Examify II

So, here we are all over again.

The first of my IB exams begin tomorrow. I'm excited, I guess. I've learned enough school-related to get by. The only way I can screw up now is if I find myself day dreaming in the middle of the exam, with only half an hour left and only a quarter of an essay complete. That's happened before. My hypothesis on my wandering mind, is that some things in my head are just worth thinking about more than the tasks at hand. As it's said in a song I like; "if you could see inside my head, would you start to understand the things I value in my heart". What do I value in my heart anyways? I don't even know. I'm just a fictional character anyway. Freegal Smith doesn't exist. I am only me. Reality is most definitely not relative, no matter how much I tell myself. This post is meant to be about exams, not this other crap about reality and the mind and fuckshitballstew that I always go on about.

But I guess that's the thing. I don't have anything to say about exams. You go in. You sit down. You follow the instructions. You leave. I actually find it pretty calming, since you're actually expected to be quiet. You get punished for any forms of social interaction. Thank the lord almighty (lol, always wanted to say that phrase) for that! Hm, expectations. Everyone's got expectations on everything. That's just the way we comprehend things I think. It's all about expectation. Expecting what's to come. That's why some people love to gamble so much. They like the feeling of indulging their expectations. When something's unexpected, it's initially incomprehensible until we're able to wrap it around our heads and grow new expectations from the new unexpected stimuli. Is this making any sense?

I was asked today the thing I regret the most, now that school is over. This has been hammering away at my mind for ages. The massive invisible chip on my shoulder, slowly consuming me like barnacles on the bottom of a once clean boat. It always starts off all shiny and new, but sooner or later the parasites will grow, feeding off the accumulated scum. Have you ever tried getting barnacles off a boat? I have, and lemme tell you, it's fucking hard. You gotta poison them first, to weaken their grip. Maybe that's what I should do. Poison my regrets. My regrets of squandering things that are important to me and being too boring to make up for it. Yeah. Just poison the whole lot. Hahah, if only it were that easy.

The bottom corner of my right eye is now twitching again, which means I'm tired. At least there's exams tomorrow to keep my mind off of other things. That's probably the best part of exams. They're a distraction from the real world. The real world. That's a laugh. If this is all the real world has to offer, I think it's better to leave it behind. I think Blanche was on to something. Saying what should be as opposed to what is. If reality truly is relative, then who cares if pretending things are great just means I'm crazy. Does the will to find happiness outweigh the need for being grounded in truth? I don't know the answer to that. The cynic in me says the latter is what is important, and let's face it, the cynic in me is far better company for myself than the crazily way too open optimistic part. He's just a better influence, you know? Oh look, there I go accidentally splitting myself into pieces again. My bad. I know I am only me.

Alright, let's get these exams over and done with already so life can finally become something new. Something I won't squander and regret and make a big pointless blog post about it.

I'm out.