Wilting

I've got some roses left over from prom still... How long has it been now? About 3 months or so? Woooow.

Haha they're all dead and wilting. If my goal was to keep them alive, I totally failed. But I didn't really have that in mind. I mean, that's not to say I wanted them to die or anything.

I think these roses can kind of symbolise how things have been going. They started off smelling pretty great, and lookin' colourful. But then over time they just kind of start to decay. And smell. Well, I don't know how they smell now. I'm referring to my own smell now. Don't worry though, I'm going to have a shower after this.

Maaaan, I'm so melodramatic. I was kidding by the way. About all that decaying crap. Things are actually pretty good. I suppose. They're still different. But they're fine. I think I've finally compromised with life. So that's good. You still confuse me though.

Noo.. Confuse isn't really the word. Maybe perplex? Yeah, something like that.

Sometimes I like to just not say anything and wait for somebody else to start a conversation. It's not me being lazy, honest. It's just interesting.. Seeing who can be bothered to say anything and what-not. Am I a hypochondriac? I don't like to think I am. It's not my fault I just felt like fainting yesterday.. It happened twice too! At least the second time I was with people, so if  I did end up collapsing, I don't think they would have just left me.

Today I also had like, really really bad indigestion all day. I still kind of have it too. Is it all just my mind playing tricks on me? If so, please stop. It's a real pain... Why would anybody want to have something wrong with them? It just seems pretty silly..

So I found a new inspiration just recently. A new icon to look up to, and aspire to be like! He's called Brian Setzer. Probably the coolest cat around. Haha. Funny. Cause, he was in a band called the Stray Cats. So. Yeah... Heeh. I've been listening to his songs all the time now. Although I only did just find out about him about two days ago. So, although I say "all the time" is hasn't really been that long.

Why do I keep contradicting myself? I dunno. Maybe it's a sign of my inner turmoil. Fighting with myself. Nah, I doubt it. I'm pretty at ease. Most of the time. Most of the time.

Although sometimes I just wanna lose it. And kick and scream and shout. Just for the hell of it. Just cause it feels like the right thing to do.

But of course I don't do anything like that. Well, not in public anyway. Nah. Not even in my room when I'm all alone. Just swallow it down and bottle it up. Maybe that's what's causing my indigestion? Peerrhhaapps.

This seems pretty long now, so I think it's time to say goodbye.
Goodbye everyone! See you all next time!
Stay tuned, for the next thrilling, radical instalment
of my incredibly exciting life!

Or ya know, you don't have to.
If you don't want.
Up to you.

Inspire Me

This is the song I was trying to teach my band last Friday. Turns out, I'm a pretty terrible teacher. Ahaha, but that'll come with practice. Hopefully if they hear this demo it'll help them understand me better.. Well, tell me what ya think. Always open to advice.

Point of interest, this might be really really loud. Or it might not be.

Inspire Me

This song's about not knowing what to do about anything. Especially about the future.

Reality

Stupid dreams.

Make me think you're real.

Raise up all my hopes.

Everything's going fantastic.

Couldn't get any better.

But then something terrible happens.

And so you make me live through that.

And I do.

I make it.

But then I wake up.

"Oh. It was just a dream."

Now I'm back in reality.

At least that's what I think this is.

But sometimes I can't even tell.

Spit Ballin'

Well that was fun! 

A bit late to say that now, but I just thought I should say that. 

I'm talking about last night. That probably wasn't clear until just now. 

Ya see, I just did some major performance (I say major, but it was really only 2 songs :P) with my band. And it was just a blast. Even though, my guitar ran out of batteries half way through, and so I couldn't tune down half a step, and so Rudy had to tune all over again. But it went pretty smoooothly. 

I think people liked it, right? I hope they did. 

To be honest, I was actually really, really nervous. I think the most nervous I've ever been before I played. Couldn't stop shaking in my seat, just waiting. It was intense. But it felt great when I finally got up there. 

Heh, there was this part in the middle, where I decided to thank everyone individually in the band. Haha I had a feeling it was incredibly cheesy, but I meant everything I said. Totally non-scripted too! So that was aall from the heart. Boo yeah.

The weekend was really fun too. Well last Saturday was at least. Sunday I think I worked harder than I evveer have before. But I suppose that isn't saying much.. Ahem. But anyways, I'm glad I'm friends with the people I'm friends with. Hahah duh, otherwise I wouldn't be friends with them I suppose. But yeah. It's nice being myself with people being themselves. If that makes sense. it makes sense in my head. But I don't know if it does in yours, whoever you are.

My friend who goes to boarding in KL recently got suspended. She was caught doing marijuana. I don't get why she does stupid things like that.. I mean fine, if you wanna go and get high and stuff in your own house fine that's your own choice I guess, but to do it in school! Hhhh, it's just hard to care about someone who doesn't even care about them self. She could of so easily got expelled or anything, right before she did her exams and everything. I mean, she's already repeated year 10 and 11 twice now cause of moving schools, why would she want to do it again? 

But hey, it's her life right? Right. 

We haven't really even spoken much lately anyway.

I suppose that's partly my fault...

Oh oh, I just finished painting up a board game. It looks like a child did it! I hope it'll be worth something to someone.. Painting was pretty fun though.

Wow, what an egotistical blog post. Me me me. Blah blah blah. I must have said "I" about 52 000 times. I apologize for that. Maybe next time I'll write a story.

Maybe.

Problems

Oh yes, without a doubt, there is nothing more I enjoy being, than a third wheel.

HAHA. Just kidding.

Sometimes I just kinda feel like I'm sort of, outside of things. Like conversations, or jokes, or buildings. And I just can't really wrap my head around why. It's not like I ask not to be included, but I suppose it just must be my face or somethin'. And it seems a lot of the time I don't really have a lot to say, true, but I'd still like to at least listen and know what's going on. Ahh, but oh well, right? Doesn't really matter I suppose.

I keep thinking about my "problems" and how minuscule they are, compared to the grand scheme of things. There is so much more that's just, I dunno, bigger than me I suppose. So many other bad things that happen to other people and stuff all over the world all the time. And the worst that ever really happens with me is maybe a little social anxiety and sometimes feeling a wee bit dejected. But really, when I think about it, it's so stuuppid how I get all in a fuss about those kind of things.

Is it wrong to feel a bit of self pity now and then? I hope not.. But I'm not much a fan of pity anyway. I mean, time spent feeling sorry for yourself, can be spent actually doing something worthwhile, like doing things that make you feel self worth.

On a side note, another one of my insignificant problems is this damn blister on the side of my left foot! Argh! It's full of this clear liquid (not puss, don't worry) and it feels like every step I take is gonna pop it. I thought it actually did pop the other day. But no. It didn't.

Ah, see? This is what I'm talking about. Tiny, small, problems, that don't even matter to anyone in the world but me. I wonder if it's selfish thinking, being wrapped up in little stuff like this, or is it just natural for everyone?

But, on a positive note, I'm going to be doing some charity work tomorrow! I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to be doing, but all I hope is that I end up helping anyone who needs it. Aaannndd, there's another bonus for going to it too. After spending a whole lot of time trying to figure out how and when to ask if this person wanted to hang again, it turns out she'll be working at the charity thing too. So it's a win win situation! Yay!

And there I was thinking yesterday, that this was just gonna be one of those shitty weeks. Cause it's been pretty dull this week. No free time whatsoever after ever day at school. It's just one essay after the other. And if it's not an essay, it's studying for a huge test. I think it was this particularly crappy week that I actually got me thinking about how insignificant my problems really are. Lunch times were pretty fun though, so that's good.

Yeah i think I've rambled on enough now. Should probably go get some shleeeep. Don't wanna be all tired for tomorrow!

Late Night

So here I am. Hopelessly floundering around in bed. Just wishing I could fall asleep.

But I can't. And I've got no idea why.

The time is 1:42AM and I wish someone could just knock me out or something so I can sleep.. Heh it's school picture day tomorrow (apparently). So I guess that means I'll be looking like a raccoon! Dark rings around my eyes and whatnot.

Ya know I've been lying here since about 11... Hhhhhhhh. I just had my cross country yesterday. Me and my friend ran together, even though we were in opposing teams. We made sure to make it to the finish line at the same time, so to place tied and everything. But when we got back, turns out we were so late, we didn't even receive a placing! Hahaha, ah well though, what ya gonna do right?

But the real significance of cross country, I kind of just realized today, is that after last years one was when I started writing songs. And now it's been a whole year. So that means I've only really been writing for a year! That's it! Gosh, it really felt longer, I swear. But wow. I'm just kind of astounded at how short a time it's been.

In total Ive made 12 (relatively) complete songs, with a few other ones here and there that are halfies. And 12 is pretty sizable for an album, yeah? I just played all my songs in chronological order today. And it really felt special. It was one of the first times I really appreciated all the work I've actually put into them. Each one describes a different part of my life during that past year. So I've got my own 12 song long diary. And the more I think about it, the cooler it sounds in my head. Well.. To me anyway.

None of these songs are impersonal or anything, and they all have an actually connection to me emotionally and whatever. Which makes them kind of scary to show to people.. Its not art, it's my life. Ahaha so over dramatic, I know. But still.

But the other thing is that, I'm pretty much in the same position I was in a whole year ago. It's like, I know I've been moving, kinda feels like I've developed as a person and stuff. But through it all, I'm still just right back where I started a year ago. Maybe even a little further back? I dunno.

I'm kind of wary to show any of the songs to my band. Or suggest we play one. Since none of the songs are really in any style that any of my band members like. But it's okay. I really appreciate their tastes and what they all bring to the table. Fridays would be so boring if I didn't know you guys. And on that note, I can't wait to perform with ya on the 20th of march! Our first out of school performance. It feels like a big step.

I suppose I should try and go to sleep now. If at first you don't succeed, try and try again, right? Right. 

Goodnight.

I miss Joe.

Space

Today's the day!

My first musical performance outside of school.

I'll be playing for people who've never even heard about me before, never seen me before, never nothing! Boom! I'm really excited. It's only about a 30 minute slot in the lobby of a mall, but I think that sounds great.

I'll be playing with my good friend Rudy and some other people, like this short homophobic kid. I'm not particularly fond of him, but we seem to be able to get into a groove easily enough so I suppose that's good enough.

After that, we'll then be playing music for a theatre production. A one man show about all the different kinds of space. It sounds really interesting actually. We were meant to write a minute solo each that had something to do with space. The first one that I came up with at home was all about that awkward, unsure space. It was pretty crazy, full of twitch playing and goes from suuuuppppppeeeeer slow to really fast. But I didn't have the nerve to show any of the guys it. So, I'm just doing the more boring part of it. It's a bit of a shame but it felt too intense to be reproduced again and again. It was raw art. So emotional, I almost cried after playing it. Like you were seeing into my possibly-non-existent-but-maybe-there-soul!

Anyways, here's to hoping it'll be a good one!

On another topic, turns out I'm incredibly good at a Chinese card game. Impressed? I was. Cho Tai Ti! Or, however you spell it. I just wrote it how it sounds. Apparently it means big two.

Well then, I suppose I should go do some economics essay-ing right now. It's due next Thursday, and I'm doing it today! Hopefully I'll be able to stay on top of everything!