High Hopes

Well, tomorrow's my last proper day of school. Ever. And I reeeaally don't want to do the last piece of homework I ever have to do. Hahaha. God. I've learned literally nothing in regards to doing things last minute. Hahahahh. It's just.. It's funny. I'm really laughing right now. Ahhhh. It's an understatement to say I've learnt a lot these past two years. There's been a lot to absorb. Just with everything in the span of this IB time. Unfortunately, I don't think the most important things I learnt were school related at all. Things I still do need help with, school could never aid me in that. Maybe that's why it's so frustrating, having to go there everyday. Sure, learning various bits and pieces is great, but with what I really need help with, none is given. Maybe these magical lessons are kind of things that can't be taught. You just gotta know them already, or you're fucked.

I fit in the latter outcome.

Yeah, as much as school has taught me, I think the most important lessons I've been subjected to have all been orchestrated by myself. Then again, I guess without actually going to school, I wouldn't have gotten into the situations that made me learn these lessons.



People. I still don't understand other people. Does anyone? I don't really know. Seeing how other people interact, it seems they do.



One of the most important lessons I've learned is that it's bloody hard to fit yourself into something pre-existing, and then have it keep maintained. When something foreign enters the ecosystem of the body, anti-bodies come to destroy the pathogen. Maybe it's the same principle? Ahh, I don't know. What am I even saying?



I think that's why I'm most excited about everything ending. Clean starts. Starting things that couldn't have possible already existed because nobody knows anyone else. Level playing grounds, I guess you could say. Then again, who am I really fooling? I'm already surrounded by the shadows of former relations with people. It's like a punch in the face every time I think of how anything used to be with almost anybody. What's to stop me getting into this place again? Me, I guess. Only I can make the changes to myself. 
Ah, that leads me back to a question I've asked myself before. Can people even ever change? Or are we who we were 6 years ago, but with our recent experiences pasted on, making ourselves look like something different, when really, we've never changed. Change. I dunno. I'm just stating impossibles. It's impossible to know anything I've questioned. But this is just what creeps up in my mind every now and then. To be honest I really just think I want someone to tell me it's gonna be all alright. But that's a stupid request.


Okay then, after dinner, I'll finish my music homework. Then I'll go to bed.