Frustration

It's like the feeling of being shot down before you actually lift off the ground. Probably what makes it feel worse is that's usually just accidental. It's like "oh, woops, i was just shooting the ground and your foot just happened to be there." But i mean i wouldn't reallly be able to hear that be said anyway, since I'd be writhing on the floor with a hole through my foot.

And i can't sleep, and i can't think straight; memories get cloudy and then others get into focus. Maybe i remember things wrong a lot? And my stomach is turning and doing backflips, and i can't sleep even though i felt as tired as a dead koala by 8 30. So I close my eyes now at 1 15 and i can't help but toss and turn just like my stomach. You are what you eat, right? So I guess that means Im just a dish of chicken rice. Makes sense.

But don't get me wrong. This is not me complaining, oh no no, far from it. I'm simply venting everything i feel inside my bubbling, whirling, blur of a mind. I think this is why i need to learn how to meditate. How can i ever expect to understand someone else when i can't even comprehend my own thoughts and thinking process. But man, just vegetables for a month. At least I'll probably end up at the end liking them. Desperation is the key. If you're desperate enough, you'll do anything. I guess. I've never reallly been in a dire situation that made me feel completely and utterly desperate while i scratched and clawed my eyes and heart out looking for room to breathe and a different perspective on things.

I'm not angry, that's not the right term. I'm not even confused either, because i know what's going on. I'm not dry reaching, nope, haven't thrown up since i threw up on that poor man in the cinema, oh god, i am still so sorry about that. Maybe my problem is I'm waking up every morning to the song "Why Bother" by Weezer. Its a great song but it's terribly sad but true. I don't think it entirely relates to me, but it's not exactly a positive track to get me jiving in the early hours. Being kept up by myself isn't very good either probably for tomorrow. I really just want to sleep. I don't even want to press post. But i will when Im done, because that's just what you do. You write whatever it is you write, no matter how trite, and you press post. That's the routine. And i love it. Order, i like order. Routine. Something i can fall back on and trust. I love being able to trust. Sometimes i trust too easily to my own detriment, i know. I take things seriously when i probably shouldn't. But it only ever occurs to me in hindsight. I hold on to a lot of things. I wouldn't call it baggage, because there's no suitcases involved. Haahahaha. Get it? Of course you do. Damn it. It's 1 30 now. Where does the time go? Up my ass and into the universe. Am i implying there's a universe up my ass? May as well. The human body is complex. Every living thing seems so complex. Im so genuinely astounded everytime i learn about a new process that makes life life. Its just amazing. That's why i like biology. Too bad i can't study for shit.

Can't or won't? I guess that question can apply to pretty much anything and everything O don't so. I can't or i won't finish my breakfast? I can't or i won't dance in the middle of the street? I can't or i won't stop making excuses for not doing things I tell myself Im going to do? I guess the question is pointless anyway because the end result is that i haven't done anything anyway. Whether i didn't do it because i was literally incapable or just subconsciously couldn't muster the power, it doesn't matter. Nothing was done. Nothing is done. Except for music IA but even that isn't completely finished.

Aah, I'm just frustrated. I'll get over it.