Curses

I have a fucking question.What the fuck do people have against "swear words"? I mean it seems too fucking ridiculous to me. Words can only have negative fucking connotations if you let them.If we didn't put them on a pedestal so fucking high above the other fucking dumb shit words people use today, then there wouldn't be so much tension surrounding these fucking words. You fucking know?

Okay, so another thing people say about how fucking bad curses are is that children shouldn't hear them. Why the fuck not? They're gonna hear them fucking eventually, right? We're again putting them on that fuck-high pedestal, giving them greater weight then they really fucking deserve. So then we grow up with generations of fucking kids, who others consider little shits because they think they're so badass swearing all the fucking time. When really, if you think about, the root of all the fucking evil winds back down to you, you conservative fucks.

Haha, but in all fucking seriousness. I suppose I don't really give a fuck about how society treats the word fuck. They can not say fucking shit all fucking day as far as I fucking care. But, it's when they start telling other people what they can't fucking say, that's what pisses me the fuck off. Who gives anyone the fucking right to control what anyone fucking says? What you say is you're fucking business and not anyone elses. If you say something, without the fucking intent to offend, then there's no fucking problem, right? If someone was to get all up in a fuck and offended, even when the intent wasn't there, the person who said fuck or shit or cunt or dick or bitch or whatever other words that are considered "bad" shouldn't be fucking reprimanded and ostracized. Ugh, freedom of fucking speech. Hah, what a fucking joke.

Fuck.

Haha that was fun.

Mortal Morality

So I've just watched this movie called Chronicle for the second time and I've got to say: It's the best movie I think I've ever seen. Think I've told pretty much everyone I know that. But it's just so damn cool! 

Anyway, that's not really what I wanted to talk about. No, it's more I want to talk about an interesting point raised in the film. 

It's said that a lion doesn't feel guilt when it kills a gazelle, and that people don't feel guilt for squashing a fly. Now I ask, why? Well I suppose the answer is pretty obvious. Humans are sentient organsims, with brains that allow emotions and feelings such as guilt. Hence when we do something, like kill an innocent person, we'd tend to feel guilty. And if we were to squash a fly, of course we wouldn't feel guilty because... Well, because why? What makes the act of murder any different if it's inter-species. 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying slaughtering cows and livestock is wrong. That actually serves a purpose. We're going to eat those animals, and so we bred and raised them for that purpose. But a fly, we aren't going to eat. Technically, we're making a waste of a life. We aren't benefiting ourselves by not eating it. We just killed it because it was probably really annoying, as fly's tend to be. In that regards, does that mean a fly's life is worth less than that of human who is guilty of the same crime of being annoying? 

Yes. That's exactly what it means. If everyone was to compare the "importance" of life between different animals, of course humans would come up on top, because we are human. Then things like dogs, bunnies and other cute things would probably be next on the list. Then probably livestock. Then maybe the more dangerous predators. And then the shit eating detritivores. But the thing is, who are we to judge the importance of life? If Biology has taught me anything, it's that every organism links to one another in some way, shape or form. That's why we have things like food chains and fluctuating populations. 

But people don't really like to be considered "animals", do they? Personally I don't mind accepting that fact, but I'm sure there are countless amounts of people who would disagree that we can be compared to beasts. I suppose there is a partial truth to that though. We are, after all, the apex predators of the earth. No  wild animal on this planet can even stand to fight against an army of armed humans. So then, as we are the apex predators, this creates the thought that we are, in many respects I suppose, more worthy of life compared to creatures such as fly's. 

Okay then, so let's say we accept this notion. We as the human race are the apex predators, the greatest product of natural selection to date. As a result, our lives are more valuable then that of any other animal. But now we have to look inside our own species. Are there other humans that deserve to live more than others. And perhaps to a greater extent, is it possible to say that some people deserve to die?

There are some pretty nasty people in this world after all. Rapists, child molesters, pyromaniacs, chavs, murderers... Ah, now that's an interesting point. Society as a whole (in cultures that I'm familiar with anyway) recognize that murder is wrong, and is a crime. However the punishment for murder is normally either a life sentence in jail, or even execution. But hold on a minute. Surely if we murder this person, the executioner, the judge who deemed this person guilty and any other parties who wanted the individual dead would then also be considered murders, no? They are actively taking charge of ending someone's life. It's definitely considered pre-meditated too. In a lot of cases, I'm sure revenge is also in the mind of a victim's loved one. This in itself is technically murder, if the prosecuted is killed. However it's okay, because this person killed someone else.

So, it seems to me that everyone is born with a blank slate more or less in terms of having a  "right to live". If you do something that is deemed wrong, your life value decreases. The more "bad" things you do, the more you deserve to die. Each action would have it's own weighting of how "bad" it really is of course. But so, if using this logic, does that mean that the value of life can increase too? If someone does a whole bunch of things deemed "good" by society, then surely they must deserve to live more. In essence this is the idea that our actions shape how we are perceived by others. 

It seems that the order of mortal morality is that the loss of one life calls for the re-compensation of another. A death for a death. And with so many people being born all the time, we don't really need to worry about our population size as a species. But this is all just how I see the world. I'm not saying this is how things are to the letter. Just what they look like to me.

Impression

I've been thinking for a while about this, and i think now i may have been able to pin point one of the reasons why my social endeavours aren't always as great as i hope. Ya see, I think my problem is that whatever i do, just doesn't seem to exactly make a lasting impression. In fact, probably the reverse is actually happening. Mixed with my inability to properly start conversation, I think Im just turning myself into a forgetable character.

Instead of leaving an impression, Im actually more or less removing an impression. That sounds kind of weird, but think about it like this:

Say for instance impressions that people make on other people, were actually physically visible "impressions" on people. Like a bump or something. And so, say i was to not do anything that was perceived impressionable for an extended period of time, then eventually that initial bump would just pop back out and become flat. I suppose that's why first impressions are always considered so important, cause its the first instance where you either make a crater of an impact on someone, or something so small you'd be hard pressed to remember the bump was there the next day.

So now i suppose the question is what should i do to be more, well, lasting i guess the right word is. To be honest Im not exactly too sure.. So far it seems i haven't been able to really make an impact. So whatever Im doing now i guess is somewhat pointless.

What i really need to do is just get to the root of the problem and just get better at conversation i guess. Actually say things to people that are worth remembering. That's the tricky part...

The word impression also seems to derive from the word impress. Or the other way around, not too sure. But anyway, if the two are linked then the most obvious thing to do to make good impressions is to achieve feats that are impressive. The only problem with that is all that extra effort in coming up with something impressive to say or do every time i want to talk to someone who i want to remember me.

Then there's also that fine line between being seen as "impressive" and then being seen as a "show off". And if anything, that's a situation I'd rather not fall into. Hmmm. So much to think about.

Haha i find it funny though. Why should i even care if you remember me or not? If you dont then i guess either Im just too boring or you just genuinely dont care. So then i shouldn't worry about that. But what if its just cause Im too quiet and shy? Then i'd always have to live with the "what ifs?". So that's why i care i guess. I dont wanna live in speculation.

So there we have it! Now that I've addressed this problem, lets see if I'll actually fix it. At least I'll be able to say i tried.

Words

Broken: That's what my coffee machine is right now.

Due: That's what my maths IA and English essay will be tomorrow

Fleeting: That's what my time is doing while I'm sitting here thinking of words.

Talking: That's what I'm doing to myself.

Jumping: Is what a dog, somewhere in the world right now is doing.

Processing: Is what the printer is doing.

Hour: That's what just flew by.

Shit: Is what I smell like.

Kidding: I don't really smell like shit.

Roses: Is what I don't smell like either.

Turtle: A soup flavour they sell in America.

Burning: That's the feeling I've got inside.

Senile: Is what I'll become.

Beaming: Are the incoming head lights.

Flashing: Is your life before your eyes.

Cannibals: Are a native tribe in Vanuatu.

Maladroit: Is what I am.

Mouthful

Okay so, lately I've been getting the feeling like I've just been biting off more than I can chew. And now that I have time to sit back and reflect, I'm kiiiind of starting to get into a little panic attack. Like what the hell am I doing? It's like I'm purposefully trying to make myself as busy as possible. I should really drop out of something, but.. There's nothing that I'd really want to get out of.

It wasn't so bad at first. All I had was Drama rehearsals and they were only on every odd Tuesday and Thursday.
Then I added on training to climb this mountain in a few weeks time. Okaaay, so that's basically my Saturday gone most of the time and Mondays too. I could live with the Saturdays though.
But then we get the news that Drama is also on Saturdays. So that day is kind of sitting pretty precariously in the whole scheme of the days. I mean I wouldn't say I crave order, but I'm worried about when both drama and KK training coincide at the same time. Which one will I drop? Kind of in too deep for both of them now.
Then I joined the URM, which is a review/artsy newsletter kind of thing. I'm actually really excited about it. But there's just that extra layer of "stuff that I've got to do now" to smear on to the growing workload.
And then just today, out of the blue, my friend sent me a message if I wanted to audition with her for this Broadway musical workshop kind of thing going on. So ya know, of course I agreed to it! Wouldn't mind learning how to sing even louder. Might help in the future.
But now that means we've got to practice whatever we're going to audition with on saturday. So there goes that day for homework. Luckily it worked out I don't have KK training, but I DO have drama, as well as my piano lesson. Which is also on Saturday. Did I mention that?
Well anyways, I've decided to just tell the drama guy that I can't make it this Saturday. But then I found out that my piano lessons were cancelled for some reason with my teacher. So I was like "Yeah! Okay, cool! Maybe I can go help at this running thing going on then!" Oh yeah, there's also a charity run going on. I'm kind of too late to get a form and start collecting sponsors for it, but I could have still gone and supported.
Uh, but oh yeah, then this Broadway thing cropped up. So I've gotta do that now. So that's bye bye running. I suppose that's not so bad, but I still wouldn't have minded going there just as an excuse to hang out with people. Is that selfish? I dunno.

Sooo the Audition is this Sunday at a shopping mall nearby. woohoo. This Sunday. The day right before my math IA is due. And also an English Essay I believe? This is really stupid. The smart thing for me to do is to just say no to this Broadway workshop and get on with all my work over the weekend. But.. I just.. Can't... Say.. No! NO! Yeah. So I know the causes of my stress, and I know the ways to fix it. But I'm choosing not to solve it. Heh. Why? Because, well, to be honest I'm not even that sure. It might even end up being a waste of time. They're only going to let 30 people in for the final cut. So that somewhat decreases my chances. But I really just want to audition for the sake of auditioning. Just giving it a go. I think that's all anyone can really do. And I don't want to pass up an opportunity like it.

I'm always complaining about how there's never any chances for me to go out and try doing something musical (non school related). So now's my chance!

Now, on the off chance I do get accepted though, here's the flip side of the dilemma. The days that the workshops are on, just happen to be the days that my school is hosting the Year 12 end of year exams.

hoooraaay

So lucky for me, if I do get in, I'll get to enjoy those lessons accompanied with one, maybe two exams on the same day! Luckily the workshop will be from 7 to 9 or something so I would definitely still be able to make it. But something makes me think that this is gonna make me super tired. Hmm, I wonder why I'd think that? Heh.

But yeah, that's how it is, and that's how it's gonna be. This isn't really a post to complain mind you, I'm just trying to stand back and really understand the repercussions of what might happen if I try to fit all this stuff in my mouth at once.

I'd say there's three possible outcomes:

1. I throw up half way, dropping out of something and be ultimately disappointed at the messy trail I've left behind.
2. I swallow everything, and become a champion! This would be the best possible outcome.
3. And well for this one, I choke and die. Hahaha. Of course I wouldn't literally die. But I could just pass out from exhaustion, Fail my exams and/or screw up my whole IB career by not giving myself enough time to do my homework and coursework.

So what do you think? I'm aiming for outcome two. But we'll see in due course how that goes I guess.

To be honest I just really feel like a hug right now..

Eureka!

Hey hey hey. I got an idea for a concept album! What about a series of songs, centralized about a member of an insane asylum? Sammy The Psycho is what he/she is called. I'm not quite sure what gender it should be. Perhaps it could think it's a guy sometimes, but then other times it thinks it's a girl. And it's really ambiguous what it really is.

Now there's the question of what's wrong with little Sammy. Schizophrenia maybe? Hmm definitely anxiety. Ooh, bipolar too! Kleptomania? Hahaha perfectionism too. Maybe even self induced stutters at time. Those could be fun to work with. Hmmm Yes, this person has quite a few issues. Perfect for writing about. Each song could be like a story of insight into this fictional character's life. Oh hey, I could probably even integrate that brain transplant song too.

Now the only thing is if I'll ever actually get around to finishing it. What do you think about the concept? Maybe you could give me some ideas or advice or whatever?

I've decided to go back to my roots with this. I've just been frustrating myself I think. Trying to write things that don't feel natural to me. Like I've been trying so hard to write songs in a way that just doesn't feel right. Hah gosh, that's terrible though. Such a one track mind. I'll try experimenting more though, but maybe it'll be more successful. But don't expect any heart felt ballads any time soon.

Kay yeah, just thought I'd write about this idea now, before I undoubtedly forget about it eventually after putting it off for so long. Maybe after a while I'll realise how bad an idea this is. But right now I think it's fucking awesome!

Hhhhh, far out. It just seems like I'm incapable of sleep right now. Which is pretty crap because I'd really like to sleep right now. Ever get that feeling? Like you want to sleep, your body feels tired, but when it gets to the lying down part, nothing. Diddly squat.

Don't know how therapeutic talking about it like this is, but oh well.
Hah, if anything after staring at this screen I'll be even least tired. Heck, might as well just stay up all night the way this is going! Woohoohoohoo. Party goin down till dawn. Aaaaaaaawwwwww yeeeeeeeaaaaaaah.

No.

Ya know sometimes I just pretend I'm talking to you while I write this." Talking to whom?" you may be wondering. Why, to you. Yep, you. Nyahaha. Oh so helpful, I know.

I still haven't figured out the title for this post yet. Hmmmm, what should it be? Pretty pointless asking you this now. Since its not like you can read everything i'm typing as its being typed...
But i think that would be pretty cool. I reckon instant messaging isn't instant enough! There should be no need to press an enter button. Everything you type is automatically seen by the person on the other end. That'd kind of be like its more of a conversation too. Although, of you're a slow typer, it might be a little problematic.. Heh.

Oh so I've been trying so hard to write a new song lately. But nothing really seems to stick. I can't tell if there's just not enough going on in my life to move me so much to expressmyself through music, or if I'm maybe just lacking in new inspiration to listen to from other bands. Emotional trauma of some sort always seems to be a good kick in the gonads for me to write something new. Haha but I'd have to be crazy to actually go looking for ways to make myself feel emotionally destroyed. Naah, everything needs to be totally natural. Just gotta bide my time... Then maybe one day soon.. Something will just go BAM. And tada, i got myself a brand new track!

But i havent even finished recording the rest of my first album. I've been contemplating cutting out a few songs from there.. I was really into them when i first wrote it, but after time, and after other things in life, those songs seem pretty minuscule and meaningless now. No point recording them if i can't replicate the emotions i had at the time, ya know?

Okay then. I'll try getting to bed again. Maybe I'll start spinning around. That happened last night. Goodnight you. And you. And you too. And also you in Russia. Thanks for making up over 8% of all my views!

*edit*
Oh, Hah, i still haven't made a title for this yet.. Ah screw it. The first idea for a title, that's what I'll put up.