Flood

Hah.

So this is just one of those nights where the floodgates have opened in my head, and it seems Im just incapable of sleeping.

Fine, fine.

I accept.

Feelings

I've been thinking a lot lately, about feelings. About, how I feel. About, how she feels. About, how everyone else must feel too. And, I've come to the conclusion, that lot's of people, feel different things.

No shit, right? But, I think, I've also come to terms, with feeling like it's okay to feel certain ways. Which is why, I think it's just really necessary, to let you all know, how I feel, because, I have definitely accepted it now, for what it truly is.

Pure.

Complete.

Utter.

HATRED.

I FUCKING HATE YOU.
EVERYTHING YOU ARE
AND EVERYTHING THAT YOU STAND FOR.
IF I COULD HATE ONE PERSON, WHICH I REALLY ONLY DO, IT WOULD BE YOU.
THAT'S RIGHT, I HATE YOU. TOTALLY, 100% FEEL LIKE YOU ARE THE ONE THAT I HATE THE MOST OUT OF THE ENTIRE WORLD. SCREW EVERYONE ELSE. ACTUALLY, NO, SCREW YOU! YOU FUCKFACE! HAAAH.

Ahhhh.. That feels.. So much better. Am I over reacting? Nah, you deserve it. Oh, by "you", I probably don't mean "you", reading this, right now. Because, as far as I'm aware, the person who I hate, does not know about this. Which kind of defeats the whole purpose of this post. But screw it! Sometimes, I feel angry and frustrated, and I like to write it down on an internet format for WHOEVER THE FUCK WANTS TO SEE IT. Why? Cause I'm an attention seeking little brat of course.

Hahah only joking.

About the last part I mean. There is no self deprecation here. No way. Just deprecation on this one guy. One steaming pile of deprecation. Although none of it could really equal the sheer amounts of shit this guy spews on a daily basis.

Haaaaaahhahahah. Okay, I'm done now. Also, I finished a song about it too. Is it bad, is it good, who knows, all I can see is red. But that just might be from the red lines under all my laughing.

HFB V.2

Oh yeah this has been eating up at me for a while. I got a revised version of Happy fuckin' Birthday. I think it's a lot better cause the vocals aren't all echo-y. The other version (that you've probably never heard anyway) has been deleted, and this new one is up now.

So yeah! Here's the link:

Link to Happy Fuckin' Birthday

Personally this is one of my favourite songs that I've ever done. Rudy seems to think it lacks structure. But I swear! It totally doesn't! Just listen to it and tell me what ya think.

As always, comments, critiques, trolls and ice cream, all is welcome.

Grinder

So here we go, back to the old grind. School is tomorrow. The half term went by in the blink of an eye. And now the week of HELL is fast approaching.

But ya know, maybe it won't really be so bad? There's only one way to find out, and that's to just do it. I fucked around a lot during the half term, so I didn't exactly do as much work as I really should have. Fine! That's alright. That was my choice and I'll deal with any consequences when they arise.

Overall I think this half term break went pretty great though. Perhaps even really great! Yeeeaaah. It just felt good I think to break away from the usual cycle of a school time table I think. Not to mention there was lots of talking to. Plenty of laughs. Bein' responsible as well. And it really made me realise that there is DEFINITELY more to life than school. It's just.. During school time, that feeling kind of disappears. But I've just gotta remember, that no matter what it'll always work out one way or another.

Hahahahahah. God. That is so optimistic. What's wrong with me? How can I possibly be happy!? I've got a Math IA draft due tomorrow, CAS stuff that I really need to sort out, ToK topic that I still need to find, 120 words Spanish essay about healthy eating (woopsies, forgot about that one), and, oh, yeah, THE ENGLISH IOC EXACTLY A WEEK FROM NOW.

It's all cool though. I feel totally calm. In a raging sea kind of way. My insides are kind of swirling around as I type this, but then at the same time, my head feels totally calm. Hahah conflicting sides. Normally my head is the one that's worried, not my stomach. Hmm, maybe that's just indigestion. Regardless! Whatever happens happens. So, uh, yeah. Let's make it happen then!

On a side note, I also recorded another song today. I won't put it up yet, because it's actually part of a two-parter. This one that I finished today is called Spineless. But I'll talk about it later once I finished recording the other side to it, which is called Fuck You. Hahaha. I just made up that title. Although I suppose it does kind of fit the essence of that song. It was originally called "We're Through", but, hey, I think "Fuck You" has a nicer ring to it. Great! Thanks blog! You always help me!

BRAIN TRANSPLANT 2

HERE IT IS! MY DEMO OF BRAIN TRANSPLANT! NON-ACOUSTIC!

I have to add that this is the most time I've ever taken at making a drum track. So, ya know, try and appreciate that. To be perfectly honest I'm very happy with how this demo turned out. I only wish I could add a bass. That's the only thing it's lacking ; a backbone. But for now, it is what it is, and I like it.

Maybe you'll like it too. Here it is:

Brain Transplant Download

Thoughts, praise, criticism, pizza, all is appreciated.

Pinkerton

Ahh Pinkerton. I forgot why you're my favourite album of all time. Luckily I'm listening to you now I'm reminded of how fucking awesome you are. I think it's the fact it's so raw. Like, I know it is obviously produced, but done in a way that makes it sound like everything was done in the moment, in one take. Like it's a perfect snapshot of the energy at the time. I hope to one day produce an album with that kind of rawness.

I woke up to "Why Bother" today, and I think that's what subliminally got me interested in you again. You're so cool. How can one thing possibly hold so much awesome? And it's like every time I see you, I find more things that make you awesome. So it's just constantly building up. But then it gets to the point where my list of adjectives is not able to do justice to the sheer amazingness of you.

Ooh, "The Good Life" is on now. Me and this songs have some good memories. That's the first song I played with Joo and Hayley. The precursor to Half an Hour Late. Granted it was only for a grade, but it was fun. And the words ring pretty true too. It makes me kinda regretful that we aren't playing it any more and it's not even in our repertoire. But that's what happens I guess. Wouldn't mind playing it again though once I get outta here. I mean, I wouldn't mind playing it while I'm still here.

ELLLLLL SCCOOOOCHHOOOOO!!!! This has to be my favourite song out of the whole album. Something about it. I've been told it's boring though. hee hee. I don't mind. I'd rather be boring and like this song than interesting.

It's true. I'm dumb, she's a lesbian! I thought I had found the one! We were good as married in my mind! But married in my mind's no good... Greeaat chorus. I feel bad for Rivers though. If this really did happen to him like he says it did. Shit. Let me know the truth. Please.

I wonder what it's like to play a cello? I bet it's really difficult. OH BABY I'M AFRAID I'M FALLING FOR YOU. Wooooaah, where'd that come from? The song Falling For You obviously. Duuuh. I'm sorry for what I did. I did what my body told me to.

Hhhh, you know what I hate the most though? It's only 10 songs long. Just as it begins, it's over. I wanna get to know you more, but there's just no time it seems. But we can make time. I can make time. That's why there's an extra 10 tracks or so with demos and radio versions of the singles. I don't think time is really an issue here. But then what is it? Maybe it's cause half the songs are repeats. Sure they're "live" or "radio-remixes" but they're still essentially the same. But you know what? I think a healthy relationship has repeats in it. Repetition means you're just knowing each other better and better.

Wow, it's like I'm not even talking about Pinkerton any more.

But I am!

Long Road

Hey, so guess what? This is my 80th post. Not a bad number I think.

I'm gonna try and get to 100 posts by the end of the year. Looking at my track record, that seems preeetty likely. Unless NOTHING interesting happens from now until 2013. But I doubt that! Stuff happens all the time around here. So much stuff.

I've been getting headaches lately, pretty much on a nightly basis. The interesting part, I think anyway, is that the pain is always on different parts of my head. Like, last night, it was at the back, on my left side. So that would be around my temporal lobe I suppose? Which doesn't make a lot of sense, because that's where language is processed, but hey, who knows. Maybe it's cause I was trying to think in spanish? Right now I'm feeling it in the front right half. So that's around the frontal lobe I think. That's in charge of planning, so I guess that makes some sense, since I'm kind of worried about tomorrow, and I've been trying to plan what's gonna happen.

Yeah, tomorrow I'll be working with some kids who are vision impaired. I'm looking forward to it cause I get to teach them music, and I think it'll be really fun. But.. I dunno, I think it's just the thought of having to work with people. And people are so unpredictable. Especially ones that I've never met before. So, it's hard for me to wrap my head around what to expect, how it'll go, stuff like that. I probably shouldn't be anxious about it, but I am. But that's okay, just gonna take it all in my stride. One step at a time.

Speaking of steps, that leads onto the title. Long Road. It's been a pretty long road I think. What has you ask? Well, just the past year and a half I suppose. From the start of IB till now. A lot has happened. A lot more good than bad, which is great. But yeah. When I try and think back to the very beginning, I actually find it kinda hard. It feels so far back, it's like, if I were to literally look back down the road, I'd be able to see a vague outline of what happened, but the specific details (not all though), are pretty much faded. Hidden behind the smog. It makes me wonder if I've really learnt anything, or if I've just gone with the flow so much that I've let it drift me away to places I didn't even realise.

Either way though, it doesn't really matter. It's half term now, and that's what I can be happy about. Woohoo! I know there's a lot of people who were pretty reluctant about this, since it's not technically a *holiday* cause we've got so much work to prepare for, that's so important. But still! At least we're not in school. I'm thankful there's a week away from it. I just realised I'm almost up to my 5th year here. That's a pretty long time. Is that why I'm going slightly stir crazy? Perhaps. Peeeerhhaaaaapppssss.

Sleeeeeppyy. You're getting moooooore and moooooore sleeeeppy. Not cause this is really boring. But because you are being hypnotized. HaHA! Only kidding. You're not being hypnotized. Yet. Once I sort out the kinks, I think hypnotism could be really fun. If it even works. Still need to find a test subject who actually WANTS to be hypnotized. Ooooone daaay, ooooone daaaay.

Speaking of one day. This particular day, was a lot of fun. I enjoyed it. It was enjoyable. I think I'm getting pretty good at talking. If I do say so myself. Which I do. Heeeh.

Now then, time to eat some oreos. Sweet, sweet, delectable oroes. Oh how you complete me.

loljk.

UGH! That's another thing! I've gotten into the horrible habit of writing "lol". I mean, I really do only type it when I'm laughing out loud, but still. I used to hate it! In my old blog, I made a whole rant about it! Whatever happened to standards? They're all but disintegrated now. Ahhhhh weeeell. lol.

Seething

I would rather gauge me eyes out with a rusty nail, then look at your face.

I would find the longest branch I could, and shove it so far through my ears that it bursts the cochlea on both sides, putting me into an eternal vertigo, rather than listen to your shit.

I would give cocaine to an elephant, stand under it, and be crushed while it has seizure, instead of being subjected to one more painful encounter with you.

If words could break my bones, I would say every single word ever created, and hospitalize myself, so that I don't have to go through the torture of seeing you on a day-to-day basis.

I would find shark skin, and use it as sandpaper, to rub clean off my entire face, than give myself the possibility of accidentally running into you one day.

I would turn my scrotum into a noose, and hang myself from my balcony, instead of smelling your repugnant bigotry every time I'm near you.

I would cut my jugular with a blunt axe, collect the blood pouring out of me into a jug the shape of an ice pick, freeze the blood in the jug, smash the jug over my legs to free the solidified blood-pick, and proceed to smash my own skull in with the ice pick made of blood, instead of being sonically raped one more time by the shit that comes out of your mouth.

Coconut

Well, there ya go. You're just about as good as dead now. I'll never see you ever again. I thought I wouldn't actually be sad. But I guess I kind of am. I really thought I wouldn't feel anything at all to be honest. But.. It does make me feel something. Kinda like that sinking feeling you get in your stomach sometimes.

Okay, it was a bit harsh to say "you're just about as good as dead", because I know you'll probably be a lot happier where you're gonna be now. Hopefully. I'm sure we didn't just send you away to be eaten alive by some sickos or whatever. Or skinned and turned into a cat-suit. But that probably wouldn't happen. Surely.

I've known you for 7 years. that's 41% of my life! And now I'll never see you again. You won't be there to piss in the middle of the hallway. You won't spread your horrible, stench-filled pheromone all over me. You won't shit on the floor outside my room. You won't rub your head up against my leg when I come home from school. You won't jump up on the bed with me when I'm feeling a little lonely. You won't start nuzzling into me, or go all floppy when I pick you up. And the worst part is, you probably won't even remember me. But that's okay. You're a cat. I'm not too familiar with the memory system of a cat, but it's probably not too impressive. After a few months without any sign, scent, or sound from me, I'll be clear out your memory, and be replaced by someone else.

I accept that fact.

But it still makes me feel pretty sad.

Buried Treasure

I just found some lyrics I wrote about 9 months ago or something.

JACKPOOOOOT.

I didn't know how good I was.

Well, I did. But I didn't know that I was that good even then. I love it when I leave little bits of treasure for me to find several months later after I've forgotten about them. It's pretty cool, cause then I can see it all through a new perspective. I turned this super depressing song that I wrote, into a bitingly sarcastic one, now that I've progressed in my life from that moment.

Forget that other song I was gonna put up next.

This one is gonna come up. I was thinking of making it a slow tempo one. The slowest song I've ever done. But I dunno, we'll see how it pans out.

It's also come to my attention that I've never actually posted a love song, or something along the lines of a song that portrays some kind of deep feeling for something. I mean.. I have written a few. But I don't think they're ready yet. Nah. Not yet. They don't feel genuine enough I think. Well, they were genuine. And are. But... It just feels like something is missing. And it's not a cheezy synth-organ.

Okay then. Hope tomorrow will be good.

SEE YA.

Paragraph

So I've got this ulcer right now inside my mouth, at the part where the lip is attached to the gum. It hurts quite a bit, cause, ya know, it's the attached part. So whenever I move my lips, the ulcer gets stretched. Doesn't really hurt I'm eating though. Except for bananas, which for some reason really hurt. I've been eating 2 bananas a day recently, cause I think my potassium levels have been pretty low. Always get cramps when I'm running. But I haven't been able to run at the beginning of this week. Cause I had some pretty bad sunburn on my leg. Did I talk about that already? I can't even remember. But I couldn't go to school on Monday nonetheless because I wasn't able to wear pants. Unfortunately that meant I missed out on a roller-coaster at school. You'd think I'd be over roller-coasters by now, after Orlando and all, but nope. It's really fun. To fall. That feeling you get, right at the peak of a drop, and then. Down you go. It's pretty nice. i swear I looked at my clock on the computer 10 minutes ago and it said it was 12:49 AM. But it says it's 12:49 AM now. Well. 12:50 AM now, but who's counting? Me apparently. That's what you get for taking maths. You become aware of numbers. The universe works on a math equation that never even ever really is in the end. Does that make sense to you? Because to me, it makes perfect sense. Crystal clear clarity. Like the finest concentration of methemphetamine. Not that I would actually know what that's like though. I wonder if Keats ever partook in such earthly process as taking drugs. I can imagine him sitting in his room, with nothing but his notebook where he writes all his poetry, and a joint. Kinda sounds like me, minus the joint. Speaking of poetry, I could have sworn I was inspired some-what the other day to write lyrics. But it was all to no avail. Maybe tomorrow something'll hit me. Like a bus. Or a car. Or a cat. I'd rather it hit me, than piss on me. I think I've finally gotten rid of my natural pheromone that attracts my cat's to pee on me. That was annoying. Speaking of annoying, this format I've written this post is exceptionally annoying. Jumping from idea to idea, with no paragraphs anywhere to be seen. There's no splitting of ideas. Technically this all constitutes as one flow of the mind. One, flow, seeping up and down through my veins. Temptation flows in my veins. Does it flow in your veins too? Probably. We're all tempted to do something every now and then. Be it something stupid, spiteful, nice, mean, hatred-fuel, et al. But in the end. No matter how much temptation I've got, it's just not enough to breeeaaak through some walls. Some very big, tall, jail cell looking walls, with barbed wire and electricity coursing through them. Too high to jump. I could try digging under it, but there's an underground river with crocodiles in it. Crocodile tears. What an interesting phrase. Is it because crocodiles can keep their eyes open for a long time and not blink or cry? I dunno. And quite frankly, I couldn't (almost wrote could) care less about some English saying. I couldn't care less about English too. What a silly language. All languages are silly. So many exceptions. They're all filled with them. If we didn't have language, would we be able to comprehend our complex thoughts? I argued "no" for my ToK essay once. But I argue "no" for a lot of things too. Too many things. Like what? I can't remember. Actually, no, that's not true. I argue "for" quite many things. Liek the freedom to choose. I believe every human being has the right to choose what they wanna do to their own body. Apparently, that's a stupid thing to believe. But, what can I say? Fuck you? No, not you. You didn't do anything. Did you? Not that I know of. Maybe you have, and I'm just ignorant. Can't really say blissful, but I suppose I am somewhat naive. So that can be nice sometimes. But then sometimes I make it seem like I know less, when really, I get the whole picture. Or do I? I can't even remember. I'm pretty tired now, so that's why my memory is being all faulty. Faulty, faulty, faulty. To bad I threw away the warranty card for my mind. They said it last for 18 years. So I've got one more year to redeem and refine. But who would wanna get a brain transplant? Not me. That's for sure. HAH. HAHAH. Why am I laughing? That will be the twist ending to this thought. I don't even knoooooow. That's a cop out answer though. Of course I know. Why wouldn't I know? It's like saying I don't have complete control of my body. But that would be siiiillyyyy. I know what I want. It's just a matter of communication, timing, and a third thing too I guess. Cause the rule of thirds says so. And for some reason, the number 3 just happens to be very persuasive. Why? Why? Why? Who knows. Third time's the charm, or so the old saying goes. Great, my head exploded now from all this continuous continuous continuous thinking. Good night.

Waiting

Yes. Yesss. Yeeeesssssssssssssssss. Yeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.............Could it be?

Yes, I think so. I have become inspired. All of the stars in my mind have finally aligned. I feel it. Something. This is good. Very good. Expect something. Expect something good. Expect something nice. Expect something worth your time. Because time is precious after all. Mmmmm. Yes. Time is definitely of the essence. Essence. Essence. the essence of time is the way you spend it. How do you spend time? With your own two hands of course. How much is spent? Depends on what you're buying. Is it expensive? That also depends on what you're making time for. Making time. Lot's of people make time. Lot's of people make it just in time. Right before the door closes. Why? I dunno, they're just lucky like that. Time was in their favour. Is time in my favour? Only time will tell. Let's hope it won't be a total jerk-dick-dirty-filthy-rotten-motherlicking-fuckface-bastard-bitch.  HAHAHA. Of course not. Time is nice.