Okay

Ahh, The Cure. I really haven't given them enough listening time I think. That is, until now.

I'm listening to their fourth album. It's called Pornography! It's pretty good. I really like Pornography. When it was released, people said that Pornography was too dark and gothic, hard to digest. But, I think that's what makes Pornography interesting. It's not afraid to wail, or say "I will never be clean again", and sound like it means it. That's what I like. Also the drums are particularly heavy in this. Not fast or anything, just pounding. So, in conclusion, Pornography is good.

My friend is gone now, and he left his potato here too. It's growing horrible tumour-like growths on it, and it has this kind of crooked smile on it, with perpetually raised eyebrows. As if it feeds off it's own curiosity. We threw it around a bit too, so it's become all scratched and misshapen too. So it's just sitting there on my desk, looking out at the distance, almost longingly. Like it can see through the window, see the eagles flying, see the people like ants below, and it just wants to join them. Or crush and destroy them all, which, to be honest, would be more likely from such a demonic looking spud.

Ahh, that's some good water I just drunk.

My nose has been so dang runny lately. Like a marathon runner. And every time I blow, it's like it's doing a sprint section. My Nose's cardiovascular fitness must be insane by now. Ever since the holidays began it's been like this. That's a whole week from today, pretty much! Although, I think tomorrow, it'll finally take a rest. About damn time. Just like every other part of me, it'll soon be infected with the apathetic laziness I've grown so accustomed too.

To be perfectly frank, Mr. Shank, I've been having a really hard time actually writing on this thing. I've done so many different drafts of all my posts. But. Whatever I talked about just seemed really trivial, like, who the hell would care? But then realising that kind of helped this wake up I had. I shouldn't care if what I'm writing is trivial or not. It doesn't matter if people like it or not, as long as it's something I want to mention. Cause after all, is this not what blogger is forrrr? And I also have to thank A friend named Jimmy, for some kind of weird shout out he did on my blog. So, I guess I'll return the favour. By doing the exact same thing for him! So, go on everyone, check out his relatively decent (okay, it's pretty fucking good) blog: Here

Okay, that's all for now folks. 

Catch you on the flip side. 

Rotated again by 63 degrees.

And then lightly broiled to perfection.

Once there is a crispy outside, you'll know it's ready.

If the skin turns into a scab, it's been too long. 

Serve with Chamomile tea and a good book.

Groper

All day my head has been completely congested. I want to slip off my nose and feed it to a wild dog, and then wait for it to shit it out before putting it back on. That'd be good, 'cause having no nose would be better than this feeling right now. Not even sure what it's from. Probably an allergic reaction to my friend who's staying over for a week!

Naaah.

I think it might have finally sunk in now that I'm on holidays. For the past few days, I haven't really felt the relief of having the pressure of turning up at school every day leaving. Like in the back of my mind I'm still thinking about whether or not I have homework I should be doing that's due Monday. But that'll pass. Probably around the time we start back in school. Mocks!

Oh, good news. My hair is now long enough to successfully head-bang again. Actually, I don't know if that can really be considered good, seeing as that means pretty soon my hair will get to that annoyingly long stage. That's when I'll cut it. And it will be no more. Only a few more months till I get a green Mohawk.

Around this time I always make promises to myself, like: "Oh yeah! I'm gonna finish a whole album before the new year!" Or something else along those lines. But, I'm not going to do that this time. Because, it's almost as if I'm setting myself up for failure. Sure, It's great to have goals and work towards them. But I think my head is sometimes a bit in the clouds, so I build up the thoughts of "yeah, this'll be great", but then I don't realise time passing. I swear sometimes it moves so slow, I can see it slip through my fingers. But then other times it's so fast, I forget what day it is. I think this kind of mind-frame I've been in might be the source of my obliviousness at times. I'm so caught up in trying to think about how nice things will be, that I don't realise the things going on right now around me.

My friend likes to grope me.

Clutter

So it's kind of got to the point where I've been holding off saying much about anything, because I can't tell whether or not it's worth saying or not, and it's all just built up. Kind of like a hoarder, except the hoard is in my head. But I guess the whole junk part is still applicable.

Well then, on Saturday night, after coming home from dropping off a particularly awesome person, I went into my room, and lo and behold, look at what was in the middle of my room. Some fucking cat piss. All over some music notes that I did in class. By by yellow river second movement notes, you will be sorely missed... Especially when I'll be needing you for revision.
Thankfully that was about it. It didn't get on any of my actual books, so that's something.
But the only question left now is... Which cat did it? Gaaaaaahhhh. Yeah.

THE SOUL, THE HEART AND THE MIND. That's what this post should be about. Apparently. Why? Why not, right?

Let's see, okay. Let's take this as literally as possible.

The Soul: Well, I'm still not convinced if there really is one, or if it's just an aspect of our brain, or if it really matters if we have one or not. So that hasn't really changed I suppose since this time last year, when I wrote my post on souls.

The Heart: Right now my chesty area feels kinda warm. But that's cause I think I'm having a little heart burn. Cause I got a buurrnniing heeeaaarrt. Nah, actually, biologically speaking, heartburn isn't even from the heart. It's stomach acid stuck up above my stomach because of the sphincter between my oesophagus and stomach. And that just happens to be around my heart. So, if I were to judge my actual heart condition, then it seems to be pretty fine right now. When I was about 13, I made a bet with my old friend from Australia that if I don't have a heart attack by the time I turn 18, I get 200 bucks. Seems like I'm pretty close now to winning! Wow... I never realised how long ago that was.. Damn.

The Mind: Ohhhh, my mind. My mind, my mind, my mind. Where is my mind? In my head, duh. But no, that's really just my brain. My mind, is something completely different. It's in the clouds probably. But that's too cliché for me. Yeah, my mind's probably in the ocean. Deep sea diving. Kinda just soaking up and absorbing everything around. Trying not to drown. But then I'm kind of already in deep water now, aren't I!? (Metaphorical water anyway.) So THAT'S kind of out of the question. But yeah, no, in all seriousness, I think my mind is going pretty good lately. Rarely straying into some dark corner to go mope around a bit like it did a lot this past year. I think learning about negative thought distortions helped though. Cause I'm able to call myself out on my crap talk that I do to myself. It's not like I mean to do it though, it's really hard to explain. I used to just be really hard on myself, in my head. And I don't think I realized it. So then I kinda spiralled. Wee. Like the spiralling feeling I get sometimes before I go to bed. Turns out that's cause of anxiety. Who would have thought, huh? But! I haven't been spiralling all that too often nowadays. So maybe. Just maybe. Things'll just keep being on the rise.

Here's hoping.

truth

I can be myself now finally. In fact there's nothing I can't be.

After School

The bus passed him when he was on the wrong side of the road, despite his best efforts. "Oh shit" would have been his go-to phrase, but this happened so many times before, it didn't really come off as a surprise. He slowly started walking the opposite way from the bus stop, staring at the ground. The old cracked and faded surface pitifully trying to let off a little heat it's absorbed through the day, but the black tar was now only a grey crag. As he looked up, a motorbike who was obviously going too fast and too close to the side walk brushed against his arm. The driver of the bike turned to look back at him  as he sped past and put up two fingers, as if to say "peace". Except his hand was the wrong way around. It was at that moment that the driver ran into the front of a lorry waiting at the traffic light, at the bottom of the hill which led up to school. The lorry contained 4 cylinders, each of which filled with gasoline. At first the boy thought some massive, perhaps even "epic" (he hates that word) explosion would happen. But no.

No, that took about 7 seconds after the initial impact. It probably wouldn't have been so bad, but the motor biker was smoking too. What an idiot. The blast radius was large enough to hit him, and he fell down an open drain, rushing with dirty water and red curry. This helped extinguish the flames that were burning him, leaving him relatively unscathed. The same, unfortunately, could not be said for the biker. What a shame.

As the fire ensued, he was pulled by the current of the disgusting drain liquid and poured out into the sea across the street. At least he was on the right side of the road now. His hair smelt like school lunch and his left hand was a charcoal black. He always did find it hard to tan, but this seems to have been an exception. The crusty skin crackled as he stretched his fingers, which surprisingly didn't hurt. Odd. Instead there was a funny kind of tingling where is fingernails used to be. One could liken it to the feeling of sticking your fingers into a jam jar filled with bees and jam.

He brushed himself off after getting out of the jellyfish infested ocean, and decided to walk out through the main hotel lobby which the beach front belonged too. No one seemed to really notice the boy with the permanently shadow-cast left arm and only half a face. Oh yeah, he only has half a face. Probably should have mentioned that. When he got out, he noticed the next bus was just around the corner. He casually walked up to the bus stop down the street, placed out his thumb, and hopped aboard. Whereupon he wasn't even charged a dime.

What a convenient stroke of luck.

Accomplished.

This is it. I did it. My biggest accomplishment to date.

Finished my ToK preparation? No.

Finished that English essay? Nah.

Finished one of the many songs I have on the go right now? Nope.

Finished my uni applications and got accepted anywhere? Not even close!

No, this is by far greater than all of these things.

I, ladies and gentleman, have reached top comment status on YouTube. That's right. 47 likes in a day. And I'm still on top. Awwwwww yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaah. Ain't nothin' that can stop me now. I feel invincible. Untouchable. Unintelligjhgajfhlklable.

And it feels great.

Oh yeah by the way this is sorta kinda definitely my 100th post too, so yeah, ya know, woo, no big deal though. Let's be modest about this, shall we?

Here(no-space)We(no-space)Go

Okayherewegooffintothewildgreenyonder,andbythatIobviouslymeantheshowwe'reabouttoplayatstraitsquay.It'sgonnabeprettysweetIguess,sinceIsawthemsetupthestagelastnight.Exceptmyvoiceiskindafeelingalittlescrewedrightnow,soIjusthopenothingbadhappens.NotthatitwouldreallymakeadifferenceanywaythoughIdon'tthink.SincehalfthetimeI'maliiiittleoffkeyanyway.PlusIdon'tthinkanyonesuperimportantiscomingtowatchthiseither,soit'sallforshitsandgiggles.Wow,I'veneversaid"shitsandgiggles"before,andtobehonestIwasn'texactlythrilledbyit.Ahwell.I'mhomealonerightnow,physicallyandemotionally,huuhuuuhuuu,sohopefullyI'llbeabletoconveythatkindofemotiononstagetonight.Imeanit'sonlyatenminuteslot,andwe'reonlyreallyplayingonesong,butmeh!It'sgiveitallornothinginthesekindofthingsalwaysforme,andInevergivenothing.I'mexcitedforthis.Aretherestofmybandmates,Idunno.Ihopeso,causewe'reaaaaaalllinthistogether.I'malonelyboywithoutthem.ButthenI'dstillbeaftertheshowanyway.Ohwoahwoahwoahwell,I'mexaggerating.Asyoudoonablog.Yaknow,Itwouldn'tbeablogiftherewasn'tsomeformofexaggeration.Ilikehowthiswholepagenowisjustonehugeredsquigglyline.That'swhyIdiditlikethis.Notforsomestupidsymbolicpurpose,notcauseI'mtalkingrealfast,it'salljustcauseIlikethered.Sowithoutfurtheradieu,Ibidthee,adieu.

Real Talk

So.. Guess where I'm writing this one.

In school! Fwohhh, so rebelious, I know.

I'm trying to solidify some of my gooey brain matter into written form for the magazine I write for. Kind of like how I write in this blog. So, I think I'm just gonna be cheap and post up here what I've written for there too. I can't tell if these are "magazine worthy" though.

Which is your favourite, if any!?

Someday, cars’ll be so fast, that by the time we start them, we would have never left.

If you have nightmares at night, does that make a bad day dream, a daymare?

Positive = negative, really. You just got to swap around the posi’s and nega’s.

 

What’s the question, to the answer in your mind? If you can answer that, I’ll give you 10 bucks^*

Your latest memory is you reading this very sentence, right now. I guarantee.

There’s a fiiiine line between not minding, and not having a mind.

Whalers whale, Sailors sail, but tailors… Tail?

Philosophy is really just masturbation for the brain.

^{*Just kidding.}

Piss Town

Im standing, waiting for a bus as i write this right now. Normally I'd have things to do than this 10 bloody minutes after school, but there's a problem, you see.

I am reeeeaaally busting to take a piss right now. And it's torture.

Luckily as soon as i wrote that, the bus came. But it's not like there's any toilets on this thing. On the bright side, at least Im now heading towards the direction of a toilet. This thought comforts me.

Awgh, shit! A bunch of people are getting on at the bus stop across from Maccas. Hurryyyy uuup. Aaaahhh. They're arguing over how much to pay. It's one ringgit for crying out loud!

Oh great, as soon as we move, the red light hits.

Go go go, yeeeaaah. Finally got some momentum. I just hope there's no road work like there was yesterday. That made us stay in the bus for about 30 minutes i think. Doouuuble the normal time. It was fine yesterday since i could talk to my friend. But now Im just talking to myself...

Kind of like a crazy person, I suppose. Except Im not speaking out loud, disturbing other people with my delirium. That's me. The considerate crazy.

Gah, Im not crazy. Just distracting myself from my bladder.

So far so good. In the middle of the mountain now and no sign of traffic. Peeeerfeeeect. Im pretty disappointed though with myself today, cause I ate a puppy.
Loljkyolo!
I really just forgot my shoes for running today. Which is a shame, because I enjoy running. Ah well, next week.

Oh, oh, so guess what? There's the same traffic jam! Cause some fucking genius decided the best time to do road work would be in the BUSIEST TIME OF THE AFTERNOON. Yeah, that's really intelligent, I can see the logic behind this. Because what's the point of life if you can't piss off a fuck-load of people, right? Not to mention there's been this beeping noise the bus has been making since before i got in it.

*beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*

Over and over, no breaks. This is some hardcore beeping right here, people! Let's give it a round of applause! No? How about a round of machine gun bullets? Yeah, figured that'd be the more popular vote.

So there's this creep guy sitting in the seats made for old and/or disabled people (of which he's neither) staring up and down this girl in front of him. She doesn't realise cause she's got her back turned to him. Perfect for both of them i guess! He gets to stare at her, and she doesn't have to notice it. Everybody wins. Except for, ya know, justice.

Oh goody, we moved 5 feet.

I was planning to just write this for the whole trip, but I'd be able to write a full EE in the time it's gonna take to get home. So Im ending this here. Because I haven't even finished my actual EE yet!

Ps. I just caught the creep guy staring at me now when i looked up.

Huh?

What's that, you say?

A ToK practice presentation, you say?

Tomorrow, you say?

I don't have anything, you say?

I'm gonna wake up at 5 30 tomorrow morning, you say?

I'm tired right now, you say?

This is really bad, you say?

This is borderline disastrous, you say?

But this isn't the end of the world, you say?

Everything else that's to come is, you say?

How was your day, you say?

Only kidding i don't care about that, you say?

I'm gonna go gorge myself with ice cream, you say?

You should just give up now, you say?

Yeah, well, you know what?

Fuck you!

Hah.

Bagged Cats

Oh boy, I do love me some cold beef and bacon burger. And Im not even kidding! I just ate one. I don't know why Im so hungry lately, but I am!

Also, the cat's totally out of the bag. Now Im just kinda watching it, waiting for it to piss all over the place. Cause that's just what cats seem to do when Im around.

So.. What next then? Your move I guess.

Pathetique

Soooo.

It's been about half an hour since I've tried to fall asleep. And it seems Im getting nowhere! Hah, but like that's anything new.

Yesterday was sports day, and to be honest it was pretty fucking embarrassing. I threw up during the 1500 metre race... Twice! Luckily it was during the last lap. But it was still annoying. Especially considering a whole number of people could have seen it too.

After that I had high-jump. Now that was actually something i used to really like to do. 2 years ago. But since then it seems my form has gotten pretty sloppy. The bar also seemed to be a lot harder than past years.. After bashing into it twice for 130 cm and thrice for 140, it actually bruised my back. Hah.

Overall the experience kinda just left me feeling pretty pathetic.. Threw up in front of the whole school, and bruised my back on some tiny yellow rod. Oh well i guess. Its all over now. No room to dwell. But, still. It was pretty sucky.

For some reason today i was really on edge too. I had a mini freak out when this guy came up and touched my shoulders unexpectedly out of nowhere. It just made twitch and then flip out.. Why? Maybe it's stress or something. Anxiety manifestation. Who knows. Maybe i just don't like being randomly touched. I acted pretty strange during band practice too.. And i couldn't quite place a finger on why. But then hey, I was too far gone to stop then and there!
I really wish practice time was longer though. At least an hour. Is that so much to ask? Apparently so.

Well, I'm hoping tomorrow's gonna be fun. It probably will be. Even if I'll be doing something I've never done before...

Peel

Picking scabs is better than writing this essay.

Writing this essay is better than peeling off your toe-nail.

Peeling off your toe-nail is better than banging your head against a brick wall.

Banging your head against a brick wall is better than stepping on a rusty nail.

Stepping on a rust nail is better than getting crabs.

Getting crabs is better than falling asleep on a bed of lobsters.

Falling asleep on a bed of lobsters is better than thinking about the future.

Thinking about the future is better than social anxiety.

Social anxiety is better than picking scabs.

Picking scabs is better than writing this essay.

See! You just gotta look at it all in perspective! Who am I even talking to? Me I guess.

HAHA JK, MAN, JK. NOTHING IS BETTER THAN PICK SCABS. LAWL.

Escapade

I've been getting this overwhelming feeling of wanting to get the fuck out of here.

Let's go.

Achievement

So, I beat Assassins Creed 2 today. And when i did that, i felt pretty good. Kind of like "yeah, this is great. I've accomplished something today." And the piece of shit world suddenly turned into a big rose tinted piece of shit. That lasted for about an hour. Right up until i remembered who i was and then had to interact socially within a large group of people.

2 people i can handle. 3, sure. 4, okay maybe it's stretching the comfort mark now, but still i think I'd be capable. But then there comes a point where there's a lot of people. And its not that i don't like being around all the people, i do. It's just it seems increasingly difficult to speak out and join one large-ass conversation.

So then i just kinda find myself in amidst all this talking. And it feels really hopeless and i just don't know what to do. So then i pretty much disconnect from it all.. Cause it feels reeaally stressful for some reason. One root of anxiety i just can't clip off. Unfortunately life isn't only a one-on-one conversation. Does that happen to anyone else? All my friends seem to be social butterflies though ahah.

But anyways, this made me wonder about what I've really "achieved" today. And really in the grand scheme of my life, not really anything. Its not like i made some huge social change with myself, or i did any homework, or anything like that! I just beat a good game that's 4 years old. And ya know, maybe that doesn't sound very impressive to you reading this now, and maybe it isn't, but i had fun doing it. So in my eyes, i think it's still an accomplishment. An achievement in the sense that I was able to sit down a few hours a week and carry on with something to completion.

I was gonna say this can sum up my life, but I'd be lying. Of Course I've given up on stuff before. Who hasn't? Sometimes futility can just be way too much to bear.

But screw dat sheet. I ain't gonna give up now. Im an assassin beeotch. Deal with it.

Wa-Bam

Holy shit, it's November. I know it's 7 days in it already, but it's kind of only just hit me now. It's November. Two more months and we're back in January. Only this time it won't be doing the same old shtick any more, since we dive right into mocks.

Just thought I'd put that out there.

All this thought about a new year though. It got me thinking about my new year's resolutions that I wrote out on this blog so organized, so many months ago. I totally forgot about them. Can't even remember what they were.

Oh yeah, I remember now.

Something about finishing my album, and not shaving until I do. Haahahah. Well, I did shave. But, I also did finish my album. Kind of not really. I don't know. It is finished. Just, not EVERYTHING is recorded. So then, it's not finished. Damn it. I must finish it. I MUST.





I wrote that 4 days ago. So, uh, woops. I think I didn't publish it cause I didn't really accomplish anything, and then I just ran out of things to say. woopsy-fuckin'-doodle, eh?

Lefty

This is my right hand right now, and i gotta tell ya, it's a right mess. Im right handed too, so right now Im just hoping I'll be able to write tomorrow about the right thing for Greece to do in econs.

 Im even typing this with my not right hand, and it just feels not right. 

Not right at all.

Sticky Fingers

Mmm, yes, that's what happens when you stick your hand in a jar of jam. Do you like jam? I quite like jam. Oh yes, quite so. Jam is just one of those wonders of nature. I bet Insane Clown Posse would call it a Miracle. Don't get me wrong, I'm not as stupid as them, but there's just something about preserved fruit that I find ever so fascinating.

Speaking of jam, I've always wanted to jam with so many different people. It makes me wonder if I ever will. Only time can tell I suppose. After today, anything seems possible! Hah, well, "anything", but not anything. If you catch my drift. Which, I'm sure you do. It's pretty hard to miss. Just look for the trail of jam.

UGH. I HATE FARMVILLE REQUESTS.

I don't have any qualms that people play it, but do they have to tell me about it all the time? Do they have to keep sending me requests, telling me to join it? Hey here's a crazy idea, why don't we sit down, have a few jars of jam, and talk about the damn game first. Make me interested, then maybe I'll consider wasting my time on that stupid game. It's like going up to some random person on the street you don't even know, giving them a jar of jam, and then running away. If I was that person, I'd be very confused, and wouldn't know whether or not to eat the jam. Cause you can jammify other stuff other than fruit you know. Like, toe jam for instance. Ever thought about that? I have, and it's disgusting. But to be honest, I've never even seen what toe jam looks like, it just sounds gross. It'd probably give you sticky fingers too if you dip your hand in a jar of it.

I like strawberry jam, blueberry jam, chicken jam, roast Salisbury steak jam, plum jam, apricot jam, fried onion jam, black pepper jam, Pot of Basil jam, jam from the concentrated urinary tract of a pig, jumbalya jam. All sorts! Yum yum! Jam for all, jam for all!

Speaking of jam, there's a terrible bio write up just waiting for me to write up. But you see, I'm in a bit of a jam. My printer is in the jam-mobile over down yonder, helping out a jam concert in the jam factory where they produce jam. So, i said, okay, fine, i get it, you're in a jam, you're out of jam, and you want some jam (cause they're hungry of course, this jam is 7 hours and 52 minutes long), so i said to them, I said to them hey, if you're in such a jam, don't be a jam, just kick out the jams. Go back to that there jam factory, plug in the printer, and get the ball rolling. But then, they told me right, that the jam is too thick, it's too sticky, they can't U-turn. So I said, hold your horses son, are you saying it's a sticky jam? Well you better be careful cause i gotta tell ya that sticky jam ain't for no second-rate jam catchers I'll tell ya that yes I will. They just said waitaminute waitaminute, we gots an idea. I told 'em well don't tell me we gots an idea, go on and spit 'em out, you got jam in your ears or summin'? So they told me there's a power point in the car thats in the sticky jam way out down in yonder. So greeaaat, i said. I said, greeeaaat. Just jam it right in then and let's get this ball rolling, quoting myself from earlier see? So then they jam it in the jam hole where they jammed it real hard and there was this buzzing noise, kinda like a fridge that only holds jam, and they were like, woah man, we don't know how to tell ya this, but the printer. It's jammed.

HOOHOOHOOOOOO, that was hilarious. I don't know where i was going with that, but I went there and i got there HARD. Aw yeah, that felt real good.

I love stories. Expect more some day.

Screw it

Okay, here's something I recorded a few days ago. It's just a demo, so, yeah, it's not perfect. But nothing's perfect, so gimme a break. It's called Spineless. Originally it was called Spineless Scumfuck, but then I realised that's just too damn depressing, even for me. It's a song about me, go figure. I wrote this during a pretty dark time in my emotional existence. It's basically the product of a destructive relationship. There's another song to go with it, called "uhh, I don't actually have a title yet", but whatever, I haven't even finished that one yet. So, without further adieu, my song, Spineless.

Spineless Download woot woot

Let me know what you think.

Flood

Hah.

So this is just one of those nights where the floodgates have opened in my head, and it seems Im just incapable of sleeping.

Fine, fine.

I accept.

Feelings

I've been thinking a lot lately, about feelings. About, how I feel. About, how she feels. About, how everyone else must feel too. And, I've come to the conclusion, that lot's of people, feel different things.

No shit, right? But, I think, I've also come to terms, with feeling like it's okay to feel certain ways. Which is why, I think it's just really necessary, to let you all know, how I feel, because, I have definitely accepted it now, for what it truly is.

Pure.

Complete.

Utter.

HATRED.

I FUCKING HATE YOU.
EVERYTHING YOU ARE
AND EVERYTHING THAT YOU STAND FOR.
IF I COULD HATE ONE PERSON, WHICH I REALLY ONLY DO, IT WOULD BE YOU.
THAT'S RIGHT, I HATE YOU. TOTALLY, 100% FEEL LIKE YOU ARE THE ONE THAT I HATE THE MOST OUT OF THE ENTIRE WORLD. SCREW EVERYONE ELSE. ACTUALLY, NO, SCREW YOU! YOU FUCKFACE! HAAAH.

Ahhhh.. That feels.. So much better. Am I over reacting? Nah, you deserve it. Oh, by "you", I probably don't mean "you", reading this, right now. Because, as far as I'm aware, the person who I hate, does not know about this. Which kind of defeats the whole purpose of this post. But screw it! Sometimes, I feel angry and frustrated, and I like to write it down on an internet format for WHOEVER THE FUCK WANTS TO SEE IT. Why? Cause I'm an attention seeking little brat of course.

Hahah only joking.

About the last part I mean. There is no self deprecation here. No way. Just deprecation on this one guy. One steaming pile of deprecation. Although none of it could really equal the sheer amounts of shit this guy spews on a daily basis.

Haaaaaahhahahah. Okay, I'm done now. Also, I finished a song about it too. Is it bad, is it good, who knows, all I can see is red. But that just might be from the red lines under all my laughing.

HFB V.2

Oh yeah this has been eating up at me for a while. I got a revised version of Happy fuckin' Birthday. I think it's a lot better cause the vocals aren't all echo-y. The other version (that you've probably never heard anyway) has been deleted, and this new one is up now.

So yeah! Here's the link:

Link to Happy Fuckin' Birthday

Personally this is one of my favourite songs that I've ever done. Rudy seems to think it lacks structure. But I swear! It totally doesn't! Just listen to it and tell me what ya think.

As always, comments, critiques, trolls and ice cream, all is welcome.

Grinder

So here we go, back to the old grind. School is tomorrow. The half term went by in the blink of an eye. And now the week of HELL is fast approaching.

But ya know, maybe it won't really be so bad? There's only one way to find out, and that's to just do it. I fucked around a lot during the half term, so I didn't exactly do as much work as I really should have. Fine! That's alright. That was my choice and I'll deal with any consequences when they arise.

Overall I think this half term break went pretty great though. Perhaps even really great! Yeeeaaah. It just felt good I think to break away from the usual cycle of a school time table I think. Not to mention there was lots of talking to. Plenty of laughs. Bein' responsible as well. And it really made me realise that there is DEFINITELY more to life than school. It's just.. During school time, that feeling kind of disappears. But I've just gotta remember, that no matter what it'll always work out one way or another.

Hahahahahah. God. That is so optimistic. What's wrong with me? How can I possibly be happy!? I've got a Math IA draft due tomorrow, CAS stuff that I really need to sort out, ToK topic that I still need to find, 120 words Spanish essay about healthy eating (woopsies, forgot about that one), and, oh, yeah, THE ENGLISH IOC EXACTLY A WEEK FROM NOW.

It's all cool though. I feel totally calm. In a raging sea kind of way. My insides are kind of swirling around as I type this, but then at the same time, my head feels totally calm. Hahah conflicting sides. Normally my head is the one that's worried, not my stomach. Hmm, maybe that's just indigestion. Regardless! Whatever happens happens. So, uh, yeah. Let's make it happen then!

On a side note, I also recorded another song today. I won't put it up yet, because it's actually part of a two-parter. This one that I finished today is called Spineless. But I'll talk about it later once I finished recording the other side to it, which is called Fuck You. Hahaha. I just made up that title. Although I suppose it does kind of fit the essence of that song. It was originally called "We're Through", but, hey, I think "Fuck You" has a nicer ring to it. Great! Thanks blog! You always help me!

BRAIN TRANSPLANT 2

HERE IT IS! MY DEMO OF BRAIN TRANSPLANT! NON-ACOUSTIC!

I have to add that this is the most time I've ever taken at making a drum track. So, ya know, try and appreciate that. To be perfectly honest I'm very happy with how this demo turned out. I only wish I could add a bass. That's the only thing it's lacking ; a backbone. But for now, it is what it is, and I like it.

Maybe you'll like it too. Here it is:

Brain Transplant Download

Thoughts, praise, criticism, pizza, all is appreciated.

Pinkerton

Ahh Pinkerton. I forgot why you're my favourite album of all time. Luckily I'm listening to you now I'm reminded of how fucking awesome you are. I think it's the fact it's so raw. Like, I know it is obviously produced, but done in a way that makes it sound like everything was done in the moment, in one take. Like it's a perfect snapshot of the energy at the time. I hope to one day produce an album with that kind of rawness.

I woke up to "Why Bother" today, and I think that's what subliminally got me interested in you again. You're so cool. How can one thing possibly hold so much awesome? And it's like every time I see you, I find more things that make you awesome. So it's just constantly building up. But then it gets to the point where my list of adjectives is not able to do justice to the sheer amazingness of you.

Ooh, "The Good Life" is on now. Me and this songs have some good memories. That's the first song I played with Joo and Hayley. The precursor to Half an Hour Late. Granted it was only for a grade, but it was fun. And the words ring pretty true too. It makes me kinda regretful that we aren't playing it any more and it's not even in our repertoire. But that's what happens I guess. Wouldn't mind playing it again though once I get outta here. I mean, I wouldn't mind playing it while I'm still here.

ELLLLLL SCCOOOOCHHOOOOO!!!! This has to be my favourite song out of the whole album. Something about it. I've been told it's boring though. hee hee. I don't mind. I'd rather be boring and like this song than interesting.

It's true. I'm dumb, she's a lesbian! I thought I had found the one! We were good as married in my mind! But married in my mind's no good... Greeaat chorus. I feel bad for Rivers though. If this really did happen to him like he says it did. Shit. Let me know the truth. Please.

I wonder what it's like to play a cello? I bet it's really difficult. OH BABY I'M AFRAID I'M FALLING FOR YOU. Wooooaah, where'd that come from? The song Falling For You obviously. Duuuh. I'm sorry for what I did. I did what my body told me to.

Hhhh, you know what I hate the most though? It's only 10 songs long. Just as it begins, it's over. I wanna get to know you more, but there's just no time it seems. But we can make time. I can make time. That's why there's an extra 10 tracks or so with demos and radio versions of the singles. I don't think time is really an issue here. But then what is it? Maybe it's cause half the songs are repeats. Sure they're "live" or "radio-remixes" but they're still essentially the same. But you know what? I think a healthy relationship has repeats in it. Repetition means you're just knowing each other better and better.

Wow, it's like I'm not even talking about Pinkerton any more.

But I am!

Long Road

Hey, so guess what? This is my 80th post. Not a bad number I think.

I'm gonna try and get to 100 posts by the end of the year. Looking at my track record, that seems preeetty likely. Unless NOTHING interesting happens from now until 2013. But I doubt that! Stuff happens all the time around here. So much stuff.

I've been getting headaches lately, pretty much on a nightly basis. The interesting part, I think anyway, is that the pain is always on different parts of my head. Like, last night, it was at the back, on my left side. So that would be around my temporal lobe I suppose? Which doesn't make a lot of sense, because that's where language is processed, but hey, who knows. Maybe it's cause I was trying to think in spanish? Right now I'm feeling it in the front right half. So that's around the frontal lobe I think. That's in charge of planning, so I guess that makes some sense, since I'm kind of worried about tomorrow, and I've been trying to plan what's gonna happen.

Yeah, tomorrow I'll be working with some kids who are vision impaired. I'm looking forward to it cause I get to teach them music, and I think it'll be really fun. But.. I dunno, I think it's just the thought of having to work with people. And people are so unpredictable. Especially ones that I've never met before. So, it's hard for me to wrap my head around what to expect, how it'll go, stuff like that. I probably shouldn't be anxious about it, but I am. But that's okay, just gonna take it all in my stride. One step at a time.

Speaking of steps, that leads onto the title. Long Road. It's been a pretty long road I think. What has you ask? Well, just the past year and a half I suppose. From the start of IB till now. A lot has happened. A lot more good than bad, which is great. But yeah. When I try and think back to the very beginning, I actually find it kinda hard. It feels so far back, it's like, if I were to literally look back down the road, I'd be able to see a vague outline of what happened, but the specific details (not all though), are pretty much faded. Hidden behind the smog. It makes me wonder if I've really learnt anything, or if I've just gone with the flow so much that I've let it drift me away to places I didn't even realise.

Either way though, it doesn't really matter. It's half term now, and that's what I can be happy about. Woohoo! I know there's a lot of people who were pretty reluctant about this, since it's not technically a *holiday* cause we've got so much work to prepare for, that's so important. But still! At least we're not in school. I'm thankful there's a week away from it. I just realised I'm almost up to my 5th year here. That's a pretty long time. Is that why I'm going slightly stir crazy? Perhaps. Peeeerhhaaaaapppssss.

Sleeeeeppyy. You're getting moooooore and moooooore sleeeeppy. Not cause this is really boring. But because you are being hypnotized. HaHA! Only kidding. You're not being hypnotized. Yet. Once I sort out the kinks, I think hypnotism could be really fun. If it even works. Still need to find a test subject who actually WANTS to be hypnotized. Ooooone daaay, ooooone daaaay.

Speaking of one day. This particular day, was a lot of fun. I enjoyed it. It was enjoyable. I think I'm getting pretty good at talking. If I do say so myself. Which I do. Heeeh.

Now then, time to eat some oreos. Sweet, sweet, delectable oroes. Oh how you complete me.

loljk.

UGH! That's another thing! I've gotten into the horrible habit of writing "lol". I mean, I really do only type it when I'm laughing out loud, but still. I used to hate it! In my old blog, I made a whole rant about it! Whatever happened to standards? They're all but disintegrated now. Ahhhhh weeeell. lol.

Seething

I would rather gauge me eyes out with a rusty nail, then look at your face.

I would find the longest branch I could, and shove it so far through my ears that it bursts the cochlea on both sides, putting me into an eternal vertigo, rather than listen to your shit.

I would give cocaine to an elephant, stand under it, and be crushed while it has seizure, instead of being subjected to one more painful encounter with you.

If words could break my bones, I would say every single word ever created, and hospitalize myself, so that I don't have to go through the torture of seeing you on a day-to-day basis.

I would find shark skin, and use it as sandpaper, to rub clean off my entire face, than give myself the possibility of accidentally running into you one day.

I would turn my scrotum into a noose, and hang myself from my balcony, instead of smelling your repugnant bigotry every time I'm near you.

I would cut my jugular with a blunt axe, collect the blood pouring out of me into a jug the shape of an ice pick, freeze the blood in the jug, smash the jug over my legs to free the solidified blood-pick, and proceed to smash my own skull in with the ice pick made of blood, instead of being sonically raped one more time by the shit that comes out of your mouth.

Coconut

Well, there ya go. You're just about as good as dead now. I'll never see you ever again. I thought I wouldn't actually be sad. But I guess I kind of am. I really thought I wouldn't feel anything at all to be honest. But.. It does make me feel something. Kinda like that sinking feeling you get in your stomach sometimes.

Okay, it was a bit harsh to say "you're just about as good as dead", because I know you'll probably be a lot happier where you're gonna be now. Hopefully. I'm sure we didn't just send you away to be eaten alive by some sickos or whatever. Or skinned and turned into a cat-suit. But that probably wouldn't happen. Surely.

I've known you for 7 years. that's 41% of my life! And now I'll never see you again. You won't be there to piss in the middle of the hallway. You won't spread your horrible, stench-filled pheromone all over me. You won't shit on the floor outside my room. You won't rub your head up against my leg when I come home from school. You won't jump up on the bed with me when I'm feeling a little lonely. You won't start nuzzling into me, or go all floppy when I pick you up. And the worst part is, you probably won't even remember me. But that's okay. You're a cat. I'm not too familiar with the memory system of a cat, but it's probably not too impressive. After a few months without any sign, scent, or sound from me, I'll be clear out your memory, and be replaced by someone else.

I accept that fact.

But it still makes me feel pretty sad.

Buried Treasure

I just found some lyrics I wrote about 9 months ago or something.

JACKPOOOOOT.

I didn't know how good I was.

Well, I did. But I didn't know that I was that good even then. I love it when I leave little bits of treasure for me to find several months later after I've forgotten about them. It's pretty cool, cause then I can see it all through a new perspective. I turned this super depressing song that I wrote, into a bitingly sarcastic one, now that I've progressed in my life from that moment.

Forget that other song I was gonna put up next.

This one is gonna come up. I was thinking of making it a slow tempo one. The slowest song I've ever done. But I dunno, we'll see how it pans out.

It's also come to my attention that I've never actually posted a love song, or something along the lines of a song that portrays some kind of deep feeling for something. I mean.. I have written a few. But I don't think they're ready yet. Nah. Not yet. They don't feel genuine enough I think. Well, they were genuine. And are. But... It just feels like something is missing. And it's not a cheezy synth-organ.

Okay then. Hope tomorrow will be good.

SEE YA.

Paragraph

So I've got this ulcer right now inside my mouth, at the part where the lip is attached to the gum. It hurts quite a bit, cause, ya know, it's the attached part. So whenever I move my lips, the ulcer gets stretched. Doesn't really hurt I'm eating though. Except for bananas, which for some reason really hurt. I've been eating 2 bananas a day recently, cause I think my potassium levels have been pretty low. Always get cramps when I'm running. But I haven't been able to run at the beginning of this week. Cause I had some pretty bad sunburn on my leg. Did I talk about that already? I can't even remember. But I couldn't go to school on Monday nonetheless because I wasn't able to wear pants. Unfortunately that meant I missed out on a roller-coaster at school. You'd think I'd be over roller-coasters by now, after Orlando and all, but nope. It's really fun. To fall. That feeling you get, right at the peak of a drop, and then. Down you go. It's pretty nice. i swear I looked at my clock on the computer 10 minutes ago and it said it was 12:49 AM. But it says it's 12:49 AM now. Well. 12:50 AM now, but who's counting? Me apparently. That's what you get for taking maths. You become aware of numbers. The universe works on a math equation that never even ever really is in the end. Does that make sense to you? Because to me, it makes perfect sense. Crystal clear clarity. Like the finest concentration of methemphetamine. Not that I would actually know what that's like though. I wonder if Keats ever partook in such earthly process as taking drugs. I can imagine him sitting in his room, with nothing but his notebook where he writes all his poetry, and a joint. Kinda sounds like me, minus the joint. Speaking of poetry, I could have sworn I was inspired some-what the other day to write lyrics. But it was all to no avail. Maybe tomorrow something'll hit me. Like a bus. Or a car. Or a cat. I'd rather it hit me, than piss on me. I think I've finally gotten rid of my natural pheromone that attracts my cat's to pee on me. That was annoying. Speaking of annoying, this format I've written this post is exceptionally annoying. Jumping from idea to idea, with no paragraphs anywhere to be seen. There's no splitting of ideas. Technically this all constitutes as one flow of the mind. One, flow, seeping up and down through my veins. Temptation flows in my veins. Does it flow in your veins too? Probably. We're all tempted to do something every now and then. Be it something stupid, spiteful, nice, mean, hatred-fuel, et al. But in the end. No matter how much temptation I've got, it's just not enough to breeeaaak through some walls. Some very big, tall, jail cell looking walls, with barbed wire and electricity coursing through them. Too high to jump. I could try digging under it, but there's an underground river with crocodiles in it. Crocodile tears. What an interesting phrase. Is it because crocodiles can keep their eyes open for a long time and not blink or cry? I dunno. And quite frankly, I couldn't (almost wrote could) care less about some English saying. I couldn't care less about English too. What a silly language. All languages are silly. So many exceptions. They're all filled with them. If we didn't have language, would we be able to comprehend our complex thoughts? I argued "no" for my ToK essay once. But I argue "no" for a lot of things too. Too many things. Like what? I can't remember. Actually, no, that's not true. I argue "for" quite many things. Liek the freedom to choose. I believe every human being has the right to choose what they wanna do to their own body. Apparently, that's a stupid thing to believe. But, what can I say? Fuck you? No, not you. You didn't do anything. Did you? Not that I know of. Maybe you have, and I'm just ignorant. Can't really say blissful, but I suppose I am somewhat naive. So that can be nice sometimes. But then sometimes I make it seem like I know less, when really, I get the whole picture. Or do I? I can't even remember. I'm pretty tired now, so that's why my memory is being all faulty. Faulty, faulty, faulty. To bad I threw away the warranty card for my mind. They said it last for 18 years. So I've got one more year to redeem and refine. But who would wanna get a brain transplant? Not me. That's for sure. HAH. HAHAH. Why am I laughing? That will be the twist ending to this thought. I don't even knoooooow. That's a cop out answer though. Of course I know. Why wouldn't I know? It's like saying I don't have complete control of my body. But that would be siiiillyyyy. I know what I want. It's just a matter of communication, timing, and a third thing too I guess. Cause the rule of thirds says so. And for some reason, the number 3 just happens to be very persuasive. Why? Why? Why? Who knows. Third time's the charm, or so the old saying goes. Great, my head exploded now from all this continuous continuous continuous thinking. Good night.

Waiting

Yes. Yesss. Yeeeesssssssssssssssss. Yeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.............Could it be?

Yes, I think so. I have become inspired. All of the stars in my mind have finally aligned. I feel it. Something. This is good. Very good. Expect something. Expect something good. Expect something nice. Expect something worth your time. Because time is precious after all. Mmmmm. Yes. Time is definitely of the essence. Essence. Essence. the essence of time is the way you spend it. How do you spend time? With your own two hands of course. How much is spent? Depends on what you're buying. Is it expensive? That also depends on what you're making time for. Making time. Lot's of people make time. Lot's of people make it just in time. Right before the door closes. Why? I dunno, they're just lucky like that. Time was in their favour. Is time in my favour? Only time will tell. Let's hope it won't be a total jerk-dick-dirty-filthy-rotten-motherlicking-fuckface-bastard-bitch.  HAHAHA. Of course not. Time is nice.

Zipper

Wow. Really? Can't talk to the point of not even being able to ask for 20 sen to get home. This shit is getting debilitating. You'd think after the last string of positive posts things would start getting better, right?

Hahahah. Hah. No. On the contrary. Its like after something good happens, or i sense some kind of progression socially with pretty much anyone, i get all happy and ignorant. And i forget, that there's a lot more left.

I don't get it really. Talking should be easy. I've been speaking since i was about 3. And yet, almost everyday my skills seem to just be deteriorating. I can't just expect everyone to start all conversations. And yet i just, i just, i just can't open my god damn mouth. Why? Why oh why oh why?

It really shouldn't be that hard. Shoulda woulda coulda. Or in this case shouldn't wouldn't couldn't. And yet it is! And Im just stuck in this frustrating loop that consists of false hope followed by a decline in social skills. And the stupid part is it's all in my head. Yet i just can't wrap my mind around it, and strangle the problem to death. Hah. If only.

My mouth is like a zipper that's stuck on the corner of my jeans.

I'd end on a positive note like: "I'm sure next week will be better!" But positivity can go fuck a butt. I'm out.

Anticipation

This is it. The moment is finally here. My all time favorite band's new album is finally being launched into my ears as a wall of sound.

And I have to say.

It's fucking fantastic.

IT LIVED UP TO THE HYPE. Which is something I've found quite rare in my 12 years of experience. Cause let's face it, I'm basically a 12 year old right?

It makes me feel revitalized. It gives me hope for the future. It makes me reflect on different kinds of things. I spent all afternoon today trying to find a physical copy of the CD. It was advertised in a few music shops that it is coming out today.

 But the places I went to, they just looked at me stupidly and were like "duuuhhhhrrhyyuuucckk, come back on the 25th?" They're heads imploded when I told them it is the 25th. But I didn't care. The disappointment was just so great. A completely wasted afternoon on a wild goose chase. I really wanted to actually pay for something. I thought they, as the artist, would have earned it. But I guess nooooot.

In the end though I just got the digital copy.

Wooooooooooooo hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

This feels good.

I'm smiling.

Anyways, that's just one thing that happened today. And actually quite a bit happened. For instance, I found out a great way to pick up girls from ToK. Well, rather, the girls would pick me up. But it seems fool proof enough. Just need to go to a crowded place, like a disco, and then collapse on the ground. Then, apparently, the girls in vicinity will help stand me up, before shortly asking me to go back to their place.

Sounds good right? And the way I fall over naturally over anything and everything anyway makes it seem even more believable. Perfect. Thanks ToK!

Okay.. Maybe not a lot really happened today... After listening to that Green Day album, all I can think of is how cool it is. So I guess not that much important really occurred. HO WELL!

See you tomorrow. Or not. Who's to say if I can really see anything through these rose tinted eyes.

Shiver

And just like that, the truth finally comes out. After being bottled up for what feels like a really really long time. And now that's it out, all I feel is a shivering inside. But it's weird though. It's not a cold shiver. I don't know how to explain it. But my insides feel like they're swirling back and forth, and then there's a break, and then it starts again.

Gosh darn.

And now I'm just left with my thoughts. My damn thoughts. They can be pretty intrusive sometimes. Creeping up on me when I don't want them. In the middle of a conversation, or when I'm lying in my bed trying to sleep. But maybe this is good. I'm glad it's finally out. It's like I puked out this horrible stick that's been stuck in my throat for about 7 months, muting me.

Maybe now I'll be able to properly talk again.

We'll see I guess.

Wilfred

Resentment is like taking poison and then waiting for the other person to die.

That's a quote i read today, and for some reason it piqued my interest. Hmmm, i wonder why though? Learning is fun. I like having questions answered.

Coin

So I've been thinking of my future lately. And I reckon in university I should major in creating false senses of security. Cause I seem to be pretty good at doing that naturally. Haaaaaaah. Hilarious. Aren't I funny?
Nope, not at all.
What? Why not?
Well first of all I couldn't even tell you were joking.
I wasn't joking.
Then why would you even think it's funny?
I dunno.. The truth can be funny?
Ha. Ha. Indeed. The truth is so very funny. Like your face.
My face? I suppose it can be pretty funny looking sometimes.
Nope, not sometimes. All the times.
Ouch, that kinda stings.
Aw boo hoo.
Why are you being so mean?
I don't really know, to be honest. Maybe I'm just a naturally mean person?
That would explain a lot..
Hey! What is that supposed to mean?
Well, ya know, your short temper and whatever.
I don't have THAT short a temper... Do I?
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, kind of. I mean, sometimes you do.
Sometimes I just have off days. So what? Sue me.
See! Again with the hostility. Jeez man, you needa take a chill pill.
Oh you mean like the ones you take every night before you go to bed?
Yeah, they really help my anxiety. Helps my insomnia too. The world can be pretty overwhelming, ya know? Helps me not think about the next day for a while.
Hah, the next day. Always worried about what tomorrow will bring aren't you?
I wouldn't say I'm worried, really. Just, excited I suppose. In a weird kind of way. Since, there's so many possibilities that could happen.
So then why are you anxious?
Well one of the possibilities could be something bad happens. Or that nothing happens. Then that would be shit. I hate it when nothing happens. Or when it feels like I'm stagnating.
At least you shower regularly...
Yep! Everyday! Also, I cut my hair today. By myself.
What the fuck? Why?
Agghh, my fringe was getting in the way of my eyes.  I hated that. So this bright idea came to my mind: "WHY DON'T YOU JUST CUT IT!?" And so I do! I go get my scissors, and then snip snip. No more fringe.
Wow... What a rebel..
Well I thought it was pretty cool. Who are you anyway?
Eh, I guess I'm you.
So then I'm you too, right?
I suppose so. Makes sense right? What's mine is yours and yours is mine. Two different sides of a coin.
I don't like that analogy. I'm not bi-polar or anything.
Are you sure? You split yourself up right now, didn't you?
So? This is just for fun?
Oh really? So you're having fun right now, are you?
Uh...................... I guess so............
Ugh, you're so indecisive.
No I'm not!
Yeah you are. You're so wishy-washy. It's so stupid. You know what you wanna do and say and how you wanna act, and yet you just DON'T. Why not? Cause you're indecisive. You're worried about what being you might do.
No.. I like being me. It's just. I don't know. Sometimes it just feels like there's a wall in my head. And I can't cross it for the life of me! I hate it to be honest. Absolutely hate it.
Then fucking do something about it and stop whining about it like a little cry-baby.
I try to do something everyday! But it's not a quick-and-easy process. These things take time.
You know that when you move to America you're just gonna reset, right? No friends, no family with you, unfamiliar city. How are you even going to survive out there? Let alone even form a freakin' band from scratch with total strangers.
Well.. you never know. My roomies may be like, the perfect combination of people and they all wanna be in a band too.
Oh really? Wanna know the probability of that? Well I can't give you an exact number, because you suck at math, but you know just as well as I do the chance for that to happen is so remotely slim, you'd have to be the luckiest person on the planet. You feelin' lucky boy? Hah.
Not particularly when I see my Group 4 team. But that was just one instance.
Yup, just one. And you know what they say. If something like that happens once, it can happen again.

...

I don't know what to say! It just feels like there's so many barriers. I finally break through one after a lot of work, work that I enjoy mind you, but then another one just plops itself right in front of the last one. I've moved about 3 inches these past few months.
Well done.. You've managed to encapsulate all your feelings about this into one short paragraph. Are you satisfied now? Can we go home?
Home? No.. We can't yet. It's too early right now.
Uggghh come on! We've been here for ages.
Oh please, it's only been like 10 minutes.
YEAH. AGES.
Wow, you really don't wanna talk to me that much, huh? It's okay, I don't really care. I'm not even hurt. You're just a dick anyway.
Whatever douchebag, at least I know what I want.
No you don't! You know just as much as i do, and that's absolutely nothing!
Don't you think that's a bit of an exaggeration?
Yeah, you're right. I do know stuff. I know I don't know nothing. But sometimes it just feels like that.
I know.. I know.. This is just you over thinking again.
Why do I do that?
Who knows. I sure don't.
Yeah, didn't think you would. But I thought it would be worth a shot.
Nice, there, see, isn't that good? You're trying!
I try all the time.
Really?
Well... I try when I can. It's hard. With the walls and whatever..
It all just sounds like excuses to me.
Yeah it would to anyone else too.
Hhhhhhhhhh, lucky I know you. Come on. Let's go home already.
Fine.. I think I've dwelled on this for too long today anyway.
FINALLY. About time.
Let's go get something to eat. I'm hungry.
Okay, stop talking about it then, and get to it. Make me a sandwich.
Hey, fuck you.

Disconnect-connect-connect-connect-aagghh-disconnect

Yes! That's right! Due to unpopular demand here is another shoddily recorded demo!! And get this, I even played the drums myself this time, instead of making a drum track. So uhh.. that's why the drums sound completely random at times. Because I was basically just jamming, messing around with the different cymbals. That's why there's more fills in this song! But just remember, it's a DEMO. And I had no help. In an ideal world I'd really like to run it with my band, and get their input too, and make it even better! But we'll see about that I guess.

So without further adoo (i know that's wrong) HERE IT IS:

Disconnect

And as an added bonus, because I apparently really don't wanna finish this other English essay I have to do, here are the lyrics!

So much stimuli in this world

It's impossible to experience it all.

So if all is fair in life and death

Then I better keep away from all of it.

There's so much beauty, I've been told;

On this little planet, we call home.

But what about all the eyesores too?

Yeah, I'm better off closing my eyes for good.

Chorus!

Don't mind me just sitting here.

I would rather disappear.

Forget the time that's passing by.

I would, rather close my eyes.

When you're plagued with disaffect,

I'd much rather disconnect....!

ooo-waoo-oo-waoo-oo

oo-waoo-oo-waoo-oo-oo

waoo-oo, waoo-oo

There's so much tension in this place.

And I can feel the signals punchin' my face.

Radio static, coming in clear.

Yeah, it's, it's force fed, right into my ear.

When your cell phone's smarter than you

Where is the point in learning something new?

What's the latest trendy perfume flair?

Oh, I heard it's apathy, wafting in the air.

Then, ya know, some more chorus' or whatever.

Tadaaah, the end. In case you couldn't tell, because even I have a hard time telling sometimes, I'm being sarcastic in this song. I don't really wanna disconnect from people. It just feels like sometimes it's all I can do.

Door Smasher

Ooooww.. I just walked into my bathroom door. And not when it was closed either. When it was pretty much all the way opened. Managed to scrape the top of my foot off cause the bottom of the door is elevated the side of the bathroom. I also banged my shoulder..

Who does that? Walk into an open door? Me apparently. If you know me i guess this clumsiness wouldn't really seem like much of a surprise. But for me, whenever i do something stupid like that, or say, miss my mouth when i try and put a spoon full of soup in it, i am really genuinely surprised everytime something like that happens. I wonder why?

Maybe my head is just never where it should be. A case of wrong time wrong place, except mental. Sometimes i just get in the habit of thinking about some things so much that i just go into autopilot. So my body just moves around where it needs to but then my mind can wander as much as it wants. Hahaha I'll probably end up getting run over by a car or something.

Naah, i promise to be careful on the street.

I may be clumsy, but Im not stupid. Really. Even when it seems i do completely stupid things, i swear Im not doing them on purpose. But then again.. Who is stupid on purpose? Would someone who is stupid know it if no one tells them?

Hmm.. Probably not i guess. So maybe i am stupid, just no one's had the guts to tell me.


It's okay, you'd only hurt my feelings a little bit.

Haah.

Oh, but then that gets me thinking. What constitutes as stupid? Who decides what is and isn't? Im not really sure.. Maybe it depends on some kind of unanimous decision derived sub-consciously in our society?

Ahh so many questions, so few answers. And there are still many more questions I'd like to ask.

But they can wait i guess.

Fuckin' A

Here's a nice picture i took while doing my English essay the other day. Pretty artsy huh? I was just about to play a game of naughts and crosses with myself on that massive hash thingy on my hand. But then better things arose than drawing on myself. Ahhh good times, good times.

Mind Refraction

It's 7:11. And although I have tried so very hard to start my English Essay all week, it's already due tomorrow. Who would have guessed staring at a blank page would be so counter productive?

Me! But that's unfair. I'm only speaking from experience.

I hope this doesn't sound like I'm complaining. Because I'm not, really. I know it's all my fault I haven't gotten around to doing it yet. But that's just what I do. Build things up and then let them slip away. Tension, excitement, suspense, hopes, whatever. Think it just took this essay for me to fully realise that. I don't mean to, but that's just how things turn out.

Positive = Negative.

 Although in this case it seems more like Positive --> Negative. But, with bad comes good, right? Meh, who knows. This universe is random anyway. This is just my coping mechanism cause I don't understand a thing about life.

Well, time to get to work I guess. Maybe this one won't somehow slip away.

Keats Would Be Proud

What could I possibly hate more?

A question which poses itself;

That I drew on my bedroom wall.

With the matter of oneself,

Whom had suffered a great fall

from the top of my mantel shelf.

O, no, the fire was still left on and burning bright.

O, dear, such a pity for the fire to engulf you tonight.

What is life and are we really living

the way we think we aught to?

Often on nights such as this, quivering,

I ask myself, 'till my brain is stew.

But philosophy is for those who don't mind giving

A fuck or two, so I must say screw

It all, because to be honest it's all a cyclical argument.

Or a catch-22 or whatever you wish to call it.

But time is wasting too much I'd say.

So what's up with all the rhetoric?

Perchance this is the time for an essay.

But then again I'd much rather frolic

in a pile of wet, sticky, chocolate soufflé.

But hey, on the bright side, I'm not an alcoholic.

But even if I was, I don't think anything could be as bad

As the procrastination, that's taken firm hold of my gonad(s).

-0

So me and Janet have just discovered that no one has ever wrote anything called -0 (negative zero) before. UNTIL TODAY. WOOHOOHOOHOO! 

Uh, I feel like I should say something really impressive for this momentous occasion. But to be honest, my mind is complete mush from the two music essays I've just done.

So..... 

Just think about a world where -0 exists. What would it be like? Well I guess we'll finally know the answer.

As soon as I press "Publish".

Red red red

Hah.

So I just re-listened to this song I made in December while I was staying with Joe. It was based off words we said on Skype. Something about rainbows in your eyes and feeling red? Oh! And also this part where we harmonized saying "la". Joe just kept going lalalalalalalalalalalala, and I went laaalaalalaaa, like that. Can you hear it in your head now? Yeeeaah, it was pretty cool. Plus, it's only about 30 seconds long, so it didn't distract me too much from my EE. But then again, now I'm here writing this post. Because. Well. I can. And I feel like I've neglected you for quite a while. By you just then I meant my blog. So I guess the only way to make it up to you (my blog) is by posting useless drivel on it. I think this is a good start.

 THIRD SEPTEMBER POST AAWWW YEEAAAH.

Oh yeah, and here's a picture of an ostrich that I took in Orlando.

Shabam!

Eloping Elephants

So I'm doing my EE now. Turns out I've only done about 518 words so far. I could have sworn I've written at least 600!

Oh well I guess. Time to become a recluse for the day.

BUT GOD DAMN!
IT'S JUST SO HARD TO KEEP STILL FOR THAT LONG.

To be honest I don't really think I can take it. I mean, sitting down long enough to write 3000-4000 words. I don't know how anyone can really. How do you do it? Please, tell me.

Anyone have any tips on how to keep your mind set in stone about something? I mean jeez, writing this post is evidence enough that I'm already distracted.

And now I'm just stalling more, cause I know that once I push "Publish", I'm gonna have to continue working. On the bright side, at least I finished my Spanish Presentation yesterday. Didn't quite get to work on my English essay though.. Well I'll have plenty of time tomorrow to do that I guess. Since my EE is due, drumroll please, *tktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktk ktsch* TOOOMOOORRROOOOOWWWWW. And I sure as hell don't wanna ask for an extension. Because in the end i'll just stall that too until the last day, wouldn't I? Yep, I would.

Okay, enough fucking around.

Wish me luck....

A picture.

Here's a picture of a funny sign I took in some subway in New York:

hahahahahaha, see? Isn't it funny?

Well there you go. I hope you're satisfied. A picture. I know I don't normally put pictures up here, so this is a nice change of pace. Psshh, what's next? Discuss boring politics? 

Naah, I don't have time for that. Who does though, really. Politicians I guess. 

Heh, I find it funny, looking back on the time when I made this blog, and comparing it to now. I made it cause I felt kinda friendless at the time, what with Joe leaving and all. But now I'm, dare I say it, happy. 

It's nice. To know people. To get to know people. To learn about people. To find out new things about people. But not just any people, nice people. 

Oh yeah, I also cried a little in maths today. Not because I'm some sensitive cry-baby or anything.. But like, I felt for the first time in a long time, that I understood what was going on. Not in just that math class (although I finally did understand differentiation) but in life.

Positive = negative. That's what I figured out. A seemingly positive number can be transformed into a negative one so easily, and vice versa. Good = bad, bad = good. Shitty = not-so-shitty. What comes around goes around basically. It was just nice to see that in number form today, as opposed to words, since you always see stuff like this in words.

Such a beautiful equation.

Prokofiev, Yellow Rivers, and Golden Showers

So I'm listening to Prokofiev right now. That bastard had the gall to write a symphony, which I now have to know from top to bottom. It's all my fault though, really. I signed up for music after all. Eh, It's not really that bad. I'm up to the third section. Oh, the fourth now. Since the third was only about 50 seconds.. Woohoo! I'm half way done already!

Next will be the Yellow River, by Xian. It's real cool from what I've heard. All about Chinese propaganda and their fight against the Japanese in the 1940's.. From what I read, it's basically a soundscape of the Chinese spirit and will to fight Japanese invaders. Oh boy..

Speaking of Japan, I went there for the holidays! Only for about 5 days, but it was still an awesome experience. It was actually the first time since I learnt Japanese that that skill actually came in handy. At last, the past two years of my life haven't seemed like a total waste of time. Linguistically speaking, of course. Ooh, this fourth movement is quite exciting. Very moving indeed. If you catch my drift.

Hahahaha, speaking of catching a drift, I've just listened to the new Offspring album. At first I wasn't so impressed, just kind of seemed like they hadn't really developed at all, and their like, in their late 40's now. But then I thought about it, and realised they don't really need to develop an entirely new sound. They've already perfected a sound that is their own, so why would they go around destroying it? I mean look at what happened to Linin Park.. *Shudder* Anyway, anyway, they have a song in the new album called Cruisin' California (Bumpin' in my Trunk), and what I only just realised, was that it's a song about some chick farting. Hahaha at first listen it just sounds like they resorted to falling into the same pop-groove as Katy Perry, but no, far from it. This is one of their best joke songs evaaa. It's also catchy too.. But I guess that's what you'd expect from pop garbage.

So I've been pretty busy these holidays ya know. Granted, not doing so much work as I probably should have been doing, but still, I was a busy guy. For instance, a lot of my time was spent writing super long emails that just kept getting longer and longer! That was what happened for a majority of the time when I was in the U.S of A. It was fun. Now that I'm back in my old casa, I've got Joe here! He's visiting from England. It's pretty cool, since I haven't seen him in AGES. And yet it's like he never left. Some things are kind of different, like not that many people are here, and we can't really talk about stuff that happened in school, but we get by. It's just good to have my old friend back.

Now I'm supposed to be writing about this massive 12 minute movement by Prokofiev. But I'm not. This blog is far, far more important than my foreseeable future.

Hmm, the thought has crossed my mind of dropping out of school. Just go to Singapore instead for my uni. I qualify for going there right now, so it wouldn't be a problem getting in. But I can't. No matter how I bitch and whine and complain, I'm not gonna be quitting this damn IB anytime soon.

Besides, there's still so much left to happen this new year.
I just hope most of it turns out to be good,

Mormons

Hello!

My name is Elder Bryce. And I would like to share with you the most amazing book.It has so many AWESOME parts, you simply won't believe how much this book can change your life!

Yes yes, that's right, I have just seen the greatest musical of all time so far.

Indeed, the Book of Mormon itself! Woooooo!

It was hilarious! If you ever get the chance to see it, do! Hahaha just thinking about it makes me wanna burst into hysterics. The fact that I'm also listening to the soundtrack too probably doesn't help my compulsive laughter either. heheh.

It really got me thinking about all religion. And how I'm glad I've decided not to believe anything.There's just no point really. There's just no proving that what's in a bible, or a holy text of some sort, or what some guy tells you, is really true or not. That's not to say that I believe there isn't a God, or Gods either. Because there's also no way to prove that there isn't one.

So when I say I don't believe in anything, I literally mean I don't believe in anything. Whether it's to do with believing something does exist, or doesn't. Because really, when you get right down to it, does it really matter? In the end you're only just following some crazy story from a book anyway, right? Now just cause it's crazy doesn't mean it's not true but... If you believe Noah saved two of every single animal on the planet in a gigantic arc during a flood, then you might as well believe that Jesus told Joseph Smith that fucking a frog will cure aids!

That's a little reference to the musical by the way. Heheh.

That's all for now, since I've got my flight for Orlaaandoooo tomorrow!

Orlandooo...

Orlandoo..

Orlando.

Nasal Nuisance

Aaagghhhh!

My ducking* nose has been so incredibly irritated this entire trip. Not irritated in the sense that it's blocked, or that i can't smell anything. On the contrary, i can quite happily continue smelling my food and the flowers. But there's this burning, scratching, itching feeling; it's overwhelming! So overpowering that sometimes i just wish i didn't even have a nose.

Heh. How weird would that be? Not having a nose i mean.

But anyway. Ugh! Fuck!

Bit hey ya know, other than that this trip has been pretty good so far. Saw Rock of Ages the Broadway musical the other day, and to my surprise it was actually pretty good. Unfortunately it raised my expectations for the next musical i was gonna see which was Spiderman. I actually just came back from it just now. Now i know this is gonna sound pessimistic (although you really should expect that from me by now) but that show. Was. An. Utter.

Snot Rag!

I think it was the music that got to me the most. U2 wrote every song, so i can blame them for the shitty onslaught my ears had to suffer through. Like poniards being jabbed into my cochlea! It didn't help that Peter Parker's voice was also high and nasaly. But maybe that's just cause Im jealous. Bet he doesn't have an irritated nose. Hahaha, ah well. Got two more shows to see tomorrow before i leave on Thursday.

But i have been having fun though, honest. I've been able to see some old friends again who are from Australia. They came with us on the trip. Oh so today i went to Coney Island. I've always thought that's a strange name for the place, since it isn't even really an island. Its just a boardwalk on the sand with some rides on it!

But going there made me really want to go with, well, actual friends, as opposed to my dad, brother, a 7 year old kid and his dad. It was fun, but i wouldn't mind going to something like an amusement park or whatever with just friends. I don't think I've ever done that before. I had to go on the rides mostly by myself too.. Just thought I'd add that in there!

Hmm, only one more day left in New York, the big apple, the empire state, the i-don't-know-what-other-names-this-place-has.

So how are you?

*edit:- Autocorrect changes fucking automatically into ducking. Try it out and see for yourself! :D

Come Back

Due to popular demand, I'm back!

What a week it's been. Well, the past week I mean.

I'm not much of a summary kind of guy, but I'm a little pressed for time so here's a handy dandy list of interesting things that have happened:

1. I slept in a jungle for the first time and didn't get ONE mosquito bite
2. I planted some trees, dug some holes, and carried a lot of wood. Didn't really plant as much as I would have liked to, but that's just life.
3. My friend whom I've known since I first moved to Penang almost died. He fell in a drain. Just recently I found out he's actually a bit of a homophobic fuck. Maybe that bump on his head turned him into an arse hole.
4. I got to the very peak of a mountain. I took my time, but that was a good move cause I got there just as the sun was coming up. The summit was amazing, but I didn't have a camera with me, so don't expect any pictures here! 
5. I've been wearing a worthless piece of plastic around my wrist now for 7 days and counting!
6. I threw up in the cinema on a poor father with his child. I was watching The Amazing Spiderman when it happened. First explosion scene in the film brought along the first explosion in my stomach. Nobody actually heard me barfing at the time cause of all the noise. So at least I didn't do it during one of the cheesy, quiet, romantic scenes. 
7. I've got a nice wholesome feeling inside.

And that's about it! I'm gonna be going to America pretty soon now, to see the broadway play The Book of Mormon. It's by the guys who made South Park, so it must be good! I'll also be checking out my university too. Hope it'll be as awesome as I've pictured it in my head. Knowing my mind and the way I think, it probably won't be. But fingers crossed!

Oh I also just wrote an essay about a particular font. Why did I do that, you ask? Well, you see, the answer is I'm not quite sure. But I did it regardless of reason. Now that I think about it, quite often I've written completely pointless essays about absolutely nothing. I mean, besides every single English essay I've been set. To be honest, I actually just find talking about crap to be pretty fun. That's why I've got this pointless blog!

Der hyuck hyuck hee!

Hahah, but I digress. Again. 

Goodbye.

Hopefully I'll see you in about 7 weeks I suppose, once the holidays are over and we're back to the grind of school. 

Is it weird that I may miss you? I'm not too sure.. But oh well!

See you later!

Alien vs predator

I sneeze alot yesterday. and that got me reflecting. NO. and then I got to swear abit, like, just a random fuck. shit. booger. You know what I'm talking about, winky face!

Sub-sub-conscious

have you ever wondered if our sub-conscious has its own sub-conscious?

Probably not; but I have.

So I had a dream the other day, and it was the kind of dream where it feels as if I learnt a little bit about myself. An epiphenomenal dream, caused by the chemical serotonin. It appears I've got some kind of sub-conscious level fear I think. That's what my dream seemed to suggest to me anyway.. But dreams can be so unreliable. If anything, this fear isn't even in the sub-conscious, but in my, uh, non-sub-conscious? Just my conscious I suppose.

ANYWAYS, lets not get bogged down by that. Just reflecting.

Later tonight CAS week will finally get started. I'm really looking forward to it. Hope it'll be as fun as it seems in my head..

That's when it dawned upon me. What am I gonna do when I can't vent out, reflect, or anything for a whole week on this blog!? Meh, I dunno. I'm sure I'll be fine. Totally won't go crazy.

Hah. hah. HAHAA!

Yeah alright then, guess I'll go watch TV while I'm waiting. See ya later.

Head Goo

Right now I've got this image of my brain just kind of liquefying in my head; oozing out of my ears and nose. It's pretty disgusting to be honest. Even for my imagination standards.It's all grey. Grey and thick. I suppose you could even liken it to some sort of putrid grey matter gravy.

Yum yum! Perfect for your steak and fries!

Hahah, ahh. It's gonna be a full on week this week. I can really feel it. Got an economics IA, practice IOC on a book I still haven't finished reading, an essay on that very same book, a play that just doesn't seem 100% there yet, ooh and I'm leaving the island on Friday.

I'm actually really looking forward to that last part. A whole week of adventure! Hah.. Planting trees and climbing a mountain. I hope I'm ready for that. I mean, I feel ready, but that could just be an optimistic delusion, ya know? Hah! Naah, it'll be fine.

Okay, I am looking forward to the play too. I know I'll have fun on the two nights we finally play it. It's just this long winded lead up that really takes it out of you. I think my biggest fear with that is just becoming redundant in the whole musical side of things. But I am trying to fix that. So we'll see how that turns out!

Fuck, I think I just hate homework.
Oh really? No shit.
Yeah yeah I know. Like it wasn't obvious already, right?
Why are you talking to yourself? Saddo.
Hahah hey, that's not very nice..
Yeah I know, I'm sorry.
That's okay I guess. We all say things we don't mean sometimes.

Aw, isn't that nice? Conflict with resolution at the end. Feels good, don't it?

Ah yes, here's something I'll put up to remind myself in case I forget. Straighten up your back, sonny. I wonder if just getting a metal pipe in place of my spine will be easier. Hah, aaaww yeah. A mushy brain and a synthetic spine. What else should I add to this grotesque figure? Might as well just replace my face with that creepy mask I made. That's like the whipped cream on top of the pancakes with a side of ice-cream which has chocolate sprinkles infused with coffee and a cherry (even though I don't like cherries) on top. Mmmm mmm, delicioso.

And to end with an anacrusis, overall this weekend was pretty good! Maybe even really good in fact. IS THAT EVEN HUMANLY POSSIBLE!? Yes. Apparently it is.

Daymare

I know. Since when did I get so attractive, right?

The idea came to me in a dream.

Well not really, but it would have been cool if it did. Nah, this is just a mask I made today for my art class. I think I'm kind of getting the hang of it!

Now the only thing left to do is to go to gurney one day with this face on. Anyone interested in joining me??

Peaceful Night

So its finally the weekend after exams. I can finally enjoy some sleep that i feel like i need. Buuut, for some reason, i can't sleep. Great!

I don't really mind though. I don't think i really want to sleep just yet. It is only 2 35 AM afterall! No, instead I've got this burning feeling coming from inside me. I'd say its some long dormant passion that I've kept swallows soqm for so long, but it's probably just indigestion.

It's quite nice ya know? Just lying in bed with huge headphones on just listening to a play list of all my songs set on random. It just went from a little Japanese song to the killers! Exciting!

I've always liked layers in music. Being surrounded by this music with no sound coming from outside my headphones creates a unique type of sound. Its like my head can just concentrate on one thing for once instead of rushing up and down continuously. If only i could find this kind of inner peace when i'm composing or even just playing guitar. Maybe I'd actually make something good! Hahaha. Nah. Ooh radiohead. They always have good layers.

So half an hour late was in our first "battle" of the bands last Friday. I say "battle" because it was really just a popularity contest. It was great how my good friend Thomas came to support us. Oh wait.. He didn't.. Hahah. Nah i don't blame him though. He probably would have just wanted to sit down during the disco anyway. I suppose that's what we all do for a majority of the time. But that was still fun i guess. Well, most of the time anyway. Oh yeah, I'm going off on a tangent already. Hah, guess my mind is still just racing around from one thought to the other.. Oh that got really bad during my economics higher level test. I must have just zoned off from the test for about 20 minutes before remembering where i was.. Hmm.. Hope i did alright in that one.

Anyway! As i was saying, the battle was just a popularity contest. So i guess that means we aren't as popular as a bunch of year 10s. Damn, that makes me so disappointed... Haaahah.

You're just. A fuck. I can't explain it cause i think you suck!! Yeeeaaaaahhhh fuck off and die!!! Wooooooo. Hmm. That song wasn't as relaxing as paranoid android. I wonder why. Oh look, now it's somebody i used to know. Do dodo do dodo.

Uh so what was the point of this post again..? Neh i forgot. I think there was supposed to be some lesson learned through self reflection like normally. But nope. Not today.

Hey i wasn't so bad at talking this week. Well, i was at some points.. But i did start a conversation or two. Which made me super ecstatic! But now that initial high has kind of subsided.. I tried telling myself Friday was gonna be a good day the night before, to see if it really would be. It was okay. Hahah. But you know what's really good? I haven't been hit in the groin for such a long time i can't even remember the last time it happened! Which is good, because it really hurts. And pain is bad..... Duh... I mean, unless you're a massochist. Then i suppose it would be good for you? But i'm not, so, yeah.

Almost time for KK and tree planting. Im quite looking forward to that. Hah! No time to worry about the two impending essays and practice IOC. Its just time to think of finally getting a break from the monotony of school. To be honest, i used to like that actually. Having everything planned with my timetable, knowing more or less what to expect. Made me feel more self assured. Less anxious. But i dunno now.. Seems it all just makes me stir-crazy now. I just want a change! Oh but i did get that. Exam week. Yeah that was pretty fun i guess. Except for the Spanish comprehension. I must have been sitting there watching the clock for 50 minutes aftwe i finished.. The worst part is i probably did really shit in it! Haha but i did try my best anyway.

Alright then, i guess this is long enough now to put off anyone from reading it. Its also 3 10AM now too. Hmmm.

I'm hungry.