Every day I love you less and less.
Don't you just hate it when your face starts bleeding? Me too. I don't mean nose bleeds or anything, just face bleeding. Hmm, it really does suck. You know what else sucks? Having another biology test tomorrow. But it's okay, because I'm confident about it. Just need to catch up a bit more on evolution, and everything will be in the bag. The metaphorical bag, of course. Because I don't think I own a bag that can fit everything. Maybe Doraemon's pouch, but then that's still not really a bag.
The Kasier Chiefs are an interesting gem that I accidentally stumbled upon the other day. I'm glad I did, because now there's yet another band that I can learn from! So much to absorb when it comes to music and composing. I get kind of excited just thinking about the possibilities. Of course, it's one thing writing about writing music, and it's another thing actually writing the damn music that I can be fully proud of and say: "Yeah, I wrote that." It's all part of the learning process though. Getting duds. I'm pretty sure all the bands I've listened to have written a lot more songs than they've released, but scrapped because they didn't represent what they want to say. It didn't do fully do them justice. I'm feeling that with the old music I've written. There's not enough thought put into it, not enough actual creative intent. It's just chords with a shaky melody pasted on. I need to figure out how to make everything cohesive, and sound like everything is put in there for a reason.
Well, that's what college is for I guess. I've decided I'm going to do my bachelor degree in composition in Singapore first, and then do my masters in Chicago. Then, if everything goes to plan, springboard my career as a freelance composer/band guy from there. Only time will tell I guess. But I'm pretty excited.
Whatever happens, it'll be a lot better than a bleeding face.
Wednesday, 16 January 2013
Tuesday, 15 January 2013
Bad Sign
All my time has turned to days that I will waste until my dying day.
That's a song by the way. Bad Sign, I mean. It's by Brad Sucks, and I like it. I'm listening to it right now. You should look it up. If you feel like it. Up to you, really. I won't mind either way.
So apparently, I think I've come to the conclusion that I must just naturally give off these strong "I don't feel like talking to you" vibes. Because, it even managed to get through to my own therapist. So she ended my session early this Monday, because she thought I didn't want to talk. The ironic part is though, she didn't tell me she felt that way, she told my dad when I left the room and he entered after me. It's ironic, because those vibes that she was picking up is something we should have really talked about, you know, so maybe I could figure out a plan to try and fix that. But, no.
I just thought, it must be really bad, because I was able to convince someone who is paid to talk to me to not talk to me.
So, guess I should apologise if that seems to be how I am. All "I don't feel like talking". Maybe it's my face? I don't know. Well, okay I don't apologise for it, because it's not intentional. But if it ever looks like I don't want to talk, it probably means I do want to. Because opening mouths and projecting sound from the larynx can be fun. Especially when the sounds can be interpreted as some form of language. Preferably English, because my Spanish is still rubbish and I can't remember very much Japanese or French any more. Thankfully, I can still read Japanese though. That's been embedded in my head for ever I think.
Well I have a biology test tomorrow that I will do moderately okay in, like every other biology test. Hah! Just joking, of course. It's time to be confident. This is the confidence paragraph. If you read everything I said in a mopey voice, then stop now and re-read it like someone who is quietly confident, and knows their shit. Go on, re-read it. I'll wait for you. Okay, done? Probably not. Like you'd re-read it. You're fare too busy reading this sentence right here. And here. And here. And here. And here. And I'll stop now, because I was about to go into an infinite loop. And this is not the infinite loop paragraph; this is the confidence paragraph. I will try my best for the biology test tomorrow, and that will present me with a score that, to me, is deemed awesome. Why? Because I know I tried my best on it. And that's all you can do with these things. Unless your goal is to not succeed, which in that case, you'll be succeeding in failing. So you still win regardless!
Okay then, that's enough for now. I still have to start my study for bio!
Haaaahahaaahahahhahahahaahahah. Totally kidding. I've been studying today. Sure I have. You doubt it? Well, me too! So I guess that means we're on the same page.
What are you waiting for? Close the page already.
That's a song by the way. Bad Sign, I mean. It's by Brad Sucks, and I like it. I'm listening to it right now. You should look it up. If you feel like it. Up to you, really. I won't mind either way.
So apparently, I think I've come to the conclusion that I must just naturally give off these strong "I don't feel like talking to you" vibes. Because, it even managed to get through to my own therapist. So she ended my session early this Monday, because she thought I didn't want to talk. The ironic part is though, she didn't tell me she felt that way, she told my dad when I left the room and he entered after me. It's ironic, because those vibes that she was picking up is something we should have really talked about, you know, so maybe I could figure out a plan to try and fix that. But, no.
I just thought, it must be really bad, because I was able to convince someone who is paid to talk to me to not talk to me.
So, guess I should apologise if that seems to be how I am. All "I don't feel like talking". Maybe it's my face? I don't know. Well, okay I don't apologise for it, because it's not intentional. But if it ever looks like I don't want to talk, it probably means I do want to. Because opening mouths and projecting sound from the larynx can be fun. Especially when the sounds can be interpreted as some form of language. Preferably English, because my Spanish is still rubbish and I can't remember very much Japanese or French any more. Thankfully, I can still read Japanese though. That's been embedded in my head for ever I think.
Well I have a biology test tomorrow that I will do moderately okay in, like every other biology test. Hah! Just joking, of course. It's time to be confident. This is the confidence paragraph. If you read everything I said in a mopey voice, then stop now and re-read it like someone who is quietly confident, and knows their shit. Go on, re-read it. I'll wait for you. Okay, done? Probably not. Like you'd re-read it. You're fare too busy reading this sentence right here. And here. And here. And here. And here. And I'll stop now, because I was about to go into an infinite loop. And this is not the infinite loop paragraph; this is the confidence paragraph. I will try my best for the biology test tomorrow, and that will present me with a score that, to me, is deemed awesome. Why? Because I know I tried my best on it. And that's all you can do with these things. Unless your goal is to not succeed, which in that case, you'll be succeeding in failing. So you still win regardless!
Okay then, that's enough for now. I still have to start my study for bio!
Haaaahahaaahahahhahahahaahahah. Totally kidding. I've been studying today. Sure I have. You doubt it? Well, me too! So I guess that means we're on the same page.
What are you waiting for? Close the page already.
Sunday, 13 January 2013
Twitch
Today and yesterday, the muscle around my right eye area has been twitching a lot, just at random times during the day.
I don't know what's causing it, but it's getting kinda annoying. It normally goes away if I rub my eye for a while.
Twitches are just muscular spasms from confusion in the nerves. So I guess just my general confusion on life has physically manifested. Hah, so stupid. But you never know. Maybe the spiders living inside my head were busy Friday night rewiring my nerves.
It'll be interesting to see if this continues or just goes away. I'll keep you posted, cause I know you give a shit.
I don't know what's causing it, but it's getting kinda annoying. It normally goes away if I rub my eye for a while.
Twitches are just muscular spasms from confusion in the nerves. So I guess just my general confusion on life has physically manifested. Hah, so stupid. But you never know. Maybe the spiders living inside my head were busy Friday night rewiring my nerves.
It'll be interesting to see if this continues or just goes away. I'll keep you posted, cause I know you give a shit.
Thursday, 10 January 2013
Run
So I just checked my facebook's "General Account Settings", and I noticed for the first time what the link to my wall is. It's your standard affair, facebook dot com slash my name, but then, I noticed a number next to it. It says 5220. Now, I can only assume that that means I am the 5220th Bryce Johnson to have made a facebook account. It got me wondering what all the other people with my name are like. But then I quickly grew bored of that idea and through it away in the bin in my bathroom. There's a lot of people in this world, and according to facebook, I know 266. Now of course that's a lie. But it's never really bothered me that much until today. The meaning of the word "friend" has diminished a lot according to this video by Vsauce I watched just now. And to be honest, that kind of disturbs me. I don't like the feeling of pretending to know even half the people on that list. I don't know them and they don't know me, and I'm fine with that. But what I'm not fine with is masquerading with it, being updated every time someone who I've forgotten about three years ago does some minuscule thing. I think what really bothers me though is that I've got real friends that I do care about, and they're in that same list as everyone else, and I don't think they deserve that, since they mean way more. It's kind of insulting to them really. And yeah, that's totally my fault (and Joe's) for accepting the people in the first place, but I'm not going to trawl through it picking and choosing who I want to stay in contact with. If we're real friends, we'll have other means to communicate besides facebook, so who cares? So screw facebook and social networking that promotes creating fake connections with strangers. I'm out.
Tuesday, 8 January 2013
White Noise
It's not physically possible to study in my room. There's just way too much distraction. Everywhere. It's like, when you turn on a TV and it's got white noise covering the whole screen. That's how much distraction is in here. This is one of those distractions. I mean really, just my computer in general. I'd say the computer makes up about 35% of the distraction ratio in here. Then my guitar takes up about 56.97% of it. That's a pretty big part. Oh, and then there's my phone too, ya know texting and whatever, so that takes up about 20.43%. But then that follows me around anyway. So whenever I'm walking around in the world, I'm always carrying a potential 20.43% of distraction with me. Hmm, my bed is also in my room (no shit), and that can be a distraction too. Especially when it hasn't been made, so it's all inviting and ready for me. So I'd give that a 12% because I don't really nap that much.
Now if you're one of those people who actually bothered counting up all those percentages, you may find that they don't add up to 100. That's because, I just put up random numbers. I had the good intentions of trying to make them all sort out neatly, and they're all crazy fractions, but no. Just no. Not this time. No effort from me. I'm just far too distracted. Ooh look, a text.
So today was the first day of mocks. WOOP WOOP. Not bad, not bad. I normally do pretty terribly on exams when I think they're "not bad", but oh well. I'm just gonna go with it. I think Spanish is gonna be the hardest. And that's on Friday. That's also the day I'll be getting my haircut. I'm thinking of getting it exactly how it was last time I got it cut, because I'm a creature of habit. Terrible. What a terrible attitude! I need something different. Something to reflect my mood of late.
Woah I just realised something. Why is the g in sign silent, but in signature it isn't? I just love all the inconsistencies of this language. Well, of any language really. I think it's kinda endearing. Okay I'm not going to go more into that, because I tried to just then, but I bored myself to sleep.
Holidays are dangerous for people who live in their head I think. It's mainly because, when you're away from the schedule you're used to, and the people you see and interact with daily, it's easy to forget who you are, and how you are in reality. It's really easy to remember yourself differently than how you actually are. So you're able to build yourself up in your head, thinking you're this totally different person inside, but then when push comes to shove, and you're put back into that same groove you went away from for 3 weeks, you suddenly smash into the brick wall of reality. All that mental preparation you've done is pretty much flushed away, and in the end you are who you were three weeks ago, except you forgot to manage your expectations, and let yourself forget who you are. And yeah, yeah, I know that all this mental change stuff is only able to be possible by the individual in question and no one else, but it doesn't change the fact that it can be hard readjusting yourself. I'm assuming this really only happens to people who live in their head, because they'd internalise everything, reflect on them, and then as a result make weird expectations that, when you look back on them, seem pretty ridiculous.
But that's just how it goes sometimes.
Now if you're one of those people who actually bothered counting up all those percentages, you may find that they don't add up to 100. That's because, I just put up random numbers. I had the good intentions of trying to make them all sort out neatly, and they're all crazy fractions, but no. Just no. Not this time. No effort from me. I'm just far too distracted. Ooh look, a text.
So today was the first day of mocks. WOOP WOOP. Not bad, not bad. I normally do pretty terribly on exams when I think they're "not bad", but oh well. I'm just gonna go with it. I think Spanish is gonna be the hardest. And that's on Friday. That's also the day I'll be getting my haircut. I'm thinking of getting it exactly how it was last time I got it cut, because I'm a creature of habit. Terrible. What a terrible attitude! I need something different. Something to reflect my mood of late.
Woah I just realised something. Why is the g in sign silent, but in signature it isn't? I just love all the inconsistencies of this language. Well, of any language really. I think it's kinda endearing. Okay I'm not going to go more into that, because I tried to just then, but I bored myself to sleep.
Holidays are dangerous for people who live in their head I think. It's mainly because, when you're away from the schedule you're used to, and the people you see and interact with daily, it's easy to forget who you are, and how you are in reality. It's really easy to remember yourself differently than how you actually are. So you're able to build yourself up in your head, thinking you're this totally different person inside, but then when push comes to shove, and you're put back into that same groove you went away from for 3 weeks, you suddenly smash into the brick wall of reality. All that mental preparation you've done is pretty much flushed away, and in the end you are who you were three weeks ago, except you forgot to manage your expectations, and let yourself forget who you are. And yeah, yeah, I know that all this mental change stuff is only able to be possible by the individual in question and no one else, but it doesn't change the fact that it can be hard readjusting yourself. I'm assuming this really only happens to people who live in their head, because they'd internalise everything, reflect on them, and then as a result make weird expectations that, when you look back on them, seem pretty ridiculous.
But that's just how it goes sometimes.
Wednesday, 2 January 2013
Neg
So I haven't shaved since the holidays started. Hasn't really felt like I've got a reason to. So now I've got this pretty wicked moustache that makes me look like an aficionado of something. Maybe fine wine. Or comic books. Hahaha, yeah, I think a slimeball's moustache better labels my facial hair. Like one look at me with this on, and you KNOW I'm gonna rip you off. What a scumbag.
You know, I think lately during this holiday I've been putting my self in a sense of false security. Like I've been really positive and happy. And when a bad thought does come around, I'm able to catch myself out on it, chalk it up to a negative thought distortion, and actually get rid of it. But I think I've been forgetting on important fact:
The world is a sick machine breeding a massive shit.
And really, it's only a matter of time before another big piece of shit drops out of nowhere. And it's always around this time too. Like just after the holiday. I think it's because I'm away from everything in normal life during the holidays. So I'm able to recuperate and gain some kind of positive outlook. But then I forget another simple fact. Once I'm back in school, everything will be exactly the same. Any kind of development I think has occurred normally always disintegrates, sometimes in a couple of days!
Now that I've written this out, I realize this is obviously a negative thought distortion. But I can't help feeling it sometimes. It's not like there's any way i can really know what'll happen. So I gotta sink this sinking feeling.
Okay, there. Bye.
You know, I think lately during this holiday I've been putting my self in a sense of false security. Like I've been really positive and happy. And when a bad thought does come around, I'm able to catch myself out on it, chalk it up to a negative thought distortion, and actually get rid of it. But I think I've been forgetting on important fact:
The world is a sick machine breeding a massive shit.
And really, it's only a matter of time before another big piece of shit drops out of nowhere. And it's always around this time too. Like just after the holiday. I think it's because I'm away from everything in normal life during the holidays. So I'm able to recuperate and gain some kind of positive outlook. But then I forget another simple fact. Once I'm back in school, everything will be exactly the same. Any kind of development I think has occurred normally always disintegrates, sometimes in a couple of days!
Now that I've written this out, I realize this is obviously a negative thought distortion. But I can't help feeling it sometimes. It's not like there's any way i can really know what'll happen. So I gotta sink this sinking feeling.
Okay, there. Bye.
Real Reality Realty
It's good to have a reality check every now and then I guess.
What's my reality?
School starts in 6 days.
I haven't remotely properly studied for anything.
I may or may not be too late for applying to my Uni.
I'm in the Cameron Highlands now, and couldn't bring any school work. (Not that i'd really do anything anyway; let's be honest here)
I really like Muse. Never really took the time to listen to them before, and I'm impressed. It's really obvious they've got some Classical inspiration in their music. I think I want to end up making music like that. But maybe more jaunty, kinda cutting yet bouncy? Maybe.
I have actually fully composed a group piece of music with 2 friends, and finished it. Which means it IS possible to actually do it. Good to know. Hopefully it won't be the last song I finish.
I've finished a book today called "The Game". It was about the secret (not so secret anymore) lifestyle and community of PUAs. And it got me thinking. I'm an AFC. And I've definitely got one-itis. The PUAs look down on that kind of stuff, and try to help "cure" guys like me. Well that's what the community was like when the guy who wrote the book first got into it. It quickly evolved into something a lot more different. At first it was about camaraderie and helping each other out, but then it was quickly enterprised. There's a whole ton of companies out there now that specialise in teaching the art of pick-up. Not something you hear everyday, huh? But it's a real thing. The book was very similar to Michael Ondaatje's Running in the Family actually. Like, I could see this book becoming a recognised IB study book in a couple of years. Damn. I would have loved to do my IOC on it.
I'm not nervous about the mocks. Calm before the storm? I don't know.
I've just realised I've developed this subconscious psychological tool to help me when talking to people. I do this thing where I imagine me and whoever I'm talking to are the only people in the universe. It really helps my focus. Hard to do in a group, but it is possible to adapt it. I don't do this all the time I think, but when I'm stressed, it seems to work. Most of the time.
That's it. This is my reality right now.
Oh, I also forgot to take care of a certain Potato in my room before I left. While I was there, the Spud had grown several disgusting growths on it's body, like some sick plant-like cancer. I touched it and I felt like throwing up. It's face is still there, but distorted by it's cancer. Maybe that's why I haven't touched it since.
What's your reality?
What's my reality?
School starts in 6 days.
I haven't remotely properly studied for anything.
I may or may not be too late for applying to my Uni.
I'm in the Cameron Highlands now, and couldn't bring any school work. (Not that i'd really do anything anyway; let's be honest here)
I really like Muse. Never really took the time to listen to them before, and I'm impressed. It's really obvious they've got some Classical inspiration in their music. I think I want to end up making music like that. But maybe more jaunty, kinda cutting yet bouncy? Maybe.
I have actually fully composed a group piece of music with 2 friends, and finished it. Which means it IS possible to actually do it. Good to know. Hopefully it won't be the last song I finish.
I've finished a book today called "The Game". It was about the secret (not so secret anymore) lifestyle and community of PUAs. And it got me thinking. I'm an AFC. And I've definitely got one-itis. The PUAs look down on that kind of stuff, and try to help "cure" guys like me. Well that's what the community was like when the guy who wrote the book first got into it. It quickly evolved into something a lot more different. At first it was about camaraderie and helping each other out, but then it was quickly enterprised. There's a whole ton of companies out there now that specialise in teaching the art of pick-up. Not something you hear everyday, huh? But it's a real thing. The book was very similar to Michael Ondaatje's Running in the Family actually. Like, I could see this book becoming a recognised IB study book in a couple of years. Damn. I would have loved to do my IOC on it.
I'm not nervous about the mocks. Calm before the storm? I don't know.
I've just realised I've developed this subconscious psychological tool to help me when talking to people. I do this thing where I imagine me and whoever I'm talking to are the only people in the universe. It really helps my focus. Hard to do in a group, but it is possible to adapt it. I don't do this all the time I think, but when I'm stressed, it seems to work. Most of the time.
That's it. This is my reality right now.
Oh, I also forgot to take care of a certain Potato in my room before I left. While I was there, the Spud had grown several disgusting growths on it's body, like some sick plant-like cancer. I touched it and I felt like throwing up. It's face is still there, but distorted by it's cancer. Maybe that's why I haven't touched it since.
What's your reality?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)