rteyuifvygubhnjkm

I can't really explain it. I just don't feel like doing anything at all. I don't feel like standing up, don't feel like sitting down. I don't want to go to bed but I don't wanna stay up. Bitch bitch bitch, moan moan moan, whatever. Like I said, I can't explain it. It just feels empty. Superficial. I'm glad I wasn't brought up to believe in destiny, because if I was, today would just be one big bad omen after another. I'd be a paranoid mess after how convoluted and complicated today was. If this is just the beginning of the holiday, I can't wait to see how else it unfolds! Manage expectations. That's the key. My problem today was that I set my hopes up far too high. So when something doesn't fall through, it's pretty shattering. I dunno. Maybe it's because I couldn't fall asleep last night until about 4AM because my mind was just too busy thinking about something that didn't even happen anyway. What a waste. I woke up sick this morning, thought I was actually gonna throw up. It calmed down eventually though, so that's something. On the bright side of having so little sleep, I didn't remember any of my dreams. Yay. You can't run away from your own mind, but at least you can forget about it. Until you wake up and some inhibiting memory comes back to bite you in the arse. Ugh. Maybe I am just tired. Not tired enough to want to go to bed. But tired nonetheless. Tired of rteyuifvygubhnjkm. That was me scraping my hand across the keyboard. In case you couldn't tell. But you probably could. God, how depressing is this? Not at all, you dumby. Tomorrow is Friday. Don't know what I'm doing on Friday. Maybe I'll sleep for 20 hours and have the day be over and done with. Ahh forget it. I'm over exaggerating. Glad school is done for two weeks. Glad that school will be over forever in about 2 months. Glad I know now what I somewhat suspected. Damn, my dreams are actually pretty accurate now that I think about it. Huh. That just makes me hate them even more. Shoving in my face what I deep down already know. How can someone be at ends with their own mind? It's my mind, surely I should have control over it. Screw this sub-conscious bullshit. Who needs one? Not I. That's for damn sure. Would be so much better off without it. I should go now.

SMD - Sorry My Darling

So, tomorrow marks the end of possibly the worst term I've ever experienced. Hoorah. Fitting, I guess, since it's also the last full term I'll ever spend in highschool again. Even if I fail my diploma, I'm not gonna go back. Fuck that. But I mean, that won't even happen anyway. I don't even know why I mentioned it.

ANYWAY

I'm glad it's over. I think I've mentioned several times these past few months how this term has sucked pretty bad. But there were times which made it bearable. Heck, even great. As my good Trevor Thomas would say: "Nothing is absolute," and for this instance, I can't help but agree. For all my bitching and moaning about how shitty this term has been, it wouldn't be right to overlook all the good stuff. Like the massive performance in February, and my birthday party, and getting to better know some people, and all of those English essays. Ah yes, I loved doing every one of those things. Especially the essays. Mmmm. Speaking of which, I've yet to write one right now. What are the odds! 100%, because it seems the only time I seem to write on this damn thing is when I have an impending essay due the next day, or damn close to it. Ah well.

Sigh, but I have missed you though.

Early

God damn dreams, waking me a whole god damn hour too early. And for what? The dream was total Shit. The only thing it succeeded in doing was making me feel even worse. Yeah yeah, i get it, i know that it's all messed up, deconstructed, dead. But even my own subconscience is just driving that god damn nail even further. Why? I must be secretly masochistic and this is my dream's way pf telling me. But it's not like i like this. No fucking way. All it does is remind me of what's gone away, and when i wake up all that's left is a feeling of bleh. I still don't fully understand what went wrong. Maybe nothing did. But to me, it sure as hell feels like it.

This is what I get for going to bed at 10 30.

Womp Womp

So, I fell over again today on the pavement.

Womp womp.

I managed to land the exact same way I did last time that happened, so the hand where I've got this scar now has another scar on top of it. At least this new scar is a little smaller than the last. But I think it's a bit of a waste of a scar.

Womp womp.

I mean, if I'm gonna get a new scar somewhere, it may as well be somewhere new. Not just on top of another one. Where's the fun in that? Nowhere, that's where. Next time I fall, I must remind myself to land somewhere else other than my lower right palm. Gotta shake things up a bit. Maybe my left elbow next? Heck, if I'm lucky, I might even break a bone! And won't that just be dandy!

Womp womp.

At least a trevor just so happened to be passing by and gave me a lift. So I ended up getting home probably earlier than if I had not fallen over. So that's something.

Womp womp.

Now I've got an english mock tomorrow after school, so I won't be finished until like, 5pm. Oh, and I really must finish my reflections of my compositions too. Oh, and I really must finish fixing up my shitty "Girl and the Soldier" sheet music I made last year, damn. that thing is just absolutely terrible. I don't know what I was thinking when I first notated it! Oh, and I really must do those English questions that I have yet to do.

Womp womp.

If you haven't noticed by now, "womp womp" is referring to the sound a trombone makes when it goes womp womp.

Womp womp.

Gaah, I'm just tired. Goodnight.

LOL GOOD ONE.

There ain't no rest for the wicked.

Womp womp.

Magnum Opus

Well then, I think it's about time we start posting up some new compositions, eh? This week will see me finishing three completely. One is a programmatic piece using the piano and mandolin, another is a string quintet (with a twisty fifth lead instrument!), and the final piece will be this Magnum Opus, which I will be posting here today, for all of you to hear.

Ahh. Absolutely magnificent.

It's safe to say this piece has really pushed my composing skills to the max. This is truly my Magnum Opus. There is a total of 40 instruments, including a legion of trombones, trumpets and flutes, a koto, a guitar, a drum kit, and a full choir. It's epic. And here is the gateway to my masterpiece:

Magnum Opus 

BRACE YOURSELF!

Heh. Heheh. Haaaahahahahahhahahahhahah. Heeh.

Weak Week

Monday

Hmm.. What's the worst that could happen, if I sleep at 9:30 tonight? I don't really know. I'll see what happens, and then write about it tomorrow. This'll be the earlier night I've had in a long, long time. Wish me luck.

Tuesday

I wrote this into google translate and made the english dude speak it:


"One fine day i was walking with my dog.
Then all of a sudden, what came to knock?
A snake, a shoe and a tambourine too.
Oh jesus fucking christ, what am I to do?

I looked around the world for someone to hold.
But everywhere I went, air was cold as gold.
And now, alone I sit and say with my shoe:
Oh jesus fucking christ, what am I to do?"

Poetry. Goddamn poetry, I tell you. Especially when he speaks it. Nothing else terribly exciting happened today as well so I'm just going to save this as a draft again and hope something amazing will happen on Wednesday instead. And by "hope" I mean do absolutely nothing like always and see what unfolds.

Wednesday

Typical. That's a word that came to my mind today. So very, very, typical. But now that I'm back at home, an English essay awaits me. I got out my last essay and read through my own notes for improvement. I wrote: "Find cohesion between point." Well great! The only problem is I don't got no points to make! I'm an entirely pointless! So pointless I'm basically a circle right now! There's no point here to put a cohesive substance on, because it's so totally and utterly pointless. Uuugghhh. I'm in a rut. I'm in a rut. I'm in a rut. I'm in a rut. I'm in a rut. I'm going to work on my composition first before I start hyperventilating over my own pointlessness. Maybe tomorrow this will be worth posting.

Thursday

Forgot to write anything for Thursday. That probably says something about how there just wasn't that much to say.

Friday

Today was like every other week 2 Friday, except I found out I actually did good for once in a maths test. That made me pretty happy, but let's not get too excited now. I was given a lot of shit today for some inexplicable reason just for working on my music composition outside. That really pissed me off, because I didn't see what the fuck was wrong with doing that. I mean I had headphones plugged into my computer, so no sound was coming out. And I had only one earphone on as well, just in case anyone happened to say anything to me. So there was nothing wrong being done. But that still managed to provoke hostility.. So stupid. In the end I actually only added like, 5 bars to what I did earlier that day. Which really, isn't that much. But at least it's something. Just got to keep whittling away at it. Like some old fashion wood whittler. I've got my Spanish orals on Sunday. That's the next big thing I'm working up towards. Then, it'll be completely finishing my uni application. I wish all I had to do was write an essay. But I don't mind, since composing is fun anyway. Just not when it's rushed..

W'okay then. That's it. No more to say. Go away now.
Only kidding of course. You don't have to leave.

Kaaa MEEEeeee HAAAaaaaa mEEEEEEE CCRAAAAAAAAP!!!!!! BAGUSHHHHHHHDGKUYFGidasfnOSDGLH "WOAH HE ALL GO ESPLODY"

I've cut my finger in this really awkward place on my index finger yesterday when I was playing guitar with my band. We were practicing for a show on Sunday. I don't even know how I got the cut where i got it, but I did. It wasn't so bad when it first happened, just stung a bit. But after a whole day, it's kind of just evolved into this semi-pussy bump with a slice over it, surrounded by red. It'll be a pain to do barre chords tomorrow, but oh well. The show must go on! I hope those kids we're playing for like the songs we're doing. Itchueewakuunee.

I just found my very first notebook. It was pretty interesting, seeing the kind of things that filled my head back then. It's from 2009. That's only four years ago. That's basically nothing and yet basically everything too. Anything that's really mattered in my life so far has happened between those four years. But then really, it's a such a small chunk out of what I've lived and what I'm going to live too. Man, I haven't really changed that much. Although, there was no swearing whatsoever in it. Except for the word "piss" and "doo", but I don't think they really count. It's also filled almost entirely with drawings. I loved drawing. I guess I still do, but I just don't have that much time to invest in that love. There were 2 main concepts I was working on. You could tell when I got bored of the first one because you never saw any trace of it ever again once the second idea came around. Hahah, ahhh. They were all for my comic book endeavors. Interestingly, I've never made a comic book ever since I came here. Kind of sad I guess, since it was my supposed passion before. I hope I'll be able to find one of my old comic books again. I would stay up till the wee hours of the morning, just working on a new issue in one of my adventures. Bananaboy. Man, he was a character. A stylish sentient banana with a mohawk and street smarts. He was best friends with the Black Veggie (Lol, most hilarious name ever. Bananaboy was original called the Blue Banana and he was basically the Black Vegie's sidekick), who my best friend made. That was in like, 2003? 2004? Somewhere around there. I wonder if my old best friend still remembers those times. We haven't spoken in a very long time, which is sad in a way, but then since we haven't really spoken for so long, it's not that shocking anymore.

Anyways, back to my first notebook. It's a total mess now; looks like it's been in a war zone. There's pages falling out, and most of it is pretty crumpled up. But still, everything is how I remember it. I've never been very good at maintaining those kind of things in very good quality. The first concept I came up with was this parody of Dragon Ball Z, Called "Dragon Fly Y?" Hahaha. I thought I was soooo clever for thinking of that. Basically, all the characters from the show are now slugs and snails and stuff like that. And they gotta collect these little dragon fly statues. Oh, and every attack was named after something excreted from the body. "Special Piss Cannon" "Destructo Doo" "Kamehame-crap", you get the idea. I got as far as outlining what each character model looks like, before moving on to something way too ambitious: My second concept.

I still think about it sometimes these days. I mean, just in passing in my head. It's set in a futuristic society. The whole world is basically run by a big corporation called Unity. Unity got to power by creating the ultimate power source to. Totally renewable and totally wicked. Everything in the future; cars, homes, computers, whatever, is powered by a miniature black hole in perfect stability. Yeah, in this world, black holes can be manufactured and controlled, and it turns out they can be used as infinite batteries. So, long story short, Unity bought the world. Or, took the world more like. What it couldn't buy off, it used its military (duh) to wipe out. Because the black holes are so malleable, Unity was able to create a bionic suit that can transform and morph into different weapons and tools and stuff, as well as awesome armor. To top it off, anyone wearing these military suits are instantly brain-washed and put under mind control. So Unity had this thing, where if there were any hippy protesters or whatever outside their massive headquarters complaining energy and life should be free, they would be turned into perfect warriors. It didn't matter who they got, because the suit can just shape themselves around their host to make them into whatever Unity wants them to be. Uh, but this is just the backstory to this whacked out universe I created. The main story is about this random dude called Bladen who accidentally stumbled upon the greatest bio suit ever created by Unity. I'm not sure how yet, but maybe I'll come back to this another time. So, of course, now that Bladen's got the ultimate weapon on his arm, he uses it for good, right? WRONG. He's an egocentric bastard that now possesses the ability to stop the evil that's taken over his planet, murdered his puppy and stolen his girlfriend. Except, instead of wanting to save the day, he himself just wants to become the overlord of the universe by taking out Unity and ruling the world himself. And that's fair enough, I say. What's different about his suit is that it's really a massive glove at first. But his arm can now morph into like, this massive anythings. Whatever he imagines, his hand will change into. Eventually it'll creep up and take over his body like some weird mold, but yeah. Oh, also, he isn't put under mind control, because his suit is the ONE suit that Unity created with no core. I didn't explain what a core is yet because I can't be bothered, but in short a core is what's central to Unity's whole mind control and power control thing. It's basically a dimmer switch. With no core, Unity has no ability to lower his power, take over his mind, whatever. This is a Mark II suit that Unity was making. The Mark I suit did have a core, and it's used by someone who ends up being Bladen's rival (surprise, surprise). But why were Unity making stronger and stronger weapons if they already ruled the world? Ha-ha! I do not know. Well, I do now. A whole story has come to mind from writing all of this down again. Maybe this will end up being something after all. I know it's riddled with cliches and plot holes, but there's always time to iron out the bugs. This is basically a re-salvaging from the notes I made in my notebook.

I don't know if that last paragraph made completely cohesive sense, but oh well. I'm tired now, so I'm going to go to bed. But this was a nice nostalgia trip for me.

Good-by.

Whatever

I just ran for my bus again. At least I actually made it this time. These past two weeks have been the time I've missed the bus the most. But what's the point of worrying about stuff like that though? Nada, zilch, NOTHING. Where am I going with this? I don't know, don't ask me. School today is probably gonna be shit, so I best brace myself for the worst of what's to come. Whatever that may be. Hm...

THIRTY PAGES

That, my friends, is how long Act 1 Scene 2 of the Duchess of Malfi is. OH BOY! I can't wait to get cracking on these thirty five questions. It's going to be amazing. Truly amazing.

Hopefully I'll actually sleep before one tonight. First time this week if that's the case. Here's hoping! I know, I know. If I want to sleep earlier I should stop writing this. But, I dunno, this kind of feels necessary. Just as necessary as my English and maths homework.

Today wasn't so bad, but there was one particular time which felt particularly bad at a particular moment. But other than that, I think today was alright. I've got to stop investing my thinking time in worrying and caring about things which aren't making me feel very good half the time. So that's something to work on. I mean besides my English homework. It's a slow, laborious process; reprogramming my brain. But I think it'll be worth it in the end. Or something worth regretting. I don't really know. It's hard to know about the future so I'm just going to focus on the present and try and be happy. If that means accepting what's hard, so be it. It'll be better than feeling frustrated half the time.

My friend has pointed out to me that I've also been acting pretty cynical lately. I agree with him. I don't think that's a position I should really be aiming for though. It's just kind of happened. Some form of bitter chip has this tendency to sometimes try and consume my shoulder. I gotta peel it off before it's too late. I think I can do it. It's all about Reduction, Restoration and Reformation. The three R's. I just made up those three R's and I don't actually know if that term already exists or not, but I'm going to try and follow it because having some sort of structure to follow lets my mind focus on things other than how I'm going to deal with things in my life. Psh, who'd wanna do that? That's a joke by the way. Albeit probably not very funny, but whatever.

My composition is something I'm really happy about. It's actually going somewhere, and it has a story, and it's pretty passionate too. The first piece I've actually composed for the piano and the mandolin. It'd probably be pretty easy for people who can actually play those two instruments fluently, but hey, it's my first attempt. Sometimes simplicity is what a task requires. I'll post it on here with a bit more of an explanation once it's finished. You may or may not like it. It's very different to what I normally write. Which is a good thing, I think.

Okay then, I've rambled on enough. I've consciously tried to make this post more positive than some of the previous ones, so I hope it shows.

Good-by.

FUCK YOU! lol.

I can't concentrate. I've been trying, I really have. But, right now, at 10:45PM, I just feel totally drained. At least I was able to finish my English essay last night. I'm working on this Theory of Knowledge thing now. I think it's interesting, but I'm trying to write about stock exchange and ethics, and it's not really going very far. I guess I kind of understand what I want to say, I just don't know how to word it properly. That's the most annoying thing. I always know what to say. Just not how to say it. Then I end up saying something dumb or uninteresting because I didn't convey what I meant to. I think I'm just tired. I'm really tired. I almost fell asleep standing up on the bus on the way home today. I also almost collapsed on my desk while I was just doing something a while ago. I think I was watching a video or something, and then next thing I know my head was on my desk and the video was already over. I think I blacked out. Writing this is kind of helping me stay awake. If only I could write like this for what I'm doing now, in a perfect flow of not really stopping and just typing whatever bubbles up out of my brain.

Shit, I just fell asleep again. this is me trying to type with m head down and not looking at the screen or keyboard. Ir feels like i'm doing pretty good. Holy moly, that was pretty good.

YEAH.
I'm sooo tired.
Tired of waaiiting.
Tired of waiting for yooouuuu.
For yoooouuuuu.

Beautiful, beautiful. Beautiful just like a ham sndwhich. Mmm. I'm hungry. But I've got indigestion too. Probably from being so gosh dang diddly doodly duddly tired. of waiting. Tired or waiting for yooouuu. Mmm, beautiful. Honest to goshly gosh. Haha.

Always look on the briiiight side of death.

Monty Python. Great song if you're ever crucified. Damn. That'd be so goshingly goshhersss painful. Gosh. On the bright side, it does give you time to reflect. Which I think we take for granted sometimes. Reflection time I mean. If you're always go go go then you don't always know know know what's really going on. And now, I mean really going on. You dig? Oh look at that. I just lost all my credibility cause I ended with "you dig". Of course you don't dig. You fly. Digging is for people who like to eat dirt. That's why they dig. For the sustenance. MMM. Genetically Modified dirt. I'd have me some of that mud pie yessireedoo.

I feel so cloudy. All up in my head. Like there's a steam vent in my cranium and it's fogging up my windshield. My windshield is my eyes. Hah. Uh oh. I just yawned. FUck. You know what that means? Time to get back to work! Say hello to the morning for me. I'll be too tired to acknowledge its existence.

Read on and prepare to be enlightened.

That's the last line of my introduction for this dumb English essay I'm doing about social and political purposes in plays. I think this is the best intro I've ever written. It even starts with a QUOTE!

A GOSH DARN QUOTE!

Aw yeah, this'll be great. Now, if only the task was to write a kick-ass introduction. I still need to write the actual essay. Hah. I swear I've been staring at my screen and books for the past 3 hours, just trying to think of something good to put down on this essay. My biggest problem is that I write too little. And then when I got feedback from my last essay, I was told I wrote too much. Too much! How is that possible! It was only four sides too! It's not like I did a 10 page thesis.

So, I did this awesome intro, and that really took it out of me. So, guess I'll stick with a two side essay then. Hahahaha. Quality over quantity right? WRONG! It's all about mass production. Why make something really fancy, hi-tech and expensive when only a handful of people will buy it, when you can churn out a massive pile of stinkin' dog shit to a hundred billion people. Right? Right. It's logic. It's common sense. It's dumb and I'll never do that.

It's all about finding that sweet, creamy, middle ground I guess. Damn, everything these days is about finding some sort of middle ground. Is this what it means to grow up?

Hahahaha, no, of course not. Otherwise I'd be writing my English essay right now instead of writing this stupid blog post. But I just had to share how proud I am of my intro. But I'll probably get a 5. Cause I always get a 5. But I'll try. I'll try and put a spin on things. Warp it. Maybe I should write my essay like a blog post.

That reminds me, for my music IA I chose the format of a blog. And it is just so phony. I think to get the true experience, I should make a little mini blog, and it'll be my Music IA. Hahaha, you know, that'd probably work. Then I just screen shot every post I do as a page to print. Wicked. I'm gonna do that.

Well, not now of course. I still have that goddamn English essay that only has an introduction. I should write the conclusion too. And then fill in the gaps. I've never done that before, and I was told to experiment. That'd be.. an interesting experiment. But I don't know. I think the hardest part is fishing for quotes that fit. It's one thing talking about characters, but now I gotta talk about socio-politics. Greeaat. I mean that stuff is interesting and all, but what verbal evidence can I extract? There's probably a lot and I just don't realize it. I'm sure when we go over it in class on Wednesday or something I'll be kicking myself over something really obvious that I should have known. That just seems to be the tradition of things.

Day in, day out. Things degrade, things improve. But eventually all the oscillations even out, and you're left with a flat-lining heart in an ambulance on its way to the morgue.

I'm not trying to be cynical. Honest.

Blank

You can wish dream and think all you want, but in the end, what's ever gonna change on it's own? Nothing, that's what. Kind of like this post. You'll never actually see it here unless you put the effort into highlighting this annoying  invisible text. I can't even see what I'm writing. Hope the spaces are right.