Zipper

Wow. Really? Can't talk to the point of not even being able to ask for 20 sen to get home. This shit is getting debilitating. You'd think after the last string of positive posts things would start getting better, right?

Hahahah. Hah. No. On the contrary. Its like after something good happens, or i sense some kind of progression socially with pretty much anyone, i get all happy and ignorant. And i forget, that there's a lot more left.

I don't get it really. Talking should be easy. I've been speaking since i was about 3. And yet, almost everyday my skills seem to just be deteriorating. I can't just expect everyone to start all conversations. And yet i just, i just, i just can't open my god damn mouth. Why? Why oh why oh why?

It really shouldn't be that hard. Shoulda woulda coulda. Or in this case shouldn't wouldn't couldn't. And yet it is! And Im just stuck in this frustrating loop that consists of false hope followed by a decline in social skills. And the stupid part is it's all in my head. Yet i just can't wrap my mind around it, and strangle the problem to death. Hah. If only.

My mouth is like a zipper that's stuck on the corner of my jeans.

I'd end on a positive note like: "I'm sure next week will be better!" But positivity can go fuck a butt. I'm out.

Anticipation

This is it. The moment is finally here. My all time favorite band's new album is finally being launched into my ears as a wall of sound.

And I have to say.

It's fucking fantastic.

IT LIVED UP TO THE HYPE. Which is something I've found quite rare in my 12 years of experience. Cause let's face it, I'm basically a 12 year old right?

It makes me feel revitalized. It gives me hope for the future. It makes me reflect on different kinds of things. I spent all afternoon today trying to find a physical copy of the CD. It was advertised in a few music shops that it is coming out today.

 But the places I went to, they just looked at me stupidly and were like "duuuhhhhrrhyyuuucckk, come back on the 25th?" They're heads imploded when I told them it is the 25th. But I didn't care. The disappointment was just so great. A completely wasted afternoon on a wild goose chase. I really wanted to actually pay for something. I thought they, as the artist, would have earned it. But I guess nooooot.

In the end though I just got the digital copy.

Wooooooooooooo hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

This feels good.

I'm smiling.

Anyways, that's just one thing that happened today. And actually quite a bit happened. For instance, I found out a great way to pick up girls from ToK. Well, rather, the girls would pick me up. But it seems fool proof enough. Just need to go to a crowded place, like a disco, and then collapse on the ground. Then, apparently, the girls in vicinity will help stand me up, before shortly asking me to go back to their place.

Sounds good right? And the way I fall over naturally over anything and everything anyway makes it seem even more believable. Perfect. Thanks ToK!

Okay.. Maybe not a lot really happened today... After listening to that Green Day album, all I can think of is how cool it is. So I guess not that much important really occurred. HO WELL!

See you tomorrow. Or not. Who's to say if I can really see anything through these rose tinted eyes.

Shiver

And just like that, the truth finally comes out. After being bottled up for what feels like a really really long time. And now that's it out, all I feel is a shivering inside. But it's weird though. It's not a cold shiver. I don't know how to explain it. But my insides feel like they're swirling back and forth, and then there's a break, and then it starts again.

Gosh darn.

And now I'm just left with my thoughts. My damn thoughts. They can be pretty intrusive sometimes. Creeping up on me when I don't want them. In the middle of a conversation, or when I'm lying in my bed trying to sleep. But maybe this is good. I'm glad it's finally out. It's like I puked out this horrible stick that's been stuck in my throat for about 7 months, muting me.

Maybe now I'll be able to properly talk again.

We'll see I guess.

Wilfred

Resentment is like taking poison and then waiting for the other person to die.

That's a quote i read today, and for some reason it piqued my interest. Hmmm, i wonder why though? Learning is fun. I like having questions answered.

Coin

So I've been thinking of my future lately. And I reckon in university I should major in creating false senses of security. Cause I seem to be pretty good at doing that naturally. Haaaaaaah. Hilarious. Aren't I funny?
Nope, not at all.
What? Why not?
Well first of all I couldn't even tell you were joking.
I wasn't joking.
Then why would you even think it's funny?
I dunno.. The truth can be funny?
Ha. Ha. Indeed. The truth is so very funny. Like your face.
My face? I suppose it can be pretty funny looking sometimes.
Nope, not sometimes. All the times.
Ouch, that kinda stings.
Aw boo hoo.
Why are you being so mean?
I don't really know, to be honest. Maybe I'm just a naturally mean person?
That would explain a lot..
Hey! What is that supposed to mean?
Well, ya know, your short temper and whatever.
I don't have THAT short a temper... Do I?
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, kind of. I mean, sometimes you do.
Sometimes I just have off days. So what? Sue me.
See! Again with the hostility. Jeez man, you needa take a chill pill.
Oh you mean like the ones you take every night before you go to bed?
Yeah, they really help my anxiety. Helps my insomnia too. The world can be pretty overwhelming, ya know? Helps me not think about the next day for a while.
Hah, the next day. Always worried about what tomorrow will bring aren't you?
I wouldn't say I'm worried, really. Just, excited I suppose. In a weird kind of way. Since, there's so many possibilities that could happen.
So then why are you anxious?
Well one of the possibilities could be something bad happens. Or that nothing happens. Then that would be shit. I hate it when nothing happens. Or when it feels like I'm stagnating.
At least you shower regularly...
Yep! Everyday! Also, I cut my hair today. By myself.
What the fuck? Why?
Agghh, my fringe was getting in the way of my eyes.  I hated that. So this bright idea came to my mind: "WHY DON'T YOU JUST CUT IT!?" And so I do! I go get my scissors, and then snip snip. No more fringe.
Wow... What a rebel..
Well I thought it was pretty cool. Who are you anyway?
Eh, I guess I'm you.
So then I'm you too, right?
I suppose so. Makes sense right? What's mine is yours and yours is mine. Two different sides of a coin.
I don't like that analogy. I'm not bi-polar or anything.
Are you sure? You split yourself up right now, didn't you?
So? This is just for fun?
Oh really? So you're having fun right now, are you?
Uh...................... I guess so............
Ugh, you're so indecisive.
No I'm not!
Yeah you are. You're so wishy-washy. It's so stupid. You know what you wanna do and say and how you wanna act, and yet you just DON'T. Why not? Cause you're indecisive. You're worried about what being you might do.
No.. I like being me. It's just. I don't know. Sometimes it just feels like there's a wall in my head. And I can't cross it for the life of me! I hate it to be honest. Absolutely hate it.
Then fucking do something about it and stop whining about it like a little cry-baby.
I try to do something everyday! But it's not a quick-and-easy process. These things take time.
You know that when you move to America you're just gonna reset, right? No friends, no family with you, unfamiliar city. How are you even going to survive out there? Let alone even form a freakin' band from scratch with total strangers.
Well.. you never know. My roomies may be like, the perfect combination of people and they all wanna be in a band too.
Oh really? Wanna know the probability of that? Well I can't give you an exact number, because you suck at math, but you know just as well as I do the chance for that to happen is so remotely slim, you'd have to be the luckiest person on the planet. You feelin' lucky boy? Hah.
Not particularly when I see my Group 4 team. But that was just one instance.
Yup, just one. And you know what they say. If something like that happens once, it can happen again.

...

I don't know what to say! It just feels like there's so many barriers. I finally break through one after a lot of work, work that I enjoy mind you, but then another one just plops itself right in front of the last one. I've moved about 3 inches these past few months.
Well done.. You've managed to encapsulate all your feelings about this into one short paragraph. Are you satisfied now? Can we go home?
Home? No.. We can't yet. It's too early right now.
Uggghh come on! We've been here for ages.
Oh please, it's only been like 10 minutes.
YEAH. AGES.
Wow, you really don't wanna talk to me that much, huh? It's okay, I don't really care. I'm not even hurt. You're just a dick anyway.
Whatever douchebag, at least I know what I want.
No you don't! You know just as much as i do, and that's absolutely nothing!
Don't you think that's a bit of an exaggeration?
Yeah, you're right. I do know stuff. I know I don't know nothing. But sometimes it just feels like that.
I know.. I know.. This is just you over thinking again.
Why do I do that?
Who knows. I sure don't.
Yeah, didn't think you would. But I thought it would be worth a shot.
Nice, there, see, isn't that good? You're trying!
I try all the time.
Really?
Well... I try when I can. It's hard. With the walls and whatever..
It all just sounds like excuses to me.
Yeah it would to anyone else too.
Hhhhhhhhhh, lucky I know you. Come on. Let's go home already.
Fine.. I think I've dwelled on this for too long today anyway.
FINALLY. About time.
Let's go get something to eat. I'm hungry.
Okay, stop talking about it then, and get to it. Make me a sandwich.
Hey, fuck you.

Disconnect-connect-connect-connect-aagghh-disconnect

Yes! That's right! Due to unpopular demand here is another shoddily recorded demo!! And get this, I even played the drums myself this time, instead of making a drum track. So uhh.. that's why the drums sound completely random at times. Because I was basically just jamming, messing around with the different cymbals. That's why there's more fills in this song! But just remember, it's a DEMO. And I had no help. In an ideal world I'd really like to run it with my band, and get their input too, and make it even better! But we'll see about that I guess.

So without further adoo (i know that's wrong) HERE IT IS:

Disconnect

And as an added bonus, because I apparently really don't wanna finish this other English essay I have to do, here are the lyrics!

So much stimuli in this world

It's impossible to experience it all.

So if all is fair in life and death

Then I better keep away from all of it.

There's so much beauty, I've been told;

On this little planet, we call home.

But what about all the eyesores too?

Yeah, I'm better off closing my eyes for good.

Chorus!

Don't mind me just sitting here.

I would rather disappear.

Forget the time that's passing by.

I would, rather close my eyes.

When you're plagued with disaffect,

I'd much rather disconnect....!

ooo-waoo-oo-waoo-oo

oo-waoo-oo-waoo-oo-oo

waoo-oo, waoo-oo

There's so much tension in this place.

And I can feel the signals punchin' my face.

Radio static, coming in clear.

Yeah, it's, it's force fed, right into my ear.

When your cell phone's smarter than you

Where is the point in learning something new?

What's the latest trendy perfume flair?

Oh, I heard it's apathy, wafting in the air.

Then, ya know, some more chorus' or whatever.

Tadaaah, the end. In case you couldn't tell, because even I have a hard time telling sometimes, I'm being sarcastic in this song. I don't really wanna disconnect from people. It just feels like sometimes it's all I can do.

Door Smasher

Ooooww.. I just walked into my bathroom door. And not when it was closed either. When it was pretty much all the way opened. Managed to scrape the top of my foot off cause the bottom of the door is elevated the side of the bathroom. I also banged my shoulder..

Who does that? Walk into an open door? Me apparently. If you know me i guess this clumsiness wouldn't really seem like much of a surprise. But for me, whenever i do something stupid like that, or say, miss my mouth when i try and put a spoon full of soup in it, i am really genuinely surprised everytime something like that happens. I wonder why?

Maybe my head is just never where it should be. A case of wrong time wrong place, except mental. Sometimes i just get in the habit of thinking about some things so much that i just go into autopilot. So my body just moves around where it needs to but then my mind can wander as much as it wants. Hahaha I'll probably end up getting run over by a car or something.

Naah, i promise to be careful on the street.

I may be clumsy, but Im not stupid. Really. Even when it seems i do completely stupid things, i swear Im not doing them on purpose. But then again.. Who is stupid on purpose? Would someone who is stupid know it if no one tells them?

Hmm.. Probably not i guess. So maybe i am stupid, just no one's had the guts to tell me.


It's okay, you'd only hurt my feelings a little bit.

Haah.

Oh, but then that gets me thinking. What constitutes as stupid? Who decides what is and isn't? Im not really sure.. Maybe it depends on some kind of unanimous decision derived sub-consciously in our society?

Ahh so many questions, so few answers. And there are still many more questions I'd like to ask.

But they can wait i guess.

Fuckin' A

Here's a nice picture i took while doing my English essay the other day. Pretty artsy huh? I was just about to play a game of naughts and crosses with myself on that massive hash thingy on my hand. But then better things arose than drawing on myself. Ahhh good times, good times.

Mind Refraction

It's 7:11. And although I have tried so very hard to start my English Essay all week, it's already due tomorrow. Who would have guessed staring at a blank page would be so counter productive?

Me! But that's unfair. I'm only speaking from experience.

I hope this doesn't sound like I'm complaining. Because I'm not, really. I know it's all my fault I haven't gotten around to doing it yet. But that's just what I do. Build things up and then let them slip away. Tension, excitement, suspense, hopes, whatever. Think it just took this essay for me to fully realise that. I don't mean to, but that's just how things turn out.

Positive = Negative.

 Although in this case it seems more like Positive --> Negative. But, with bad comes good, right? Meh, who knows. This universe is random anyway. This is just my coping mechanism cause I don't understand a thing about life.

Well, time to get to work I guess. Maybe this one won't somehow slip away.

Keats Would Be Proud

What could I possibly hate more?

A question which poses itself;

That I drew on my bedroom wall.

With the matter of oneself,

Whom had suffered a great fall

from the top of my mantel shelf.

O, no, the fire was still left on and burning bright.

O, dear, such a pity for the fire to engulf you tonight.

What is life and are we really living

the way we think we aught to?

Often on nights such as this, quivering,

I ask myself, 'till my brain is stew.

But philosophy is for those who don't mind giving

A fuck or two, so I must say screw

It all, because to be honest it's all a cyclical argument.

Or a catch-22 or whatever you wish to call it.

But time is wasting too much I'd say.

So what's up with all the rhetoric?

Perchance this is the time for an essay.

But then again I'd much rather frolic

in a pile of wet, sticky, chocolate soufflé.

But hey, on the bright side, I'm not an alcoholic.

But even if I was, I don't think anything could be as bad

As the procrastination, that's taken firm hold of my gonad(s).

-0

So me and Janet have just discovered that no one has ever wrote anything called -0 (negative zero) before. UNTIL TODAY. WOOHOOHOOHOO! 

Uh, I feel like I should say something really impressive for this momentous occasion. But to be honest, my mind is complete mush from the two music essays I've just done.

So..... 

Just think about a world where -0 exists. What would it be like? Well I guess we'll finally know the answer.

As soon as I press "Publish".

Red red red

Hah.

So I just re-listened to this song I made in December while I was staying with Joe. It was based off words we said on Skype. Something about rainbows in your eyes and feeling red? Oh! And also this part where we harmonized saying "la". Joe just kept going lalalalalalalalalalalala, and I went laaalaalalaaa, like that. Can you hear it in your head now? Yeeeaah, it was pretty cool. Plus, it's only about 30 seconds long, so it didn't distract me too much from my EE. But then again, now I'm here writing this post. Because. Well. I can. And I feel like I've neglected you for quite a while. By you just then I meant my blog. So I guess the only way to make it up to you (my blog) is by posting useless drivel on it. I think this is a good start.

 THIRD SEPTEMBER POST AAWWW YEEAAAH.

Oh yeah, and here's a picture of an ostrich that I took in Orlando.

Shabam!

Eloping Elephants

So I'm doing my EE now. Turns out I've only done about 518 words so far. I could have sworn I've written at least 600!

Oh well I guess. Time to become a recluse for the day.

BUT GOD DAMN!
IT'S JUST SO HARD TO KEEP STILL FOR THAT LONG.

To be honest I don't really think I can take it. I mean, sitting down long enough to write 3000-4000 words. I don't know how anyone can really. How do you do it? Please, tell me.

Anyone have any tips on how to keep your mind set in stone about something? I mean jeez, writing this post is evidence enough that I'm already distracted.

And now I'm just stalling more, cause I know that once I push "Publish", I'm gonna have to continue working. On the bright side, at least I finished my Spanish Presentation yesterday. Didn't quite get to work on my English essay though.. Well I'll have plenty of time tomorrow to do that I guess. Since my EE is due, drumroll please, *tktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktk ktsch* TOOOMOOORRROOOOOWWWWW. And I sure as hell don't wanna ask for an extension. Because in the end i'll just stall that too until the last day, wouldn't I? Yep, I would.

Okay, enough fucking around.

Wish me luck....

A picture.

Here's a picture of a funny sign I took in some subway in New York:

hahahahahaha, see? Isn't it funny?

Well there you go. I hope you're satisfied. A picture. I know I don't normally put pictures up here, so this is a nice change of pace. Psshh, what's next? Discuss boring politics? 

Naah, I don't have time for that. Who does though, really. Politicians I guess. 

Heh, I find it funny, looking back on the time when I made this blog, and comparing it to now. I made it cause I felt kinda friendless at the time, what with Joe leaving and all. But now I'm, dare I say it, happy. 

It's nice. To know people. To get to know people. To learn about people. To find out new things about people. But not just any people, nice people. 

Oh yeah, I also cried a little in maths today. Not because I'm some sensitive cry-baby or anything.. But like, I felt for the first time in a long time, that I understood what was going on. Not in just that math class (although I finally did understand differentiation) but in life.

Positive = negative. That's what I figured out. A seemingly positive number can be transformed into a negative one so easily, and vice versa. Good = bad, bad = good. Shitty = not-so-shitty. What comes around goes around basically. It was just nice to see that in number form today, as opposed to words, since you always see stuff like this in words.

Such a beautiful equation.