Love?

Yeah, I should be sleeping right now. But I'm thinking too much for that.

Sometimes, for some reason, it's hard to just not get consumed by it all. All of the disdain, the cynicism, the total hatred that I've come to find easy to accept. Easy to accept, but also to hide. It's a terrible habit I suppose, but it's a lot easier pretending than facing the ugly truth.

I think it might stem from having a hard time admitting I love things. I'm not sure why, but it's always, for as long as I can remember been difficult to simply say I love something or someone. Even to say it to my own family (who I do love by the way...) is hard. I suppose it's easier with inanimate objects. But animate ones.. That's a different story. Maybe I'm scared to openly commit to something like feelings first? That's probably pretty natural.

From what I've come to understand about myself, is that I'm a guy that thinks in absolutes: Success or failure; love or hate; right or wrong. You get the picture. And while I do definitely understand the idea of "middle grounds" and "grey areas", it just seems easier to be able to sort things into two categories. Rather than a billion. I can comprehend things a lot better when they can be counted on my fingers.. But now that I'm thinking, there are definitely things that I don't really mind as well. Not hate or love. Just ambivalent. So I guess that's three categories then. Hey, at least it's all still on one hand.

So why is it so damn hard to admit love? Even typing it I'm kind of screwing up my face a little, like I accidentally wrote a rude word that I hope no one sees. It's probably multiple reasons. I'm not going to list them out because I don't think it's necessary. Although my normal course of action is to identify problems and then blast them out of existence once I've got them under a microscope, I don't think that method would really work. But then I don't know what would. "You can't spend your life waiting for someone or something else. The potential for action is in your hands and your hands only. If you can't trust yourself to do something, you'll never truly be able to trust anyone to do anything." I don't know who said that, if anyone, but I put it in quotation marks anyway, because it sounds like something long winded some old philosopher or crazy guy would say.

I just needed to write all of this down. One day I'll be old, and I can look back on stupid ramblings like this and laugh to myself: "So this is what I wasted my time thinking about when I was a teenager!" Hah. I can totally imagine myself saying that.