm? I don't know.
I've just realised I've developed this subconscious psychological tool to help me when talking to people. I do this thing where I imagine me and whoever I'm talking to are the only people in the universe. It really helps my focus. Hard to do in a group, but it is possible to adapt it. I don't do this all the time I think, but when I'm stressed, it seems to work. Most of the time.
That's it. This is my reality right now.
Oh, I also forgot to take care of a certain Potato in my room before I left. While I was there, the Spud had grown several disgusting growths on it's body, like some sick plant-like cancer. I touched it and I felt like throwing up. It's face is still there, but distorted by it's cancer. Maybe that's why I haven't touched it since.
What's your reality?
What's my reality?
School starts in 6 days.
I haven't remotely properly studied for anything.
I may or may not be too late for applying to my Uni.
I'm in the Cameron Highlands now, and couldn't bring any school work. (Not that i'd really do anything anyway; let's be honest here)
I really like Muse. Never really took the time to listen to them before, and I'm impressed. It's really obvious they've got some Classical inspiration in their music. I think I want to end up making music like that. But maybe more jaunty, kinda cutting yet bouncy? Maybe.
I have actually fully composed a group piece of music with 2 friends, and finished it. Which means it IS possible to actually do it. Good to know. Hopefully it won't be the last song I finish.
I've finished a book today called "The Game". It was about the secret (not so secret anymore) lifestyle and community of PUAs. And it got me thinking. I'm an AFC. And I've definitely got one-itis. The PUAs look down on that kind of stuff, and try to help "cure" guys like me. Well that's what the community was like when the guy who wrote the book first got into it. It quickly evolved into something a lot more different. At first it was about camaraderie and helping each other out, but then it was quickly enterprised. There's a whole ton of companies out there now that specialise in teaching the art of pick-up. Not something you hear everyday, huh? But it's a real thing. The book was very similar to Michael Ondaatje's Running in the Family actually. Like, I could see this book becoming a recognised IB study book in a couple of years. Damn. I would have loved to do my IOC on it.
I'm not nervous about the mocks. Calm before the storm? I don't know.
I've just realised I've developed this subconscious psychological tool to help me when talking to people. I do this thing where I imagine me and whoever I'm talking to are the only people in the universe. It really helps my focus. Hard to do in a group, but it is possible to adapt it. I don't do this all the time I think, but when I'm stressed, it seems to work. Most of the time.
That's it. This is my reality right now.
Oh, I also forgot to take care of a certain Potato in my room before I left. While I was there, the Spud had grown several disgusting growths on it's body, like some sick plant-like cancer. I touched it and I felt like throwing up. It's face is still there, but distorted by it's cancer. Maybe that's why I haven't touched it since.
What's your reality?
Thursday, 20 December 2012
Okay
Ahh, The Cure. I really haven't given them enough listening time I think. That is, until now.
I'm listening to their fourth album. It's called Pornography! It's pretty good. I really like Pornography. When it was released, people said that Pornography was too dark and gothic, hard to digest. But, I think that's what makes Pornography interesting. It's not afraid to wail, or say "I will never be clean again", and sound like it means it. That's what I like. Also the drums are particularly heavy in this. Not fast or anything, just pounding. So, in conclusion, Pornography is good.
My friend is gone now, and he left his potato here too. It's growing horrible tumour-like growths on it, and it has this kind of crooked smile on it, with perpetually raised eyebrows. As if it feeds off it's own curiosity. We threw it around a bit too, so it's become all scratched and misshapen too. So it's just sitting there on my desk, looking out at the distance, almost longingly. Like it can see through the window, see the eagles flying, see the people like ants below, and it just wants to join them. Or crush and destroy them all, which, to be honest, would be more likely from such a demonic looking spud.
Ahh, that's some good water I just drunk.
My nose has been so dang runny lately. Like a marathon runner. And every time I blow, it's like it's doing a sprint section. My Nose's cardiovascular fitness must be insane by now. Ever since the holidays began it's been like this. That's a whole week from today, pretty much! Although, I think tomorrow, it'll finally take a rest. About damn time. Just like every other part of me, it'll soon be infected with the apathetic laziness I've grown so accustomed too.
To be perfectly frank, Mr. Shank, I've been having a really hard time actually writing on this thing. I've done so many different drafts of all my posts. But. Whatever I talked about just seemed really trivial, like, who the hell would care? But then realising that kind of helped this wake up I had. I shouldn't care if what I'm writing is trivial or not. It doesn't matter if people like it or not, as long as it's something I want to mention. Cause after all, is this not what blogger is forrrr? And I also have to thank A friend named Jimmy, for some kind of weird shout out he did on my blog. So, I guess I'll return the favour. By doing the exact same thing for him! So, go on everyone, check out his relatively decent (okay, it's pretty fucking good) blog: Here
I'm listening to their fourth album. It's called Pornography! It's pretty good. I really like Pornography. When it was released, people said that Pornography was too dark and gothic, hard to digest. But, I think that's what makes Pornography interesting. It's not afraid to wail, or say "I will never be clean again", and sound like it means it. That's what I like. Also the drums are particularly heavy in this. Not fast or anything, just pounding. So, in conclusion, Pornography is good.
My friend is gone now, and he left his potato here too. It's growing horrible tumour-like growths on it, and it has this kind of crooked smile on it, with perpetually raised eyebrows. As if it feeds off it's own curiosity. We threw it around a bit too, so it's become all scratched and misshapen too. So it's just sitting there on my desk, looking out at the distance, almost longingly. Like it can see through the window, see the eagles flying, see the people like ants below, and it just wants to join them. Or crush and destroy them all, which, to be honest, would be more likely from such a demonic looking spud.
Ahh, that's some good water I just drunk.
My nose has been so dang runny lately. Like a marathon runner. And every time I blow, it's like it's doing a sprint section. My Nose's cardiovascular fitness must be insane by now. Ever since the holidays began it's been like this. That's a whole week from today, pretty much! Although, I think tomorrow, it'll finally take a rest. About damn time. Just like every other part of me, it'll soon be infected with the apathetic laziness I've grown so accustomed too.
To be perfectly frank, Mr. Shank, I've been having a really hard time actually writing on this thing. I've done so many different drafts of all my posts. But. Whatever I talked about just seemed really trivial, like, who the hell would care? But then realising that kind of helped this wake up I had. I shouldn't care if what I'm writing is trivial or not. It doesn't matter if people like it or not, as long as it's something I want to mention. Cause after all, is this not what blogger is forrrr? And I also have to thank A friend named Jimmy, for some kind of weird shout out he did on my blog. So, I guess I'll return the favour. By doing the exact same thing for him! So, go on everyone, check out his relatively decent (okay, it's pretty fucking good) blog: Here
Okay, that's all for now folks.
Catch you on the flip side.
Rotated again by 63 degrees.
And then lightly broiled to perfection.
Once there is a crispy outside, you'll know it's ready.
If the skin turns into a scab, it's been too long.
Serve with Chamomile tea and a good book.
Tuesday, 18 December 2012
Groper
All day my head has been completely congested. I want to slip off my nose and feed it to a wild dog, and then wait for it to shit it out before putting it back on. That'd be good, 'cause having no nose would be better than this feeling right now. Not even sure what it's from. Probably an allergic reaction to my friend who's staying over for a week!
Naaah.
I think it might have finally sunk in now that I'm on holidays. For the past few days, I haven't really felt the relief of having the pressure of turning up at school every day leaving. Like in the back of my mind I'm still thinking about whether or not I have homework I should be doing that's due Monday. But that'll pass. Probably around the time we start back in school. Mocks!
Oh, good news. My hair is now long enough to successfully head-bang again. Actually, I don't know if that can really be considered good, seeing as that means pretty soon my hair will get to that annoyingly long stage. That's when I'll cut it. And it will be no more. Only a few more months till I get a green Mohawk.
Around this time I always make promises to myself, like: "Oh yeah! I'm gonna finish a whole album before the new year!" Or something else along those lines. But, I'm not going to do that this time. Because, it's almost as if I'm setting myself up for failure. Sure, It's great to have goals and work towards them. But I think my head is sometimes a bit in the clouds, so I build up the thoughts of "yeah, this'll be great", but then I don't realise time passing. I swear sometimes it moves so slow, I can see it slip through my fingers. But then other times it's so fast, I forget what day it is. I think this kind of mind-frame I've been in might be the source of my obliviousness at times. I'm so caught up in trying to think about how nice things will be, that I don't realise the things going on right now around me.
My friend likes to grope me.
Naaah.
I think it might have finally sunk in now that I'm on holidays. For the past few days, I haven't really felt the relief of having the pressure of turning up at school every day leaving. Like in the back of my mind I'm still thinking about whether or not I have homework I should be doing that's due Monday. But that'll pass. Probably around the time we start back in school. Mocks!
Oh, good news. My hair is now long enough to successfully head-bang again. Actually, I don't know if that can really be considered good, seeing as that means pretty soon my hair will get to that annoyingly long stage. That's when I'll cut it. And it will be no more. Only a few more months till I get a green Mohawk.
Around this time I always make promises to myself, like: "Oh yeah! I'm gonna finish a whole album before the new year!" Or something else along those lines. But, I'm not going to do that this time. Because, it's almost as if I'm setting myself up for failure. Sure, It's great to have goals and work towards them. But I think my head is sometimes a bit in the clouds, so I build up the thoughts of "yeah, this'll be great", but then I don't realise time passing. I swear sometimes it moves so slow, I can see it slip through my fingers. But then other times it's so fast, I forget what day it is. I think this kind of mind-frame I've been in might be the source of my obliviousness at times. I'm so caught up in trying to think about how nice things will be, that I don't realise the things going on right now around me.
My friend likes to grope me.
Monday, 10 December 2012
Clutter
So it's kind of got to the point where I've been holding off saying much about anything, because I can't tell whether or not it's worth saying or not, and it's all just built up. Kind of like a hoarder, except the hoard is in my head. But I guess the whole junk part is still applicable.
Well then, on Saturday night, after coming home from dropping off a particularly awesome person, I went into my room, and lo and behold, look at what was in the middle of my room. Some fucking cat piss. All over some music notes that I did in class. By by yellow river second movement notes, you will be sorely missed... Especially when I'll be needing you for revision.
Thankfully that was about it. It didn't get on any of my actual books, so that's something.
But the only question left now is... Which cat did it? Gaaaaaahhhh. Yeah.
THE SOUL, THE HEART AND THE MIND. That's what this post should be about. Apparently. Why? Why not, right?
Let's see, okay. Let's take this as literally as possible.
The Soul: Well, I'm still not convinced if there really is one, or if it's just an aspect of our brain, or if it really matters if we have one or not. So that hasn't really changed I suppose since this time last year, when I wrote my post on souls.
The Heart: Right now my chesty area feels kinda warm. But that's cause I think I'm having a little heart burn. Cause I got a buurrnniing heeeaaarrt. Nah, actually, biologically speaking, heartburn isn't even from the heart. It's stomach acid stuck up above my stomach because of the sphincter between my oesophagus and stomach. And that just happens to be around my heart. So, if I were to judge my actual heart condition, then it seems to be pretty fine right now. When I was about 13, I made a bet with my old friend from Australia that if I don't have a heart attack by the time I turn 18, I get 200 bucks. Seems like I'm pretty close now to winning! Wow... I never realised how long ago that was.. Damn.
The Mind: Ohhhh, my mind. My mind, my mind, my mind. Where is my mind? In my head, duh. But no, that's really just my brain. My mind, is something completely different. It's in the clouds probably. But that's too cliché for me. Yeah, my mind's probably in the ocean. Deep sea diving. Kinda just soaking up and absorbing everything around. Trying not to drown. But then I'm kind of already in deep water now, aren't I!? (Metaphorical water anyway.) So THAT'S kind of out of the question. But yeah, no, in all seriousness, I think my mind is going pretty good lately. Rarely straying into some dark corner to go mope around a bit like it did a lot this past year. I think learning about negative thought distortions helped though. Cause I'm able to call myself out on my crap talk that I do to myself. It's not like I mean to do it though, it's really hard to explain. I used to just be really hard on myself, in my head. And I don't think I realized it. So then I kinda spiralled. Wee. Like the spiralling feeling I get sometimes before I go to bed. Turns out that's cause of anxiety. Who would have thought, huh? But! I haven't been spiralling all that too often nowadays. So maybe. Just maybe. Things'll just keep being on the rise.
Here's hoping.
Well then, on Saturday night, after coming home from dropping off a particularly awesome person, I went into my room, and lo and behold, look at what was in the middle of my room. Some fucking cat piss. All over some music notes that I did in class. By by yellow river second movement notes, you will be sorely missed... Especially when I'll be needing you for revision.
Thankfully that was about it. It didn't get on any of my actual books, so that's something.
But the only question left now is... Which cat did it? Gaaaaaahhhh. Yeah.
THE SOUL, THE HEART AND THE MIND. That's what this post should be about. Apparently. Why? Why not, right?
Let's see, okay. Let's take this as literally as possible.
The Soul: Well, I'm still not convinced if there really is one, or if it's just an aspect of our brain, or if it really matters if we have one or not. So that hasn't really changed I suppose since this time last year, when I wrote my post on souls.
The Heart: Right now my chesty area feels kinda warm. But that's cause I think I'm having a little heart burn. Cause I got a buurrnniing heeeaaarrt. Nah, actually, biologically speaking, heartburn isn't even from the heart. It's stomach acid stuck up above my stomach because of the sphincter between my oesophagus and stomach. And that just happens to be around my heart. So, if I were to judge my actual heart condition, then it seems to be pretty fine right now. When I was about 13, I made a bet with my old friend from Australia that if I don't have a heart attack by the time I turn 18, I get 200 bucks. Seems like I'm pretty close now to winning! Wow... I never realised how long ago that was.. Damn.
The Mind: Ohhhh, my mind. My mind, my mind, my mind. Where is my mind? In my head, duh. But no, that's really just my brain. My mind, is something completely different. It's in the clouds probably. But that's too cliché for me. Yeah, my mind's probably in the ocean. Deep sea diving. Kinda just soaking up and absorbing everything around. Trying not to drown. But then I'm kind of already in deep water now, aren't I!? (Metaphorical water anyway.) So THAT'S kind of out of the question. But yeah, no, in all seriousness, I think my mind is going pretty good lately. Rarely straying into some dark corner to go mope around a bit like it did a lot this past year. I think learning about negative thought distortions helped though. Cause I'm able to call myself out on my crap talk that I do to myself. It's not like I mean to do it though, it's really hard to explain. I used to just be really hard on myself, in my head. And I don't think I realized it. So then I kinda spiralled. Wee. Like the spiralling feeling I get sometimes before I go to bed. Turns out that's cause of anxiety. Who would have thought, huh? But! I haven't been spiralling all that too often nowadays. So maybe. Just maybe. Things'll just keep being on the rise.
Here's hoping.
Saturday, 8 December 2012
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