Loco

Alright, here it is.

I've been able to boil down the two parts of my mind that seem to be making me crazy.
Basically, there's two polar opposites in my head at war.

One side is sure that if I stick it out long enough, the love of my dreams will feel the same way eventually, if I keep going the way I am.

The other side of me thinks that's complete nonsense. It also thinks I should just forget about her. Not entirely, of course. I still want to be friends, yes, but just, maybe I need to just abandon any other kind of feeling for her.

The second thought seems to make the most sense. I mean, she has already rejected me about 3 times. The last time she even told me flat out that she has no feeling whatsoever for me.

But then I figure, it's been a while, ya know? Plus we're even closer now then we were back then. Haha before, I couldn't even talk properly to her without either messing up my words or just being too quiet.. Stunned by her total awesomeness.

Ah but we've only just become better friends. Plus she already is ENGAGED. To who else but my best friend. Haa, so cliché, I know. But it wouldn't be a cliché if it never happened to anyone. When they became properly serious I knew it was best to leave them alone. I didn't wanna ruin anything for them. But just recently, I found out that he practically cheated on her! How could he do that!? So what if he's far away. I just don't get it. The coolest girl in the world likes him, and he goes and does something like that.

So now I'm stuck with whether or not I should tell her..
He said that he's already told her about it, and that she was fine. But I just don't know if that's really the case.. I mean, unless they just aren't exclusive with each other. And so if that's the case, then I shouldn't feel so guilty about my feelings for her.

Now to be honest, I've felt something special for her since about year 9. It's just this different feeling, ya know? I have had girlfriends before, since year 9, just kind of looking for this same feeling.. But it's always different. I've read somewhere that it's dangerous going through actions just based on feelings. I've kind of learned that that's true.

But nothing bad has ever really happened between us. She's so low stress to be around. And I've actually known her for more than a couple of months, unlike my previous relationships, where I just basically dived in there... But I've known her for pretty much 4 years now, and the way I've felt still hasn't changed. In fact, I'm sure it's gotten even stronger from getting to know her even better. God, that's cheesy.

Alright so now I'm hoping this is so long that no one will ever read this. I just really needed to vent, and I doubt anyone would want to hear this. I mean, she's normally the person I tell stuff to now, so it'd be prreeeetty awkward to just tell her all this.. But then again I guess I'll never know. But I think I've decided to stick this through now. No giving up! Unless she just rejects me again. Then I'd probably just break down and cry.

Hahahahah only kidding. I wouldn't do that..... Maybe it's not so bad just being friends though? I'm happy with the way things are. That's what I'm scared of the most. What if I ruin a friendship worth 4 years? Besides her "fiancé", she's my best friend.